Hey everyone,

I hope everyone is well. Up until yesterday I was taking this really well. I'm 25 and I have ovarian cancer. I really accepted it for what it is, I tried not to ask why me and instead try and make mature and rational decisions about how I will get through it. Cancer is something only a cancer sufferer can understand. It's not just a physical battle. It's not just a battle to get your body better. It's not just puking and exhaustion and stress and sleepless nights. It's not just the million and one side effects you get from all the drugs you go on to help with aches and pains and surgeries. I feel like I can handle that part. It's the emotional side. The question will I ever be a mother. Has that been taken from me?

I was at the hospital yesterday. Up until then I was handling it. I was coping so well. I was so proud of myself. I had 2 major surgeries and I was standing up. Doing what needed to be done and I felt so good about myself. Then this really beautiful couple walks in to the hospital, holding this car seat, with this tiny little baby in. Everything I worked on within myself just shattered. Now I know I can adopt, Foster have a surrogate. I would do those things and adore the child as if that baby was my flesh and blood but I used to stuff pillows up my shirt when I was like 8 and pretend I was having my first child. I already understood child birth at that age. I have always wanted to feel that life grow inside me. It just broke my insides. I couldn't even look at them. I felt sick that they were here infront of me and for a moment I hated them. These strangers who have no idea who I am. I just hated them.

If only it was just hair loss and physical pain. I could handle. This pain in my chest. This loss I feel. I have started the grieving process for a child I don't have. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it. I suppose we all just cope differently.  

Thanks for reading xo