Hubby does not have a good night and as I lay listening to him cough I feel a dread creeping over me that this tumour is growing again.  They say your worst fears are when it's  dark and it's always going to be dark at 3.00 am.   So we get up tired and weary but I put a brave face on and so does he.  We are both full up from lunch yesterday  due to having a full Sunday fest, so a piece of toast and that's it.  Faye calls, she is feeling better but missed work yesterday,  she tells me they met up with Matthew and his Mum on Friday and that Matt had been complaining about them never having called in on the way to the Isle of White to see his Mum!   If I had the energy I would be annoyed but I really don't have the inclination to be this way anymore,  it's not worth it.  I do a little gardening and hubby goes to Richmond but falls asleep in the car whilst there!  Still he's home safe and we are having shepherds pie for tea, then a pleasant night in.  Early start tomorrow as at James Cook,  I might book a permanent chair there.  See you tomorrow 

Hi Caz. Sorry to hear your hubby coughing badly. It's worry worry and then more it seems. I've got another lump appeared so it's now looking at Chemo. Seeing haematologist next Monday. So worried and dreading it. I'm no youngster but well otherwise so hoping I come through it ok. Not very brave I fear. Lots of hugs to you xxx

Dear Golden, it must be hard for anyone going through this and being brave is not something you should worry about.  It's the unknown that causes me problems, I like to face problems head on and all the waiting is so hard for everyone. Every appointment we've had had been late afternoon and the day drags so much!  Hubby is 72 years old but we all want to live longer and enjoy the grandchildren  but when you're ill the patience isn't there so it's catch twenty two.  Let me know how it goes and stay strong.  Hugs xx

Hi Caz. Yes I'm like you I want to know all the ins and outs. Then I feel I can deal with it. I'm 79 but otherwise very healthy til this cancer. I don't feel my age and been told more than once I don't look it so I'm hoping I can get through this. I lost my lovely hubby 12 years ago to cancer but have got three wonderful daughters and six gorgeous grandchildren. They are all grown up and I have three baby great grandsons just arrived so feel so much to go on for. Like yourselves. Hope your hubby improves soon and that you continue to be strong for him and yourself. It's so hard each day I know but somehow we get there. Thanks for chat and lots of hugs xxx

Wow, what a lovely family. It definitely keeps you going as we love seeing them grow into little people.   It sounds like you have a good state of mind, this seems to help a lot and stops you getting so down.  Keep in touch,  it's  lovely to chat.  Hugs from me.

Our peaceful night was spoilt because hubby was having horrible phantom pain due to swapping legs around,  this is so painful he shouts out in pain.  I give him some pain killers and we go to bed but by 5.00 am and then. 7.00 am he is shouting again so I get up and make tea, crawl back into bed, get up again and go to zumba  I find the music and exercise gives me a chance to just concentrate on this and it helps.  One lady stops me and says she follows me because I look so graceful and know the routines and did I used to be a dancer.   I did actually I tell her I trained for the Royal Society for teachers of dance when we lived in Chingford.   How lovely that a forty year old lady compliments someone thirty years older and actually says so!  Back home hubby looks worn out and can't be bothered to do anything so I tell him he can chauffeur me around to the tip, charity shop amd garden centre.   The weather is glorious and a staggering 21 degrees and we have to strip our practically  sewn on jumpers  off.  I buy some plants and get home and do a couple of hours pottering.   So the birds are happy with a clean bird bath, new fat balls and seed and we have a perfect imprint of a dove that has flown into the conservatory window,  it obviously survived as there is no dead body to pick up!  I'm meeting an old school friend for coffee tomorrow,  she has been looking after her new grandson Levi (was going to be Diego but common sense prevailed,  but still became his middle name), as Janet was a P.E. teacher her children are hardly bohemian,  still each to their own.  See you tomorrow 

We have a relatively quiet night but my sleep has been so disturbed I wake up intermittently through the night.  Hubby comes down and starts moaning about the headlines in the paper, and anything else he can think of, it's so draining but I don't answer just ask if he wants toast and carry on doing normal things,  I'm not sure if it's moaning without realising or just his way of getting his anger out of his head.  We decide that as I'm meeting Janet he will go to the golf club,  so I escape early, pop and see Mary, return a parcel and go off to the little shopping complex at West Auckland, he is better left to his own devices.   Janet and I meet, change venues because it's so hot, 26 degrees,  so we sit in a pretty courtyard under a sun brolly and sit and natter.   Her little grandson is now in nursery a couple of days a week and she admits that having him is very tiring.   This is the problem none of us look old and our children don't realise how tiring it is at 70 to look after little ones.  We all had children in our early twenties and feel we deserve to live as we now wish without being landed with child care!  So back home, plants watered  wine and soda in the garden and tea cooking,  hubby should turn up soon. See you tomorrow 

Hubby turned up at 6pm but had not had a good afternoon.   He thinks he's got a bladder infection and feels really unwell.   So up early to ring doctor, number 34 in the queue, so I make him tea, get dressed and finally I'm through and get an appointment.  He wants to see the nurse but he has to see the doctor so he gets a annoyed while I'm talking to the reception .  I'm not in for a good day as these infections make him unwell, grumpy and argumentative.   I abandon him at the surgery as my hair is being cut, I had to cancel last one for James Cook appointment.   I am looking like a Yet ti so I'm not missing this one.  My life is not my own and I'm starting to get cross, nothing is getting better, just worse.  I want to get away and Lisa says her hubby could come up for a few days and cycle the Dales and stay with Dad whilst I go South.  This is not going to happen because it takes hubby out of his comfort zone and travelling three hundred miles there and back for two days is not worth it.  If I could get him on a level where he could cope I'd be off like a flash.  So all in all not a good day which is a shame because the weather is gorgeous.   I've  already had three wine spritzers and can't be bothered to cook so here I come Mr Chippy!!  See you tomorrow 

It's a beautiful day but hubby's mood doesn't ,match it!  He's argumentative and is blocking everything I want to do.  We need a new garden bench,  last year was so awful and with all the treatment we never sat out,, I actually allowed Ella to stick stickers all over it as it was going to the tip!  But his lordship has decided that we don't need a new one and we can use this one, I tell him he can sit on it and get splinters in his bum but no one else will be and that he's just being bloody minded.   This obviously hits home because I'm told to measure  it up and begrudgingly we can "have a look".  Well gee thanks talk about taking the pleasure out of the little life we currently have.  I give up and meet Sue for lunch, he picks me up but is too tired to go and look.  Faye wants to face time, this is arranged but hubby is asleep in the conservatory and he can stay that way, it makes life simpler when he's asleep!!  See you tomorrow.