My condolences heartstring, on your loss. You're absolutely correct in that anti-depressants take time to have an affect and sometimes a range of them has to be tried before finding the right one. I've previously had to stop taking a different sort because of uncontrollable itching.

This is why I thought it might be a good idea to prescribe them prophylactically, although there's the cost issue that Jolamine mentioned. It seems though that the prevalence of negativity upon diagnosis suggests that we should prescribe regardless.

I was told very early on that, because my cancer is a remitting/relapsing one, they weren't trying to cure me but trying to give me the best quality of life.

I remember the guilt I felt when I had my first pain free period for over 30 years. I thought that I should immediately get a job, though at the time I was so ill I couldn't even wash myself.

Thanks for your input

Hi Taff,

I cannot really explain my reluctance to start taking anti-depressants.

I had been taking 600mg of Lyrica for many years for pain previous to this. I had a lot of nasty side-effects to this and, had a terrible experience trying to stop taking them.

I understand that it is not a good idea to take anti-depressants long-term and that the problems with stopping them are similar to the ones I had with Lyrica. You really have to reduce them gradually. I was also aware of the possibility of becoming addicted to them. Like you, I take morphine routinely along with several other drugs and am concerned about what all of these are doing to my insides.

I fully agree that by talking about them, we are likely to eventually reduce the stigma surrounding them and I applaud that.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi everyone,

This is an interesting thread. Especially heartening is that, given our circumstances, so many of us (me included) are worrying over long term effects :-)

Bfn
Dave 

Just to add to the mix - where possible I try to pump up serotonin in natural ways and having an internal narrative with myself e.g. it is natual you feel low you have cancer, don't expect yourself to feel ok all the time (note I am not saying this to anyone else but it is the conversation I have with myself) where this fails and the low/s are effecting my functionioning I take 5 HTP (L-5 hydroxytryptophan) - each to their own but I am very glad my days on citiliapram are over and am saddened by how quickly they (medical profession GP's etc)  are prescribing anti depressents and how frequently without dialogue the dose is increased -   

Thanks ;-)

Hi All,

A bit about the sort of depression I'm subject to, or the closest I come to it. I've just woken up and am about to start my third cup of coffee before I go to bed. First some background, I think.

I've been hovering on the verge of anaemia off and on for many years and as anaemia is a feature of multiple myeloma, an Hgb level of 7.5 triggered a blood transfusion and the diagnosis of the cancer in 2016.

In 2017 I had a period of a few months where it was around 12.5 but in the last 6 months has been in the mid 9s and for the last 3 months, it's gone down again to 8.5 ish.

This has triggered an investigation and the main route is a gastro one - cameras up and down. I've had them before and while doable, they're not pleasant and I usually ask for sedation. The most unpleasant bit is the bowel prep before hand.

Monday then, all I had to eat was mac cheese, eight Tuc biscuits and more mac cheese. As well as a litre of Moviprep. Vile stuff.

Previous use has not been too bad as I had a blockage and thus, two toilet visits was all that was needed. Not so when you've got a bag. Stoma bags are only so big and there's no control over output It can happen any time or all the time, so first thing, don't move far from the toilet. And be prepared for a blow out. Aptly named as they're explosive in nature. They cannot be predicted. One has to accept that sometimes, -hit happens. Luckily, all well on that score.

And so to my point - Monday and today, Tuesday, not having eaten, dehydrated, and feeling generally unwell, I felt like I wanted to curl up and be warm, and be snuggled and as time went on, considered cancelling the procedure. 

So while not depressed as such and not pondering on the procedure at all, I've had low mood for the best part of 2 days.

The procedure - First an attempt to look at the large colon via my stoma. I'd had the sedation, after 3 attempts at canulisation, and was also on oxygen. In he went. Or tried to. Couldn't get further than a couple of cms due to stricture. Good thing I've kept my output on the liquid side. There was some inflammation, that I could also see on the little telly and I watched as several biopsies were taken. 

And so that was it for the colonoscopy. No discomfort at all. So on to the gastroscopy, a camera via the mouth to the duodenum. First an anaelgesic spray to the throat which numbs it and some of the mouth, just like at the dentist.

This procedure was singularly unpleasant, with me trying to vomit for most of it and the nurse holding my head while applying suction to my mouth. Luckily this only lasted for a couple of minutes, biopsies were taken and immediately they withdrew the camera, I felt ok. No physical after effects apart from some minor bleeding and mentally, feeling fine due to the sedation. Not immediately sleepy.

Daughter brought me home almost as soon as I was dressed, where I immediately had a coffee and mac cheese. You're probably rightly thinking that mac cheese makes up a disproportionate part of my diet. But it's got to be Heinz. On white, Warburton toast.

Immediately afterwards, my daughter started explaing something really, really important and I fell asleep as she spoke. No idea what it was about.

Woke up after midnight with a mouth like an Arab's dap and started on the coffee. I think I'll have a fourth.

And I'm back, Nescafe's finest at my side. Mood is obviously still good, it must be true what they say; happiness is opiate flavoured. On them for life? That'll do me. And as I 'ent ded yet', life goes on.

Back at the hozzy tomorrow for a biphosphonate infusion - if they can find a vein.

'Night All

Taff

I've just remembered, which is odd - just as the nurse removed by bag, my stoma released an explosive fart, spattering her with the last remnants of my bowel.

Very stoic, these nurses.

Hi taff .... not sure weather to say good morning or goodnight as from your post, you've had a rough night ... depending how you look at it ... well I never sure how you will take some comments but on reading your post , can't help but reply ....

your an inspiration , in the highest grade ... if you were born in Greece years ago, you would av been a gladiator ... don't think you realise how much you do for others on being so open and honest about tests / treatments / and feelings ... good , bad , and funny ... lots of people just read posts without always commenting. .. but are helped by reading these threads ...

I know you don't like the word battle, (as I share that thought) but my god, you must have that cancer shaking in his shoes ... I know we all must have days when we feel overwhelmed by it all ... wer all human ... but it's that , l might be face down in the gutter but we have the choice of staying face down and giving up or we can lift our heads up to look at the stars ... l have been so humbled since I found our little chat page .. esp the parents with little ones having to watch their babies go through this journey. . 

You , Dave, and telemando, do more then any of you realise ..having male points of view are so needed ...And my breast buddies who see a new lady (or man) just starting out on breast cancer diagnosis and waiting for things to happen, help new ones to get through those early days that are so scarry ..my wise ol owl, jolomine who always puts others first ... and little Annie, who has not had cancer, but loved ones have, and makes every day, one to empathise with others ...

Well I'm sorry, gone off track as usuall.. started a reply, ended with a book ... and taff to end, I'm off to oncology dr this after for results (pretty sure they are good) and if I keep giggling while he talks, it's because I can't get the thought of your device farting and spreading joy over the nurse ... 

Long may you kick cancers *** along this journey of ours ... Chrissie

Hi Chrissie, I noticed there a phrase you also used last night, about some people staying face down in the gutter - 

At least they give the rest of us somewhere to park our bikes.

As ever, your words are a kindness, thank you.

I've ate the shop out of mac cheese and had to have tinned spag bols on toast for breakfast. Have sent out for emergency rations and hope to get my fix later on.

I'd forgotten already that I'm now awaiting the biopsy results from yesterday. That's supposed to make me worried but I really can't be bothered. On the way back from hozzy tthis morning, I was telling my son that investigations for anaemia usually started with gastro and mentioned that anaemia could be a sign of a secondary primary cancer, which can be treatment related and which sorts were more probable with myeloma. He mentioned it to his brother who lives with him who then posted on their whats app group that I was being investigated for a secondary cancer, nearly giving my daughter a heart attack as she thought there'd been some new development.

She'd better not have one though, she's the one getting my mac cheese. Feel a coffee coming on.

Best Regards

Taff