Hello to all those in my new found community. Although the reason for being here sucks, I thank UK Cancer Chat for making this service available.

I have Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. It's in my colon and as of diagnosis day, Dec. 3rd, 2018, I was told it had already spread to my kidneys. I was told the growth in my colon could burst at any time sending toxic waste thoughout killing me I guess almost instantly. After reading so many of the posts on this site instant death sounds like a potential blessing. As of today my exporation date is anywhere from July 2019 to August 2023. Essentually I've been told I wont see Christmas day 2023. I declined medical treatment so I never found out what stage the cancer is at, but I'd still like to chat. There is nothing wrong with chemo, it's just not for me. That's my situation and the following is my post. 

"Those who say only sunshine can bring happiness, have never danced in the rain."   [Author Unknown]

What is it about saying goodbye that knocks us down to our very core? The main reason I rarely say hello is because I know I'll eventually have to say goodbye and I cant handel that. I'd rather be alone then experience the pain of eventual loss. I obviously have some deep psychological blocks that make me think and react this way.

Now with my cancer diagnosis I'm the one who may end up saying goodbye. That doesn't bother me as much. For me to be the one leaving is easy. It's the ones left behind that suffer. They must pick up and move on often with little time for recovery. I have it easy. It's the one's left behind who truly suffer for years to come. My mom is devistated. She's 86 and has told me she is determined to leave before I do.

I think part of the lesson to my cancer is I'm to let go of my fear of experiencing emotional pain and let others in. Or maybe because I'm the one leaving it's easy to reach out knowing I wont have to clean up the mess. Either way my illness has taught me it's okay to be sad and to hurt. It's okay to put yourself in those situations. Since my diagnosis 3 months ago I've reestablished lines of communication with my 3 sons and my older brothers. It's sad it took a cancer diagnosis to learn my lesson.

As unrealistic as it may sound, I honestly believe I'll survive this illness and live to help others. As for being afraid to say hello for fear of having to say goodbye, I dont care anymore. Again, it's probably because I subconsciously realize I'll probably never be the one that gets hurt. I'll just leave one day and wait for everyone on the other side. I would like to think my new approach to life is real inner growth but whatever the reason, it's brought our family a little closer and for that I'm grateful.

In all truth I hid during the days of sunshine and now that it's raining, I'm finally learning how to dance.

Even with cancer as my teacher, I say better late then never.

P*E*A*C*E   

I have read a lot of posts and I am so sorry for everyones pain suffering sadness and fear. I believe life is eternal and death is just a transformation. I pray for everyones strength.

Thanks for listening.

Peace, love, mercy, and healing to us all. :)