Dear Sue, I also looked at Julie's last post, it's months ago.  The Queen has two birthdays, one in April and officially June for the Trooping the colour.  We went for a drink about 5pm, Norman is so angry at the moment it's like treading on eggshells, I really didn't want to go but we've had a drink and I feel more mellow, in fact I feel quite tipsy.  We went to another pub as the Bay looked empty.  He asked what I wanted to drink and I said a medium rose, two minutes later I'm asked again, the bar man said, what I'd asked for, he must know you hubby said, no I replied he actually listened to what I asked for!!  I'm lacking in patience at the moment, everything is an effort and he's annoying me greatly.  I know that those who have lost loved ones will condemn me for this but I'm living in the moment, not the future without a husband.  I admire you so much as I would wish to be as you are, getting on with life. Despite a loved one not being there, it is so hard to imagine him not being around but some days life is too hard, not normal, a living shell of what we had,  laughter is forced, you keep your innermost thoughts to yourself, suppressing them deep down inside, put on a. Happy front as two years in, no one wants to know the reality of life with cancer.  I'm not unhappy, just sad that it alters the life we knew. I feel like we live in limbo some days, not quite sure how it will end.  I've just fed us both and am watching the Borgias, I couldn't see it first time round, its very compelling.. Speak soon.  Carol xx

My poor husband is so lacking in energy its worrying.  I wish I had someone I could talk to about this but my Contacts seem uninterested, I appreciate they are dealing with new cases each day but us oldies still need guidance.  We see a consultant next month, but we're not holding out for much help as it's the one who asked us what we thought he had after the biopsy, whilst smiling at us both inanely!!  Then having showed us the scan stated, stage 4, incurable, big help!  Anyway, we've been to select a new car for him, with a built in sat nav, seeing as we don't go far we're not likely to get lost!  I've just tried to book a train to see a pen friend I made on this site but the cost was extortionate, I could have a spa treatment with lunch for the same price.  So it's postponed, or I could hitch a lift.  So not many of us left now but Sue I hope all is well.  Love Carol x 

Dear Carol,
Going out and having a drink would have been good.. anything that makes you feel more mellow has got to be good with the stress of everything.  The only way to get through this roller coaster is to live in the moment, if you constantly thought of the future you'd be a wreck.  No, I don't think badly of you getting annoyed at Norman.  I did with Neil all the time, he took things literally, which in a lot of instances wasn't how it was meant, but you couldn't make him understand.  I'd love for him to still be here, but not suffering as he was.  And I hated our life with cancer, everything revolved around it, doctors, treatment, how Neil was feeling, half the time I couldn't do what I'd have liked to because he wasn't well enough to be left alone.  And you do keep a lot to yourself, you daren't say it, you don't want to think the worst may happen.  I'm sure it's not just the carer's that do this, those with cancer do also.  Cancer isn't fair.  
It is worrying, he seems to have been getting tired and moody for a while now,and with his cough and wheezing, I would have thought at least one of his doctors/consultants would have been more interested in checking his symptoms and exactly what is causing them.  So what sort of car did you choose for him?  Hopefully the new car will cheer him up a little...Boys and their toys.  I discovered only a couple of weeks ago how to use my phone's maps.. was great as I was lost at the time.  Showed me exactly where I was and how to get where I was going.  I assume you were hoping to visit someone in the UK.. wouldn't have thought it would be that expensive.  Although it does seem the less distance you travel the dearer it is.
Another lazy day, although Deana did ring and ask to borrow a springform pan and see if I wanted to come for tea, as she was making a cheesecake and a huge pot of spaghetti bolognaise.  Eli was funny, he thought I was there to babysit and clung to Deana for a while until he realised she wasn't going anywhere.  Tomorrow I'll be at Deana's to babysit Eli then tomorrow night at Rotary meeting.

Try not to worry, Carol, It's hard I know, but it won't alter anything.  Love to you both.  Sue xx

Dear Gloria,
Sorry to hear you still aren't feeling well.  It's quite possible chemo could be the reason for some of the issues you are experiencing.  The ultrasound should help to clarify if there is anything to be concerned with, but with your blood test being good thats sounds like it's nothing to worry about, not that it helps with how you're feeling.  Can't say I blame you not wanting to go through chemo again.  Hopefully though you won't get too many of the lumps and won't need radiotherapy.  
Pop in when you are able to, it's always good to hear how you are doing.  Hopefully you still soon start to feel better.

Lot of love and take care.  Sue xx
 

Hi girls, things are not good mentally or physically here at the moment and unfortunately I am being dragged down too with the negative energy.  I did zumba this morning and shed a few tears with Dorothy, the class was annoying me as there are two or three people who are struggling with the moves and they then start chatting and laughing in the middle of the routine, it's so annoying but I feel a misery guts if I say something.  Hubby has just come in having stumbled, bashing his arm off the brick work, causing him to drip blood everywhere and demanding a plaster, he's taken a great lump of skin off which I've managed to flatten back down before sticking the plaster on, his anger is so near the surface that I'm not sure when he's next going to explode.  Gloria, I'm so sorry you are having such a horrible time of it,  I hope you get the results you wish for.  I have looked on this forum for his tiredness but it's part of the after effects of the chemo and they now say they weren't aware of how long lasting the effects were.  So we see the consultant soon, not holding out much hope of any constructive help I think we are just in the pipeline now, check up, shift out!  Sue I hope you are doing OK.  Love Carol x 

So this morning I get up at 7.30am make tea and sit with my finger poised over the doctors number so I can punch it in, 8.00am news, bam I call and end up number 29 in the queue!!  I sit sipping my tea in bed, down to number 4, I go into hubby's room, what are you doing he moans, getting a time for your appointment. Don't bother I'm not going there's no point.  Just then we get connected so I ignore him and get a time of 9.45 with the practice nurse. Great he moans someone else who knows nothing about me, I give up and get washed.  So by 9.30 I get three phones calls, James Cook, motabiliy about his Car, a BT scam phone call and Keith calls to see him saying he'd been in the surgery, seen him but thought he'd missed his time, so I immediately think he's not gone and is going to give me a load of *** when he gets back. Pretending he'd been when he hasn't wouldn't surprise me, Keith won't wait as he's off to see June who's now in a home due to dementia then he's off to a funeral. What a cheerful morning I'm having!  So, long story short, he did go, they have put him on a different inhaler, talked sense to him and he's calmed down, let's see how long that lasts!  Mary and I go shopping for new towels, apparently the ones I've got are rubbing his skin off as they are too rough!  I call Faye from my car, please, please give Dad a call I beg, he needs to talk to someone apart from me.  Back home he tells me she's rung, had a good chat, Ella lost a tooth, dropped it down the plug hole, had a melt down, but the Tooth Fairy still came.  I think a gin and tonic is in the pipeline tonight, anyone fancy looking after him for a week?  Love to you all, Carol xx

Hi Sue, things are better today, Faye had called and then little Harry rang to tell me about his gaining his next tai kwondo belt, being second in his school class and being told his Colloseum design was the best!!  Can I talk to Grandad he asks, so ten minutes later a happy Grandad with a smile on his face.  This morning it's horrendous here weather wise, so I tell him to have a lie in, make coffee and go to sit in peace and quiet before he comes down, ding *** goes the doorbell, it's Jim an old workmate who we haven't seen for three years and I invite him in, give him my fresh coffee, tromp upstairs to let him know he's here, I thought he was dead he whispers, obviously not I say because he's sat drinking my coffee in our kitchen!  Anyway they have a good catch up, hubby looks so much better today and Jim says how well he looks, I have to bite my tongue and stop myself from saying, that's because he has a smile on his face for the first time in three weeks!  The airing cupboards sorted, the rough towels disposed of, a M & S steak pie for tea and the heating is on.  Ella loves horsey giddy ups on my foot unfortunately she's six now and it's hard work, it's a good job I've strong legs.  They are so funny when you don't follow their thought process, the looks they give you are so hilarious and you can see your own children in those looks.  I did look up Julie's old postings but there is nothing new on them, I am praying she's too busy to keep up with us.  Poor Gloria she's having a rotten time of it, I feel for her as it must get you down so much, this has been Norman's problem, he's felt so unwell and neglected by the medical profession it's laid him low.  Hope you're alright Sue, love our chit chats.  Much love, Carol x

Dear Carol,

You sound better today.  Harry is doing well with his taekwondo and getting is next belt, and being 2nd in class at school.  That's great.  Good he had a chat to Norman, that would make Norman happy.   Hope you weather improves.  Ours was awful yesterday, it rained almost non-stop all day.  When I braved it to check the letterbox I had water pooling in the garden.  Today was much improved though, and tomorrow is a little better again, which I am happy about as I'm going to Melbourne.  Going to catch up with Bree and pay the house off.  Then tomorrow evening I'll catch up with a girlfriend.  His visitor too would help cheer him up.  Not being well, regardless of the cause, would get you down.  Like you I am hoping Julie and Dave are both doing well and just too busy and enjoying life.  

Kids are so funny, it is hard sometimes trying to understand their thought process, then other times you can see where it's going before they know themselves.  The facial expressions Eli gives are gorgeous and they can change instantly.  He's getting to the stage now where if you say no, the looks you get.  It reminds me so much of when mine were little.

I'm alright, and keeping busy and love our chats too.  Hope you have a great day.  Do you and Norman have anything planned for the weekend?

Best get some sleep as I'm going to Melbourne in the morning.
Take and lots of love to you both.  Sue xxx

Hi Sue, a better day, although the weather is awful again.  Norman has agreed that altering his inhaler was the right thing to do as it has stopped his wheeze which has helped him to relax more.  We've been to the golf club to meet two of his old friends and have a drink with them, Bob is in his eighties and unfortunately his wife has just been diagnosed with bowel and liver cancer and palliative care only, I feel so bad for him as he struggles now and its not going to be easy on his own.  Everything is full of woe as so many have cancer and its difficult to get away from it.  A couple of girlfriends are on holiday and have sent me some photos, I've told them to sod off as they're rubbing my nose in it!!  Christine has suggested a girlie weekend away but we'll see.  So not much happening at the moment as its been too bad to go out!!  Love Carol x