Hi Darcy C,

You are not alone, I am in a very similar position to you. Although my mum has a different type of cancer she has had many of the same issues and I have been through similar things, so I can relate. My mum has breast cancer in her bones within a matter of months she had shrunk in height and went from someone who was very young for her age to someone who was much older physically.  I went through the same thing about going for lunch, or her needing to rest and not being able to go shopping in fact I had to go and do all her personal shopping for her buying her new clothes because all her old ones didn't fit anymore and where too difficult for her to put on and take off.  I had to help her get washed and changed etc.  Basically I ended up being the mother to my mother and every now and then she would shout at me because she was frustrated that she couldn't do these things for herself anymore.  The only thing I can say is my mums cancer isn't affecting her brain in that way but the medicine that she has to take does affect her memory. So if you tell her something she doesn't always remember.  She is also different in other ways because she is depressed sometimes and I have to try to lift her up.  So thus I can relate to what you are going through and then some (I have a brother and nephew, both of which have only just started to grow up, one is 15 and one is late 30's but both have been mollycoddlded, so sometimes dealing with them is very hard to bear.  However you need to get some support and someone to talk to it will make it easier to deal with what your mum is going through and make you stronger when you are with her.  When she gets tired be patient let her take her own pace think of walking beside a child.  You need to learn that you can have a new relationship and your mum is still in there.  Take your moments where you can.

On another point it is worrying that your mum barely eats, you need to get her referred through her doctor to get some high calorie drinks they come in milk flavours and juice some cancer patients prefer the juice because they find the milk makes them feel sick.  Try smoothies and complan if you can't get these drinks to build her up.  The stronger she is the longer her body can fight.  Do you have a care package in place for her, are you in contact with local support groups.

There are things out there which will make the situation a little easier both for her and for you but you need to see what is available in your area and you need to ask for the help.  Sometimes you have to get referred from your doctor.  But please do look into these things.

Hi ya ..

Well the thing I've learned above all else is, cancer changes us .. we will never be the person we once was .. we have to find a new "normal" ... which can be just as good but different ..

Your mum's body and brain have both been through a trauma... her world as she knew it has been blown apart ... we all have difficulty with energy levels ... I have to have 2 P J days a week, just to function for the rest .. I'm so tired most of the time ... and lots find their eating has gone down, as taste can be effected ..

Instead of wanting your old mum back, enjoy the fact you still have her ... maybe different but still your mum .. l lost my mum suddenly from a heart attack and had no chance to even say those things like I was so proud to be her daughter... or hold her one more time ... or hear her voice ... 

You have that chance I never had .. you can change your old "normal" for days looking through albums .. watching a film ... going for a coffee .. where she doesn't have to walk far .. ask her about her life .. she looked after you as a baby... taught you to walk ..... held your hand ... played with you .. watched you grow from a baby to a teen to an adult .. she held your hand through your life ... now its time to hold hers .. know her memory is not good .. her energy is not good .. her appetite is tiny ... but she's still your mum .. you can either grieve for the mum she used to be .. or be content you still have her there ..

Cancer sucks ... it does change us .. but wer still that same loving person inside ... your mum having a piece of her brain taken away .. Will make things so difficult ... my sister's in late stage dementure .. she is now in her own world... we now go into her world .. it doesn't mater she no longer knows our names .. or where she is .. or that her memory is different .. doesn't mater .. it's not her , it's the dementure .. it's not your mum's fault it's the cancer ...

Chrissie xx

Hi there, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum, but it's your turn to step up now and be a considerate daughter as you have obviously always been but with a different slant on your Mother/Daughter time together.  You are going to have to go at her pace, she's no longer as fit as she was, think of how she had to walk more slowly when you were little, had to listen to you learning to talk and the million and one things she did to make you happy and not push you until you learnt at your own pace.  She's never going to be the same Mum, mine had dementia, so that affects the brain and I learned to fit in with her capabilities.  Instead of lunch, coffee and scone, listen quietly whilst she struggles with words, go out to lovely garden centres where she can smell the flowers, look at the colours and have a rest when she needs to.  Country houses, lots of resting points. Coffee shops and so on.  I know it will never be the same and it's sad, so sad but you are now looking after her. Your roles have reversed.  Be gentle, patient and frustration will pass.  All my best wishes for you and your lovely Mum.. Carol x

Hi there,

I recognise a lot of your feelings. It is hard and sad.

But try to be "grateful" that despite the changes, your mum is still with you. Maybe she is not up to lunch and long chats right now but do try to spend time with her as she is now and not compare to what she was or what you would like. 

Best wishes

Hi there,

so sorry to hear about your mum, we recently discovered my dads cancer is back and he has been given a year maximum. He won’t eat and is very tired all the time, he’s 56 and I have never seen him so thin, I get frustrated when I know I shouldn’t but sometimes it feels like he just cannot be bothered with those of us around him and it hurts and upsets me that it feels like I’m an annoyance to him now. 

You are not alone in this and I do hope you find comfort soon but it is incredibly difficult to see our parents changing before our eyes due to something that is completely out of both our and their control.

Hi there ..

Oh my .. it's only when you go through cancer, you see things so differently ... 

When I was near to my masectomy... I was so sure I'd not come through the op .. I have so many on going health issues and everything pointed to me not comming through ...

My son wanted me to stay with him the night before my op ... well his daughter, is my life .. she makes me fight every day to stay with her .. my son although grown is my baby and always will be ..

How could I stay there .. how could I say goodbye to my granddaughter the next morning knowing I may never see her again ... l couldnt have had the op .. I'd have caved in .. I wasn't strong enough ..

We all go through these thoughts with cancer .. we push those who we love away at that time, because looking in their eyes and not knowing how long we have them... it's the most heartbraking time in my whole life ... we think we understand cancer but befor anyone actually gets it, your only guessing ..

We looked after our babies in good times and hard .. we never faltered ... the love of a parent is unconditional ... now wer older and scared of the future all we want is a hand to hold along the way .. 

Just go with your dad .. have patience no matter how hard .. one day anyone could get this crule cancer .. it doesn't discriminate... it devistats families ... wer scared a lot of the time... trying not to show it because wer the parents .. here to make things o.k for our kids .. but there's something's we can't fix ..

If you can just step back .. know it's not them it's the cancer talking .. one day when we are called home .. you'll be proud you did your best ... cancer sucks big time ... but wer all just trying to kick it's butt ..

Chrissie xx

Being a mum of three and having had breast cancer but continuing to take drugs , please believe me when I say your mum is still your Mum . Our love and joy will always be there  even though it may seem nonaparent . With cancer comes stress ( even if you deny it) with stress you can often be very forgetful, fatigued and not quite yourself . ‘Just ‘ is so not the right word, but right now I can’t think of an alternative ( I blame my lack of brain power on my drug ) .. simply ( there you go, I knew it would come to me ) simply adapt to your mums pace and don’t worry . She will be doing her best . Ps forget sandwiches. Do cake xx

Hi Darcy C,  Midibear and Worldturnedupsidedown,

I am so sorry for the position you all find yourselves in. I have been through this heartbreak with both of my parents, several other relatives and close friends and have perienced 2 bouts of cancer for myself in the past 10 years.

When my mum became too weak to walk around town, I bought a wheelchair. She lived overseas from me. Whilst she wouldn't use the chair at home, she would use it when she came to stay with me (where nobody knew her). She was a proud lady. She loved these visits, because we could get everything she needed done when she was with me. We would use the wheelchair to take her to the optician, hairdresser, dentist, beautician. She had an interest in clothes almost to the end. As her strength ebbed, I would try to do the groundwork before I  brought her to the places where we would find something that she liked. This gave her a quality of life to the end and, I was so happy that we had done this.

Many shopping centres offer the hire of wheelchairs or mobility scooters now through Shopmobility or similar schemes. These weren't available 21 years ago when my mum passed away.

It was never the same quality of life that she had before cancer, but I don't believe that anyone diagnosed with cancer can claim that life stays the same. We all have to adjust in varying degrees, but the more positive that you can remain, the better you will help your parent. Talk to them and don't leave anything left unsaid.

I don't envy any of you your journeys. It is a hard road that you are all on. I do hope that you can all manage to make the most of whatever time your loved ones have left.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are all getting on and, remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Darcy,

I can 100% relate to this. I’m 23, and my mum is in her early 50s, also with a brain tumour, and I feel exactly the same. Please, if you ever need a chat then just let me know. It’s so hard isn’t it- even just popping out to the post office or to Tesco, things me and mum always did together that seemed so mundane I miss. We went out for a coffee and she just wanted to be back in bed. I’ve found that doing things at home- like I got afternoon tea bits and set it up once the garden and we just had that for 20 mins or so then she had a rest, but at least it’s doing something nice and having some time together. Sending a big hug, this is a truly horrible disease and it’s  so hard adjusting when so much has changed xxx

Hi Rach,

You're quite right. As our loved ones change, we've got to find new ways of making the most of life within the new limitations that cancer confines us to.

This is such a cruel disease, but it is important to make the most of the time we have with our loved ones.

Please keep in touch. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx