Hello bakervw, 

You've done the right thing to join our forum and share your story. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone we are all here for you anytime you need to talk. I know the news must have come as a shock to you and I just wanted you to know there are so many lovely ladies on this forum who have been affected by breast cancer who will I am sure find the right words to talk to you and share their own story with you so you don't feel so alone I am thinking of [@Chriss]‍ and [@TwinTwo]‍ just to name a few. I hope you won't mind but I have slightly edited the title of your post to add a few details about your diagnosis - this will allow others who have had the same diagnosis to see your post immediately and share their experience with you. Opening your info pack must have been an overwhelming experience and it was an important brave step, but I just wanted you to know that I am sure you are in good hands and that your medical team know what they are doing and will offer you the best and most effective treatments. If you feel that this is all too much for you to take in, don't hesitate to talk to our nurses who I am sure will be able to guide you to make sense of it all. They have a free number 0808 800 4040 you can ring - their line is open Monday to Friday from 9am to 5pm. They are very friendly and I am sure it will help you to talk to them as it must all be so confusing to you; there is so much information to take in after your diagnosis.

I am so sorry to hear that this has made you feel so down but it's good you have had the courage to come here and talk about it. I think it is important that you talk to your doctor about the effect your diagnosis has had on how your are feeling, especially as you mention you have felt suicidal in the past. Make sure you mention your history and your current feelings - this is something your doctor will want to be aware of so that they can support you in the coming days and weeks and help you feel a little better. But above all, I know it is really hard but try to be strong. As you said, you have three very young children and your husband who want to be with you and who will be there for you as much as you will also be there for them. If things get a bit much over the weekend and you feel you need to talk to someone about how you are feeling at the moment, do give Samaritans a call. You can find their contact details on this page and you can ring them at any time of the day or night. 

I will now let our members come and say hello but rest assured we are all here for you anytime you need to reach out. 

Warmest wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi there ...

Thanks Lucy for mention .. right firstly , I felt just like you on finding out .. shut myself away for two days getting all that emotion out .. l felt drained but then got myself together and got ready for the fight ..

Now I had a grade 3 breast cancer... but her 2 negative.. oestrogen positive... I thought my time was up .. even wrote my goodbye letters ... but once I got my head around it, I came on here and a lovely angel helped me through and kept me positive ..

There was about 7 of us, started on here at the same time .. all different stages and treatments... but we held each other up .. and you know over two years down the line, we havnt lost one of us yet .. most of the others have got back to their life's.. and ones just had a new baby after her treatment ..

Breast cancer has come a long way... so hold on .. get your self some vertual boxing gloves and get in the ring ready to kick it's ***... it's not a walk in the park,  but it is doable... but I'm sure a positive attire really helps .. coz cancer wants us to lay down and never get up.. just give in .. then it feels strong .. but don't let it .. there's loads of us in the ring kicking *** .. so come on, join us .. there's a great support network on here .. and we know how scary it is .. esp at the begining ..

Now those goodbye letters are safely tucked away... hopefully for a long time ..  

Sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie  xx

Thank you both. 

I don't want to talk about what I've got with anybody and I don't want to even know what I have or what's going to happen to me. I'm in denial really. I don't want to know. My 3 year old made me cry today because she knows something is wrong. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want this. I'd rather die. I'd really rather die. I wish I hadnt had the lump checked out. I don't want chemotherapy. I would rather have a double mastectomy and even hysterectomy if needs be than have chemotherapy and I don't understand why that can't be an option if it hasn't spread anywhere else. I will make an appointment to see my doctor this week but it all seems utterly pointless doesn't it? I have three options - go ahead with everything, be sick, be a victim, despise every second. Ignore treatments, be sick, die. Or die quietly and quickly and leave my daughters and husband behind to hate me for being so selfish. I really don't feel like I deserve this. I'm too young for any of this and I just don't want it. I just want it over. 

Hello

The moderators asked me if I could have a look at your post.  Firstly I want to say that it is understandable that getting this diagnosis will have made you feel overwhelmed.  But as Chrissie has shown, you can get through all of this.  When you see your doctor make sure you talk to them about exactly what the treatment they are offering you will involve, it might turn out to be not as bad as it seems now, and they may well be able to give you some choices.

The community on here are lovely and so very supportive, you are not alone in this

Martin

Thanks so much for your message. 

I went to the gp this morning and basically sobbed for 10 solid minutes and doubt I made a single coherent sentence. I never ever cry so I really do feel quite out of control and it's horrible. She has prescribed me diazepam in the short term as I haven't slept (or eaten) since the diagnosis and of course that'll make matters worse. She also said I should get counselling sorted via the clinic. 

The GP who referred me originally then gave me a call, she is lovely, and has made me know she's available. She also said she never expected this diagnosis when she referred me, and apparently the clinic letter alluded to the same - it's just so unexpected. 

Then the breast clinic cancer nurse called to ask how i was doing and I was just like, I mean I'm as you'd expect really. She said my oncologist was talking about getting chemo before the surgery now too, and I said I just don't want chemo. So then she said chemo after surgery then? I said nope I don't want it at all. I know this is stupid but by me saying that it makes it easier to deal with. In my heart I know I do have to get the chemo to stop this coming back but I just can't get past the huge fear of it all.

I do want to find out if I can get away without chemo but im also trying to get my head around the fact its probably inevitable given the her2 thing, and a pretty simple choice of get it or eventually die of it. Anyway I have to go see them on Thursday so they'll probably explain why it's better that I do get it. I'm being stubborn and petulant because I'm in a situation I don't want to be in. I know it's human to act out when faced with something like this and I'm trying to show my kids I can do it for them. I'm just resentful that I'm forced to go through with this at all. 

Hi Bakervw

I'm so glad to hear that you went to see the GP today and that they were so supportive. I'm sure it helps to know that they're available to support you through this. 

I'm certain that you won't have been the first patient who has responded with a firm "No thank you very much!" to the specialist nurse or consultant. You definitely won't be the first person to be feeling scared and resentful.

Hopefully now the GP has given you something that will help you cope in the short term you'll feel calmer for your appointment on Thursday. Is your husband or someone able to go with you to the appointment? It can help if you've got someone there for support. 

I'm also going to suggest that before your appointment you write down a list of your worries, concerns and queries to take with you. That way the nurse and Consultant will be able to specifically address those concerns and hopefully give you some information that will leave you feeling a little more confident with things. 

One thing that I know for sure is that there is a fantastic community of ladies here on the forum who will be able to offer you a virtual shoulder to lean on, an ear to rant into and make it a little easier to get through things so do keep in touch. 

Sending best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator

Hi sweetheart

My heart really goes out to you and I think you're still in a state of shock from your diagnosis, so please try to just breathe and be kind to yourself, that's really all you need to do for now. The shock and horror will start to subside, you just need to ride it out. Don't waste your energy on 'why me' or worrying about the future, it's utterly pointless and will just continue to make you feel really bad. I can only give you the benefit of my own experience, which I hope helps.  I've been living with cancer for about 28 years now.  I was first diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma (a form of blood cancer) when I was just 15, for which I had 3 years of treatment including aggresive chemo, full mantle radiotherapy (which they don't do any more) and surgery. Then 4 years ago, I was diagnosed again with stage 2 breast cancer, for which I had a double mastectomy and now take tamoxifen.  I know exactly how you're feeing now, but, honestly, you can still live your life with cancer - it's not all doom and gloom, I swear it.  You will still be able to enjoy all the things that you enjoy now. The treatment may seem daunting, but it's amazing what you can get used to and what eventually becomes just routine - I'm so thankful that we live in an age where there is actually effective treatment available, it's bought me a lot of time, especially with my kids, for which I just feel lucky now. Chemo is really just another word for medication, don't think of it as anything more horrific than that - it's tablets or injections or drips, same as for any other illness. Just remember that you're still the same person. It may take time (and you may find it hard to believe right now) but you WILL feel normal again  Please don't be overwhelmed - just take it one day at a time.  Things really will get easier, I promise and, believe me, I really do know  x

Hi Bakervw

my mum has recently been diagnosed with the same including HER2+ (Hers is grade 3). I know it's not me going through this but I can empathise with the feelings of just wanting to run away from this. I felt like I just wanted to hide forever when I initially found out. Believe it or not, the diagnosis does become less of a shock and  the feelings of 'why me' does slightly disappear... all the feelings you are feeling are completely normal

in regards to chemo, it is understandable to be scared - but please be assured, there are so so many people gone through this and come out the other side. Targeted therapy for the HER2 is amazingly effective and I have read loads of positive stuff about this. But please do avoid looking on google as it is a relatively new treatment within the last 10y or so and a lot of info will be out of date now. 
 

I think due to the nature of the HER2 being a type that can spread, they like to do chemo for most effective treatment. 

I could go on, but I am with my mum at every appointment taking information and it seems as if you are at similar timelines (she was diagnosed a week ago), please send me a message if you ever want to chat x