I feel like I am living my nightmares right now. I have nightmares at night of telling people I am stage 4 and when o wake up in the mornings I am forced to realise that I actually do have stage 4 bc.. It’s only 6 months since I finished H+P for triple positive bc. I have been slowly getting my strength back after being absolutely destroyed by treatment. I was feeling better than I had in a long time - more energy, getting back into exercising and work. I had a planned follow up PET scan to keep an eye on my internal mammary nodes. I was feeling confident it would be clear because I was feeling so well. I’d left cancer behind me and was ready to live life. I even dared hope to have children with my husband in the future. 

Then the oncologist walked into the room with a specialist nurse in tow. My stomach dropped. The PET scan picked up two lesions on my liver. 

I had an ultrasound to see if a biopsy could be done but it was not visible on US so I had a CT scan with contrast. I am now waiting to be booked in for a CT guided biopsy. 

Some days I feel ok and others I just feel rubbish. Today I am feeling so demotivated. I have literally spent all day in the sofa. I have barely been able to eat anything as I just have no appetite. I just don’t know if I have the fight in me. I was incredibly unwell on treatment before and I just can’t do that again - it almost killed me before. 

I’m ashamed to say that I am so jealous of my friends who are healthy and who are having babies. Ofcourse I am happy for them but I wish I could have that too. I wish it wasn’t me who had cancer. On a daily basis I question myself whether I did something to make this happen. I get angry because I am having to accept that I will die within a few years and I feel that I never really got the chance to live. 

My only coping strategy throughout all of it has been to embrace denial. To pretend to myself that nothing is wrong. People tell me I’m so strong and inspirational. Hah! I am not. I just pretend I’m not sick. I don’t know how else to cope. I pretend to everyone, my husband included, that I am A OK. As if saying it out loud would make it worse. It’s been 4 weeks since my first scan results now, and I am still waiting for further scans and a treatment plan. It’s making me anxious and fidgety. 

I don’t know if I’m really going anywhere with this, I just know I can’t say these things aloud but I need it off my chest. 

X