Hello caz.  Yesterday was also the birthday of Paul, the friend who lives in the house with me; he was 71.  He invited some of his family down so we all went to the pub (child-friendly, a very relaxed place) in the afternoon .  He has COPD and is supposed to be waiting for a cataract operation - he isn't pushing very hard as he is frightened! - so I do any necessary driving.  He has a mobility scooter but the weather hasn't been good enough to ride it of late. 

Your story of your husband's birthday sounded so typical.  Isn't it so often the way that you do your best, think you have done a good job and are feeling pleased with yourself then you get the knockback!  I suppose it is a bit like having an unruly child to whom you have to teach manners!  You have your ups as well however so make the most of them and enjoy when days are good.  The snow has melted now in London and the streets are all clear; what is like up your way today?  Annie 

Hi ANNIE,  I'm glad you had a good day as well.   It's starting to melt here so today we have driven through lots of floods and mud.  Everything looks dirty and not at all spring like.  I have seen lots of old pout on their mobility scooters, they must be made or s3 Nike to risk going out in this weather.   We've had a peaceful afternoon and his leg is comfy, a light tea as we ate so much yesterday!   Take care,  it's nice hearing from you. Xx

It's 3.30 am,  the rain is lashing down, the wind horrendous and hubby is coughing his guts up.  I can't sleep through it, so drag my dressing gown on pad along to his room and make him a cup of  tea and some pain killers.   He apologies for getting me up again and I tell him we're getting a Doctor out in the morning,  this has gone on for weeks.   I go back to bed but the rain is splashing onto the window ledge and it's like water torture.  I get up again and open the window out over to stop it but it's so windy it blows open further.  I sleep until 7.30 and call the surgery, they will send someone out for us.  He's just gone and apart from suggesting a pillow over hubby's face (I think he was joking) there is not much he can do but recommend steroids again.  It's the tumour irritating his chest and all the treatments haven't helped apart from shrinking the size of  it.  I knew this  was never going away but it looks like it's going to be a long haul.  There's very little to discuss with each other,  we know we are on borrowed time, just not how long.   I must try and let all the little digs go over my head, he's suffering with cancer and doesn't know what is going to happen.  We are left to get on with it, we have no other choice.  See you tomorrow. X

We managed a whole night without having to get up although the coughing persists but to a lesser degree.  I still woke up but got back to sleep.  The night before I had tried to talk to hubby with my tooth brace still in place, it made me lisp and he couldn't understand what I was saying, it was like a Morecambe and Wise comedy of errors and would have been funny if he hadn't been puce in the face.  So we get up a little more of a happy equilibrium but he still complains about a runny nose, the daffodils are giving him hay fever, his leg is sore and any little complaint he can think of, I honestly think it's a way of avoiding the elephant in the room.  I move the daffodils and put another plant on the table, oh that's better he says, it should be because they're not real I say!!  Anyway I do zumba, have a shower and he's off again, he's tired needs to have a nap his leg hurts and he doesn't think my patch up yesterday is any good,  I've had enough! I get my bag and car keys, tell him to have a good nap and take off to T K Max.  Bought some lovely soothing soaps and shower gels and honey body butter, I need calming smells.  We've just had tea and watched Murder Maps, makes a change from Top Gear  See you tomorrow. 

Hello Carol.  That's a real downer when you are having to face the future; well done you for keeping up your routine.  It is so often the way that when you are trying to talk about something serious a ridiculous situation (like your tooth brace) makes the whole thing farcical.  You write so calmly but I can only imagine how you are feeling inside.  You must find it difficult to write your blog on some days?   Good old TK maxx; I go there when in Brixton.  There is always something I want to buy.  Annie

Hi ANNIE,  I love T K Max so much to browse and try on and brilliant prices.  Now the snow has gone I can escape .  He can't moan when I'm not here! Anyway feet up watching Corrie and some Cadbury chocolate to keep me happy.  Xx

We have slept through the night, I didn't even wake up until gone nine this morning.  Thank  God for steroids!  Hubby is chirpy and calls a good  friend and I hear them chatting and laughing away and it makes me smile.  He tells me all about how Bob is doing and what a laugh they have had and then puts Daily politics on the TV and promptly starts moaning about the government , the Russians ,the home secretay, basically anything that gets him annoyed!  Why do men do this? Is it in their physche to moan more as they get older, I wish I knew.  I'm  trying to empty bins, do the washing, feed the birds, chop some bushes back a little more and it's just white noise now.  I'm off to the pictures with Mary, back from wet Tenerife (She doesn't get a lot of sympathy!).  We go to see Finding Your Feet,  which was brilliant, funny and a little too close to home for comfort  as the main character dies from stage four lung cancer (I know you couldn't make it up!).  Anyway we both enjoyed it and came out laughing.   Funny story in car park, I had to put my registration number in the machine before paying and we hadn't a clue how to do it until we stood back and saw the key pad near the bottom of the machine, do these people deliberately make it difficult for older people!  Having walked across the car park to do this we then find a machine next to my car!  It's a good job we can laugh about it.  So fish and chip take away for tea as I really cannot be bothered to cook  see you tomorrow. 

I think  the the lack of sleep is catching up with me as I have nodded off in the sunny (SUN!!) Conservatory for the first time in months.  Hubby has slept well again but wakes up coughing,  though annoying it let's me know he is still here which is lovely as many with his stage of cancer are not.  He read some statistics yesterday about one year survival rate being the norm for his stage, I already knew this but had never told him,  so he was chuffed that he is beating the odds.  I arrange to meet Mary and he offers to take me which he likes to do because it makes him feel useful.   He dresses in some of his birthday gifts and looks very smart, having had a hair cut yesterday , his hair has grown back thicker than before chemo.  So he's popped to the golf club to see some friends and it's  nice to see him going out and also I get the house to myself! !  A good day after many bad ones.  X

I feel very tired today and not exactly one hundred percent.  It's cold and raining and if we didn't need a cup of tea I would happily stay in bed.  I just think sometimes it's all too much to handle but those days are far and few between.  I am also aware that it's Mother's day and nothing special has been arranged by hubby.  I don't say anything as I once mentioned this when I wasn't seeing my daughters and was shot down in flames when he pointed out I wasn't his Mother so why would he arrange something.  We go out to Sam Turners and I buy the set of Royal Worcester coffee,  tea, sugar and cake tins all in non breakable tin and he says he thought about booking us in for lunch tomorrow but it was too late!  I don't really care as it's so difficult getting around with him that I've  arranged to go to my sister in law's for coffee and cake, we can have tea at home and rest.  Both my girls are hundreds of miles away and Mother's day is not the same minus children! !  See you tomorrow .

To be perfectly honest the hype around Mother’s Day really gets to me these days. I said to my lot that we were doing the celebration and meal out bit last week, Mother’s day itself is overpriced, overhyped and less than good value usually.  Grump.