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No support from my partner of 20 years

Regis12
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I've been living with cancer for 3 years now and was given the news that I now have secondary cancer and there is nothing they can do now. I've been given 6 months. I am really struggling with this as I feel so alone. I've been with my partner for 20 years now but don't feel I have really had any support. He always has other priorities that always come before me and the children, mainly work. In the whole 3 years of being ill; he has not come to one appointment with me. I have had to deal with everything on my own. I have got used to that over the years but this news is so much harder for me to take. I had a operation done 2 weeks again and my partner chose to go on a 2 day work conference than support me through my operation, which I ended going to alone. He got really mad with me because I called him before I had the operation for some support and woke him up, he also never called once after to see I was ok. The worse is coming up where he is going to America for just a holiday with work colleagues in the new year and he is choosing to do that than spend the last few months with me and helping to look after me. Last night he seemed angry with me because he probably thinks he's going to miss out on going on holiday now because I'm dying. I honestly thought that being given this awful news would make him realise that I mean something after 20 years and 3 kids together. Please don't say it's probably his way of coping because it isn't.  He's the same as he's always been.  I know that there has probably been other women while I've had cancer and that's probably why he went to the conference and need to go to America because of a female work colleague.  I shouldn't have to beg for support and time from my partner, it should just be there. He has never in 20 years said he loved me, not once. I can't take the fact I'm going to die unloved and lonely  

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    Hello Regis12 and welcome. I realise that you cannot tell the full story of the last 20 years in one post but - taking what you are saying on face value - and I have no reason not to - I personally would separate from your partner if you can stand the upheaval.   I realise everyone is different and has a variety of issues but I don't think I would live like this if I had any alternative.  Regarding your children it cannot be good for them to see their mum treated in the way you describe.  You don't have to beg for anything but you might like - if you have not already done so - to calmly tell your partner that having his total lack of love and support is worse than being on your own - if you feel that would be the case.  Do you have family members who would support you through this difficult time?  What is the financial situation regarding your home?  What do you want to do if, as you clearly feel, that things are not going to change.    Only you can make the decision on how you want to take things forward and it is awful that everything is so difficult at the same time.   How old are your children and are they aware of your diagnosis?  So many questions.   It would be so good for you if you could take charge of what is happening to you and base decisions on what you want.   Tell us your thoughts and we will try to help you if you would like us to do so.  Best wishes.  Annie

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    Thank you for your reply.  I'm devastated to be in the situation I'm in.  Financial, I couldn't possibly manage without the money he gives for the running of the house. I'm not saying he pays for everything but even losing what he gives would make things hard. I haven't told my kids yet as I have only known a short time and still need to get my head round it. I just wake up everyday now feeling really low and anxious, not knowing how I will get through this. I have always been so strong and determined and never let cancer get me down but this has knocked me for six. I really believed that this might make him realise that he cares. If me dying can't change him; nothing will. I have known for a while he doesn't care for me as he doesn't even sleep in the same bed as me. He chooses to sleep down stairs because he can't bear to be close to me. I know what I have to do but just can't find the strength and anyway, I don't think he will leave as probably thinks I won't be here much longer and he can keep the house if he's still here. 

  • Offline in reply to Regis12

    Hi again.  I worry (on your behalf) that the example your children have already been given about how men and woman treat each other - but I can understand if this is a lesser concern at the moment.  You can't go down like this; can you not build up support amongst family and friends and then you don't need to worry about the care you are not getting from you partner.    Sorry to dig deep into things that none of my business but what is the arrangment of the house ownership - will it all go to him if you die.  It is just an evil spark in me that would like to see him worry about it - but I understand you do want continuity for your children.  I can imagine that you do feel low and anxious when you seem to have no control over anything.  It might be worth giving MacMillan Cancer Support a ring (0808 808 00 00)  It's a Freefone number open Mon-Fri 9am-8pm and it appears they give excellent advice, both emotionally and practically.  Best wishes.  Annie

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    Your situation is heartbreaking and no, what he’s doing has no explanation or excuse. It is the polar opposite of my partner who’s been to every appointment and rearranged work, cancelled overseas work trips etc.

    I appreciate this is a tough time to be striking out alone but you have to confront how YOU would like your final days to be. As suggested, what support networks could you set up that are independent of him? Who could help you make sense of your situation?

    Finally the financial matters. A good point has been made here. What are your wishes for your assets and your children’s future? It does not have to be the case that everything passes to your partner, it could go to your kids in trust by appointing a trustee, which would typically be a trusted family member but could also be a solicitor if required.  It is certainly not the case that a house belongs to someone just because they live there. (Been there got that T-shirt with an awkward family member!). It may be worth seeing a solicitor to get advice on these aspects and draw up a will reflecting your wishes. Citizens advice or Macmillan may be worth a try too. Perhaps there’s financial support you could tap into?

    This is not right and it’s time to think of you now.

     

    xxx

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