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Fiancés mother - cancer for the second time

Awood123
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Hi everyone,

I wonder if someone can help me. 

My partner and I have been together for 7 years and engaged for 3. His mum has fought cervical cancer not long after we got together, beat it and was then diagnosed with breast cancer again last year. She has had a mastectomy and finished her treatments but continues to be in pain. I don’t know all of the details because I try not to ask too many questions (the family was clear in the beginning this time that they don’t want her to be overwhelmed with queries), but I believe that she has another scan next year to see if it’s come back. But in the mean time, she’s had chemo and radiotherapy. 

We went to see her last weekend and she’s really not doing good. She’s in a lot of pain and signed off of work as she can’t drive. My partner had previously been diagnosed with depression (likely caused by the trauma of her illness) and had managed to pull himself round by going to the doctor and taking anti depressants, but seeing her so uncomfortable and sore again has made him so resentful towards anything and everyone. Including me. 

We argue constantly, he is resentful towards me not understanding him and not being affectionate enough but he doesn’t open up to me about his feelings. It is at the point now where we are close to splitting up as he feels so negatively about everything. 

I’m gutted because I want to be there for him and support him, but I don’t know how. Or what to do. I try my best to be ‘normal’ but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I want our relationship to be his escape from everything and his ‘normality’, but I’m worried that its taken as me being disinterested and distant. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I will try and be more affectionate but he is so hard to be around at the moment. He snaps at me and is agitated so easily. I honestly thought his antidepressants were a god send to begin with, but things have crept back into how they were before.

How can I be there for him without being patronising or upsetting him? Has anyone been in this situation before where cancer in the family affects their relationship? 

Thank you 

  • Offline

    Hi there ...

    Oh wow, my heart goes out to you .. you want to be included and enquire how she's going .. but told not to overwhelm her ... then you try to make things normal for your partner, but he won't open up .. sounds to me like your banging your head on a brick wall .. the only one that hurts is you ... 

    You sound amazingly caring and supportive.. to everyone .. it's a shame he doesn't realise what he has in you .. lots just my opinion .. but I think you need to start caring about you ... start looking after you ... l know it happens a lot when people are faced with cancer, they push loved ones away .. that is the reason...  not the excuse to use you to take his emotions out on ...  

    Sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie x

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Thank you for your reply [@Chriss]‍ 

    I really am trying but I think he thinks I could be doing more. I know that there is an obvious elephant in the room but I don’t see what we would gain in me talking about the situation all the time. I want him to feel like at home, he can talk about regular things like his day at work and watch something nice together on Netflix (trying to be as normal as possible all things considered).  I don’t want the cancer to seap into our relationship. But I think he thinks I could be doing more to be more affectionate - such as cuddling and talking, but it’s hard when I feel like I’m walking on egg shells. I fully admit I keep my distance and I bite back when he’s acting aggressive and is snippy with me. And I feel so guilty for it. But his mothers really REALLY awful situation surely doesn’t give a free pass to allow for ‘anything goes’ and his respect for me (in terms of how he speaks to me) to go completely out of the window?

    I feel guilty even writing this as I’m whole heartedly aware that if anyone is the victim here, it’s his mum. But I really don’t know who else to talk to when I don’t want to tell my family too much as they already disagree with his temper towards me at the best of times and I don’t want to tell my friends as they are still under the impression we are getting married next year and are happy together. I would hate for their view of us to be tainted and for them to think we won’t get through this. 

    I have offered to go away somewhere for a weekend together but he is reluctant as we don’t have a lot of money with saving for our wedding and if we were to have a weekend away, it would mean not paying into our wedding savings account one month. This means nothing to me, but he feels quite strongly about it so I don’t want to rock the boat. 

    I am really beginning to worry about how we are going to get out of the other end of this. I feel totally hopeless and that nothing I say or do will change things. Any advice from anyone would be so appreciated as I feel so at a loss right now x 

  • Offline in reply to Awood123

    HI

    I live with someone who has been clinically depressed for the last 7 years - won't beat about the bush, its a nightmare. I recognise all that you are going through. You don't mention if he's in therapy, but if not he should be - he needs specialist help and I'm afraid you wont be able to offer him that. The best thing you can do for him is encourage him to go see his GP so his meds can be looked at again and also get him into therapy, since his mum has cancer he should be able to access psycological services for those patients/families dealing with cancer. Check Macmillan www.stgeorges.nhs.uk/.../

    I would also do a search to see about other help there is in your area. x

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