Hi ...

That's really sad and crule of your step dad ... he probly had no idea the damage and hurt he caused you .. yes I think your right ... your still grieving for your mum .. and now you understand that, think it out .. feel whatever you want to .. cry / yell or cuss at your step father .. then realise it was out of your control .. there was nothing you could have done .. 

Sometimes we have to come to the fact we can't control others , only our selfs... and I wasn't with my dad when he passed either .. but I carry them both in my heart ... I still talk about them years down the line.. that way they are not gone ... just know you loved your mum and now your dad ... that's all we can do ... I hope you get some nice memories with your dad still .. whatever time he has .. and let it be .. 

Think then you'll have something more then you ever thought ... memories to hold on too .. bet there's lots of things you could find out about his life ... and you know it's o.k to admit your scared .. we all are at times ... I really hope you both find a path to walk along side each other ... to day ... 

And you know , bet your mum's looking down, and is sorry you didn't get to say good bye ... look in the mirror,  she's right there ...  sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie xx

I can understand your feelings long time ago my sister got a house built (her husband owns a building firm) with a granny flat for my father they live about 3 hours away, i got a letter saying he'd died couple of weeks ago, i know he was ill but that's it, would have been nice to know when funeral was (is) told he's coming back near me to be near his wife,. Tomorrow, Sister never even came to funeral i had to sort everything out list minate only me there and funeral people,. We managed but it could have been better, hope you get sorted, best wishes.

Billy 

I can understand your frustration but he might not be ready to talk wills and funerals.  Just after my husband was diagnosed in May, whilst on holiday in Spain we made our spanish wills.  Purely because the legal stuff out there is a nightmare and not as straightforward as leaving it to me as it is here.  However, it was very traumatic and we will not be talking english wills or funerals until my husband is ready or we need to.  Still hoping for the operation to get the thing out of him,  however due to prior health issues this is not straightforward.

Do you have any siblings you could talk to about this? xxx 

Hi tonid that’s the biggest problem. My sister is in Australia. He tells her the same as me. My half sister has had nothing to do with my dad for the last 25 years. This is why I want to talk to him as I don’t know if he wants her to be included. Also I don’t know where she is. If he does I have to find her.

It not just the wills and stuff. Its the fact he won’t tell me how I’ll he is. Saying he will live for 30 years doesn’t give me peace. 

I would just like to know what is happening in case he needs help.

Hi hun, 

has he spoken honestly to you yet?

Hi not really but thanks for asking.

He just keeps shouting and swearing at me on the phone saying I think this is a game. Telling me off for wanting to ask questions he believes I will get him kicked off his treatment.

i think he is scared and alone and thinks he has to face this alone as I am so far away he doesn’t see that I want to be included in the details.. 

I suggested him getting treatment near me and staying with me but he said he doesn’t want to go to a backwater hospital. London has the best treatment. I can’t afford to give up work and stay in London so I can’t win there. 

i just have to be here but it is not easy when he only tells you half the details then has a go for not listening and understanding what he is going through.

Hi i think he's still trying to think there's nothing wrong with himself, he's trapped himself anybody would let family help and sort things out unless it denyal he's only making things worse for everyone and your getting the worst of it i know it's hard but you have to let him sort himself out, that's my personal opinion,, he's only making you feel worse all the time,.,". Just a thought," in the beginning he went in hospital and said he came out cured what happened in hospital, do you know,. All the best,.

Billy 

Going and asking questions WON'T get him kicked off treatment specialist expert family to ask questions he's just trying to stop you asking try and find his specialist and find out truth,., this might sound cruel, but do you now for sure he is having any treatment with cemo there's needle marks and things some people put it on there's been a few on forum, sorry if I up set you but it has happened,.

Billy 

Thanks Billy. 

I had the same thought.so phoned the ward. He was there but they were just nurses, a consultant wasn’t available. I am going down on Friday so hoping to get answers. I really think he just doesn’t want to admit he is dying. If he tells me it makes it real.

thank you all for your comments. Nice to know I am not on my own. Been reading other post which has helped.