Hi Annarochsdale,

A very warm welcome to our forum.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad and how much this is upsetting you all. I lost both of my parents,  many other family and close friends to cancer and, I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer myself, so I am not immune to the misery that it can cause. I am so sorry to hear that the immunotherapy did not work for your dad and am sure that he doesn’t relish the thought of going back on chemo any more than you want to see him back on it. Your children are young enough that they are unlikely to hold the memory of a sick old man for too long. Besides children are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for.

It is not easy to be the strong one in a situation like this, but you have to for both of your parent’s sakes. Cry in private by all means, crying releases some of the pressure you’re under, but try to remain positive in front of your folks. Can you talk to your partner about how you feel? Have you considered getting counselling for yourself? Many cancer charities offer this to families of cancer patients. Your dad’s care team should be able to direct you to someone local. Counselling is not for everyone, but it is a tremendous help to some. You have done a good thing by coming to us here, as we all know exactly what you are going through and are only too willing to try and help you through this.

Try your best not to think of the bigger picture. Concentrate on making your dad as comfortable as possible. Sit with him and support him. Talk to him. Make sure that he has said all that he wants to say and seen all that he wants to see. Support your mum. Try your very best to stay positive in front of them both, Take things day by day or even hour by hour if things are getting too much for you.

Remember that we are always here for you whether you want advice, information,  support or even if you just want to vent.

I hope that all goes well with his chemo on Tuesday.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hello annarochsdale; and welcome. No matter what your life experiences have been nothing, nothing at all prepares you for facing the loss of a parent.  So please don't beat yourself up about how you are handling things.  Jolamine gives excellent advice particularly about just handling the moment and not letting your mind run ahead to what may be coming.   "Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof" - which in simpler language of course means just handle what is happening now and take tomorrow's problems when tomorrow arrives.

I was five (I think) when my paternal grandfather died of stomach cancer and although he was very frail and thin before he died it didn't affect the ongoing mental picture I had of him.  I just accepted that he wasn't well and to be honest was very curious about the paraphernalia around him.  But the mental picture of him lying in bed was just one of many others of happier events. Children can surprise us sometimes by their ability to accept things once they are explained to them.

You will get tired and stressed sometimes so don't be too harsh on yourself if you don't always succeed in keeping your emotions in check in front of your parents.    Just to add a further source of support - Macmillan Cancer Support (Freefone 0808 808 0000) provide support to the families of cancer patients.

Do keep coming here to relieve your feelings if you find it helpful.  Annie

Hi annarchdale

welcome to the forum and so sorry to hear about your dad

i am now 3.5 year post treatment for a head and neck cancer and doing well. However for a period of 6 months I had to withdraw from my normal life as I went through chemo and tomotherapy. 

During this time a lot of my male friends dissapeared, but I think this was more to the fact that they just did not know how to talk to me and As iwas one of the fittitest blokes in my circle of friends,  I think my illness just gave them a reality shock in that if it could happen to such a heathly bloke as myself .... it could happen to anyone .... and blokes tend not to deal with this sort of thing .... just ignore it .... so not talking to me helped them not deal with it

i think ... I hold no grudges and we all talk now

anyway there was a period of 3 months where I was very ill and had no or little whispers that tried to imitate a voice and slowly but surely I becam a bystander to life in my own family.

i used an app on my iPad to talk to my wife and explain the exclusion I felt and all I wanted was for people to act normally around me, talk to me naturally, ask me questions knowing that they were never going to get a quick answer, but ultimately treatment as if I had not got cancer

this helped me a lot, just listening to people talk about usless everyday things that they would normally talk about and for me being part of usless chat, being able to nod my head, shrug my shoulders, smile or rolls my eyes at the price of strawberries made me feel normal

I am aware that I am talking about how you talk to your dad and not about how you are feeling but I just though I would through in that observation

with regards to yourself, I found that cancer not only infects the person, but it’s emotional impacts creeps it’s way into those we love and those that care about us. I was conscious through my cancer to make sure that my cancer was not just about me, but it was about my immediate family to .... everybody was looking after me, but who was supporting them ... I was in no fit state to.

my wife found that this site helped enormously as your friends and family can sympathise with you, but they don’t really undearstand (through no fault of their own) what you are going through.

and that’s what we do on this site .... we have either been there, survived, lost someone, are going through treatment or cared or caring for someone going through treatment.

no question is to silly everything so talk to us and if you get really friendly with someone on here there is always the faculty to private message, as not everyone is open to displaying all their feelings in a select but open chat environment

i hope I have helped in some small way

lets us know how you and your dad get on please

vatch

Hi there, My husband has lung cancer and we have two grown up daughter's and three beautiful grand children.   They love their Dad and we never told the grandchildren that it was cancer.  Treat him kindly but as you normally would , they want normal family times to keep life real.  Little ones are resilient, ours know he's ill but still cuddle him and sit on his knee. Parents know that the worry is there, just ask questions about treatment, talk as adults would, be strong and you will get through it easier.  Take it a day at a time, don't second guess what is going on, be honest with each other.  Did you know that if Dad gives permission you can talk to his Mc Millan nurses and voice your concerns to them.  I hope this has helped a little bit.  Take care.  Carol 

Thank you everyone!

Your words of advice are kind and caring and I really do appreciate the time you have taken to respond. I really do need to live in the moment and not worry about would could/would/should be happening.

Thanks,

Anna x

That's what this forum is for.x

Annarochdale

on one hand congratulations and the other sorry to hear about your dad

having been through cancer one thing that annoyed me, were people treating me differently because I had cancer.

I know it’s difficult but treat your dad as you would normally, obviously the gravity of the situation sometimes changes the situation ..... perhaps just tell your mum and dad and keep it quiet until you go public

i hope you find a way to deal with it that works for you

vatch

Hello again and congratulations on your pregnancy.  It is of course your decision but I would certainly tell your mum and dad about your pregnancy - they will surely be happy for you.  Again, your decision but I would tell everyone you would normally tell also.  I think most people are aware that life goes on (in its own mysterious way) and there is nothing wrong or strange about your bringing a new life into your family.  I would think your dad would be thrilled!

Having said all that I am sorry your dad is deteriorating; even when your logical brain knows that this is going to happen it is difficult to accept.  Keep him informed; he still loves you and wants to know your joys.

I am attaching some information about talking to children when a loved one is dying; I thought it might  be useful.  Best wishes.  Annie

www.macmillan.org.uk/.../talking-to-children

Hi Anna, congratulations on your pregnancy, life throws curved balls at us and joy and sorrow go hand in hand.  I was three months pregnant with my first baby and my Grandad was dying of lung cancer.  I gave him the good news and he was thrilled for me, so tell Mum and Dad, it's a happy occasion for all.  This will focus your mind and help you cope so don't keep it from them.  I'm so sorry about your Dad's diagnosis.  Xx