Hi Anonymous,

A very warm welcome to Cancer Chat.

I am so sorry to hear of your mum's diagnosis and how it is impacting on you. I lost my own mum to breast cancer metastases 20 years ago. It is a heartbreaking experience and I had to fly to see her every week which was a great financial strain.

My father was an alcoholic and I know just how hard it is to deal with an alcoholic in the family and understand how they can lash out, particularly when drinking. This can be very upsetting and, has possibly made you resent her from the outset of her cancer diagnosis?

The time that she has been given by her doctors is just a ‘guesstimate’, as nobody really knows her prognosis. We are all different and react differently to our treatments. It is so hard to watch a loved one trying to fight this horrible disease and, suffering the many side-effects that come along with the treatment.

I am sorry to hear about your break-up. This will leave you at a very unsettled time in your life, over and above your mother’s illness. You have obviously done all the practical things that needed to be done after her diagnosis. Do you have any family to help you out with mum and, have you spoken to her consultant about her prognosis now? It is difficult to have to reign in your dreams of TEFL, but, if there is only a short time left now, can you not find it in yourself to stick it out until she passes?

I suspect that you may find this much easier to live with in the long run. You will be able to assure yourself that you did everything you could, despite the strains. I fear that if you were to go away at this juncture, you may never forgive yourself when she passes and you are not by her side.

You are young and will still have the opportunity to fulfil your dreams after mum is no longer here.

Please keep in touch and let us know what you decide to do. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thorough response - and also for not judging. It must have been incredibly hard to live your life while visiting your mum so far away, and I am sorry to hear about your dad's alcoholism problem. You sound like an incredibly strong, resilient and a kind person.

Yes you are absolutely right, I think I am partly resenting her choices in life but I know I'm being unfair because she has had a tough life and she's always been very sensitive and suffered from anxiety problems and low self esteem. So even with the best intentions I don't think she would have had the strength to make different choices.

It would be great if all the resentments, anger and fights would just disappear when finding out about her diagnosis but I feel that they have only got worse and its upto me to let it all go and not take anything she says personally, so I can make her as comfortable as possible.

Yes you are right about TEFL, I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else... It's going to be a tough time and I guess I need to accept the fact that I'll have to go through with it and be with her, and put my plans on hold for the time being. My brother lives about 2h away and he tries to visit her once a month. But I know that, should something happen, the strain will fall on me.

Luckily I can work from home a few days a week, so I can spend more time with her. It would be a great relief if she did have a carer come in once a week or accept some help from a volunteer. But she's always been a very private person and never wanted to show her weaknesses to anyone, so I understand how this can be hard for her to let someone in during such a tough time.

I wonder if you have any advice on that? I don't want to force her to do something she doesn't want to do but at the same time I find it very hard to cope with the pressure of being the only person nearby in case something happened or she felt too weak to get out of bed and make herself a meal etc.

Thank you again!

Best

Ieva

Hi Leva,

I didn't mean to make the choice for you, but to show you a side that you might find hard to live with if you are away from home at the end. Resentments like these run deep and, it is not everyone that can let go, but if you can concentrate on making her as comfortable as possible, you will have nothing to castigate yourself about in years to come.

Isn't it strange how the strain always falls to one person in the family? I have 4 brothers all living locally to my mum, but it still fell to me to do everything.

I can understand why she doesn't want anyone in to look after her needs, when she is such a private person. Is this because she is still drinking? If so, have you told her doctors about this? We are advised not to drink with some cancer medicines, so it might be worth letting her care team know the situation, if you haven't already done so.

I wish that I could advise you on this. You are the person who probably knows her best in the world. How is she keeping at the moment health wise? Does she have falls? Can she manage on her own throughout the day when you are at work? Can she still attend to her personal needs and get to the toilet in time?

There may well come a time when she cannot do any of this. At this stage, she could stay at home with carers or she could move into a hospice, if you have one nearby. It might be worth discussing your concerns with her care team, preferably without your mum being present the first time, so that it doesn't all explode in your face, when she announces that she does't need help. She will look on it that she has you, but she won't see the impact that all of this is having on you.

Her care team will be used to this, because most people would prefer to stay at home until the end, but this is not always practicable. It is helpful that you can work from home for a few days a week, but don't tie yourself to being there all the time. You will need a break from caring occasionally and you may find that the only time you get one is when you are at work.

You really need to be able to get away from it all at times, if you are to be able to cope and don't harm your own health. Remember, that as a carer, it is important that you keep in good health, otherwise you will all be up the creek without a paddle.

Can you tell me what type of cancer she has and whether she has had it for a while, or was she only diagnosed 18 months ago?

There is no reason why you canot fulfil your dreams of TEFL very shortly. If you like, you can think of it as a new beginning after all of this is over. You can then start with a clean slate and live your life as a 28 year old should be able to live it.

I am always here for you if I can do anything to help.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

I don't envy your choices, but I hope that you make the right one for you and, if possiblee for your mum.

Hi Leva,

I am sorry to read that your mum's cancer has progressed and that treatment is no longer an option. I am afraid that I know nothing about cyber knife, but it might be worth discussing this with her consultant or nurses to see what their advice would be. You could also contact the nurses on this site for advice. They are available Mom - Fri from 9.00am - 5.00pm. Their telephone number is 0808 800 4040 and, it is free to phone from any UK landline. I am glad to hear that your brother is visiting more often and that this is taking some pressure off you.

Does your mum have any relatives in Latvia still? It could be a rather lonely place for her if not. It is good to hear that she is still fighting with a positive aproach and hasn't succumbed to depression. You are dealing with the situation as most of us do. You are bound to have 'down' days, but you are managing to remain positive in front of her and to buoy her up.

With all that is going on in your life you seem to be coping really well and, I am glad that you are feeling in a better place mentally. It is always good to be able to hold on to some of your social life whilst all is going on around you. You will need the support of some of these friends after the inevitable happens. Don't worry about the arguments that you still have. It sounds as if this has been part of your life for many years, so don't change things. Most people with cancer want their family and friends to treat them normally and not to wrap us up in cotton wool. If this is how the two of you have communicated for years, why change the habit of a lifetime?

I am glad to read that you have found some help in contacting Cancer Chat. Please remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Leva,

I am glad that you had a talk with your mum’s consultant on your own, even though it wasn’t good news. I can understand why your mum doesn’t want to know when this is the case, but you now know the situation and can prepare for it. Your mum obviously has some idea of how serious her situation is, or she wouldn’t be so keen to get home to Latvia.

You are fortunate in that you can take the next month off and accompany her. You are naturally devastated at such tragic news and you are overwhelmed at the enormity of all the things that will need to be taken care of eventually. When we get news like this we start to grieve for the loved one we know that we are going to lose.

Try not to look at the bigger picture. Deal with things day-by-day or even hour-by-hour if need be. You can settle some of her affairs in advance and save yourself more work when the inevitable happens.

It is usually a good idea for anyone to make a will. I understand that when someone dies intestate it can take a lot longer to settle their estate. You have mentioned your brother, so I know that you have siblings. If there is no will this can become difficult. It’s amazing how people can change when they think that they’ve got something to gain. We had it in my own family after my mum died and, the reaction of my brother divided the family for many years. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, especially at such a sad time as this. When you are grieving you really need the support of your family, not to have them all pulling in different directions. A will doesn’t have to be a huge document, just a simple statement of your mum’s wishes. It is however best to get it drawn up by a professional who knows the loopholes and can make the will watertight.

Many people now take out a funeral plan in advance to cover the cost of the type of funeral they want. This can be done irrespective of the person’s health issues.  You have had a lot put upon you from a young age, but I am sure that this has made you the strong and supportive person you are today. I am sorry to hear that you were desperate enough to have to turn to the Samaratins the other night. Did you find that this helped you? Many of us have had difficult childhoods/teenage years. If I were to write a book about mine, nobody would believe it.

Have you considered having a chat to your GP? S/he may be able to help with your depression. You have a difficult road ahead of you and a mild anti-depressive, might help you through this difficult time.

I hope that all goes well in Latvia over the next few weeks.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine

Thank you for responding so quickly, and your kind response, I really appreciate the support. 

I am so sorry to hear about what happened after your mum passed away. Money can make some people do ugly things. Are you and your brother on speaking terms now? 

My mum doesn't really have an estate. Her last workplace are still due to arrange a pension payout for her which will be a lump sum but otherwise she doesn't have any savings, only a few debts. I am not sure what happens to that, whether or not the debt gets written off if someone passes away. I've raised the subject tentatively and she reassured me that the bank would not put the repayments onto family members if the worse were to happen. Perhaps it's something I should check though.

I think you maybe right, I feel that subconsciously she does know her diagnosis as she's been reading a lot more literature on healing and spirituality. She's also been talking more openly about her alcoholism to me which has always been a taboo subject. We had a lot more hugs as well.

Good advice about the GP, I will consider that. It's just so hard to know what the right thing to do is. I've also reached out to my ex which I would not do under normal circumstances but I'm looking for a strong shoulder to lean on as a friend and hopefully we won't cross any lines. I just want to be strong for her, to boost her moral when we're in Latvia but I know I'll have bad days. Samaritans was helpful yes, but the lady who answered my call - bless her - at 3am sounded like she'll drift off to sleep being up so late at night on the phone. Excuse the dark humour, I really admire the volunteers there, amazing people who give up their nights to help others and it was helpful to get things off my chest. Maybe once this is all over I can give something back and volunteer as well.

I would read your book :) if you'd like to share any stories please do. Xx