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Child dealing with Dad's tumour

Mamwoes
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Hi, sorry this may be a long one. I'm presently concerned for my 17yr old. His Dad, my ex-husband, is suffering with a tumour. This was diagnosed nearly two years ago, at the time my son was told it was 'terminal' but he wasn't told by his Dad or family of any prognosis. I tried to reassure him at that time that some tumours can be around for years and they just get treated and treated, so that he didn't feel so panicked. Initially it was operated on and then treated with chemo, and it shrunk to nothing. All seemed well and his Dad was doing ok.

Then it came back. It had recurred by June last year and new treatment was started, but in November his Dad ended up being admitted, but my son wasn't told. The subsequent scans showed the tumour was growing, but now in places they couldn't operate so now it was a case of chemo and whatever treatment they could do. I found all this out after my ex brother in law told me the situation and filled me in on what was currently going on whilst he was admitted in November.

So here's the dilemma....it turns out that when first diagnosed his Dad was given a prognosis...2 yrs...but this was never disclosed to my son, meaning if the tumour was progressing as expected, this gave him about 6 months... :( 

I knew that I could not go home and look at my son and say nothing. I didn't have to. The same night I found out, he knew something wasn't right when he was trying to contact his dad by phone. When eventually managing to speak to him, his Dad made out he was out in a pub having a meal, but my son could hear nurses and hospital sounds in the background and immediately he told me he thought his dad was in hospital and got upset. This upset me and I had to let him know what was going on. I felt that he had been robbed of the last 18 months with his Dad not knowing what was to come. I totally appreciate his Dad and partner/family not wanting to say anything to him initially as he was 15 and due to sit exams, but they've had plenty of oppoortunities since. He obviously didn't take it well and the first thing he said was ' if i'd known I would have spent more time with him'! Straight away he was putting guilt on himself and I told him it was not his fault! I explained that all the information I'd given him had been told to me confidentially and that they still didn't want him to know. So he's had to live with knowing his dad is dying since November without being able to say anything to him. 

His Dad is starting to deteriorate, getting muddled, speech going unable to form sentences, short term memory loss and his mannerisms are 'childlike' (words that my son uses). He is seeing all this and still the family have not warned him of what is to come. He was told before Christmas that the tumour was back and that new treatment was being started, but even then they didn't take this opportunity to prepare for the worst. I feel disappointed at the family for not giving him the opportunity to be involved in this, even to the point that the cancer hospital could have provided palliative support to him too but this hasn't been offered as they probably aren't aware of him...?

 I feel guilty that I have burdened my 17yr old with this worry, as since telling him although most of the time he is ok, he has become withdrawn from his college work, his sporting activities, and also very angry, conversations with him mostly end up as an argument and him being very rude and shouting. I get that this is all the anticipation of whats to come, but he refuses to talk to anyone. I have given him links to forums for children in the hope he may open up, and he has said he doesn't want counselling. He has recently agreed to see our GP but thinking he can get some tablets to help his feelings. This itself is a good sign I know as he is admitting he is struggling, but I am weary of him having any medication at his age? I'd prefer him to speak to someone first. I don't know how I can help him and how I will be able to when he does lose his dad. We are very close, but he's pushing me away. He's a mature and loving young man, and I just want him to be able to get out of his downward spiral. 

I am not sure what to expect here to be honest, I've read a few threads about coping etc, but I don't know how I can support him any better.  Any advice would be appreciated.x Thanks

Worried mum.

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    Hello mamwoes and welcome.  Oh dear, what a tangled web we weave etc.  I am not sure what your ex-husband's family hoped to achieve by not letting your son know what was happening, but of course it is never a good idea for reasons you have set out.  If you have been reading the posts here I expect you have seen that most people now agree it is best to involve all the family with total honesty including the children no matter what their age; that way they can be part of the journey and assimilate what is happening as long as it explained to them.  It must have been difficult for you having been told not to tell your son.  I think all you can do is explain that you were sworn to secrecy and realise what a drastic effect this has had on him.  Of course he feels betrayed; so much time has been wasted when he could have shared his thoughts and talked with his dad.   In that way he could have gradually come to some sort of terms with the situation.  I think you need to make it plain to your ex-husband's family that though you understood where they were coming from it was not a good idea and your son now needs to spend as much time possible with his dad and not have anything kept from him.  Try to make the best use of the time your son now has with his dad.  I am so sorry that you have been in the middle of all of this.  Annie

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    Thank you Annie. Yes what a Web. After posting last night I had to deal with a meltdown from him. Crying, hitting himself, punching his floor and generally sobbing so much he was catching his breath like young children do when they get very upset. I had already booked a GP appt for weds but pulled this forward luckily and we've been seen tonight. I was quite worried about his mental state and explained everything to the GP. They also advised that he try to speak to his Dad or Grandfather (he can't really make serious conversations with his dad but could try..) and put it to them how he is worried about what's happening and to ask for the full scenario of the cancer. This is something I've tried to get him to do myself but I think he's afraid to approach the subject too. At least as you say and I agree he can then talk openly about what's going on rather than bottle it up while there. My brother in law said they would consider telling him soon once the hospital confirm the time scale is as they expect...but I have said I think he's ready to be told now as he is seeing the changes weekly and knows its getting worse. I hope that something is mentioned soon.

    Thank for your comments. x

  • Offline in reply to Mamwoes

    Bless you, you are trying so hard to get things right and I do feel for  you.  I think your brother needs to tell your son everything now; quite apart from anything else it is not really possible to give an accurate timescale as this can vary so much between patients with the same diagnosis.  Time is of the essence for your son to make up for lost time; as you have clearly stated your son does not need any more delays.   I hope you manage to sort this out and you son feels better for being able to see his dad and talk frankly from now on.  Annie

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