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Grandad and Lung Cancer

sian_
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Hi Everyone

12 weeks ago, my Grandad was diagnosed with Advanced Lung cancer in both of his lungs and his glands.It was all quite sudden. However, I was lucky to have 2 amazing parents who prepared me for the worst. Although this happened a while ago, I still can't wrap my head around it. Many would discribe me as a Granda's girl and lately I feel like we have parted a little bit. This is something experienced on both sides I believe. Sometimes when I would visit, he would walk out of the room or even the house to go do something else. Fear, maybe? I know with me, the unknown is taking over and everytime I see him, he looks different. He has had one round of chemo, this was a few weeks ago, but unfortunately he took an infection and ended up back in hospital. He was in the hospital for a week with this. As I had the flu, I couldn't go near him for fear of making him even more sick. He wasn't home a week, and ended up back in hospital again. They have him brought in today for his 2nd treatment today..

I was wondering if anyone had any tips on what I could do to maybe help my granda through this, or how to help myself maybe deal with it better?  I love spending time with him, We always would have been rough housing and mucking around. I just don't know how to do it now as I'm always afraid of hurting him or making him unwell. Any tips would be really helpful. 

Thank you.

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    Oh Sian,

    What a rotten time you’re going through. You do not say what age you are, but you seem to be dealing with all that is happening in a very mature way. It sounds as if two amazing parents have produced an amazing daughter!

    I am so sorry to hear about your Grandad and about how suddenly this has all come about. You talk about him distancing himself from you. This could be for various reasons. I am sure that he will be trying to protect you from seeing his suffering. It could also be because he is feeling very tired, something which many undergoing chemo experience. There may also be an element of fear as you rightly say.

    I lost my Mum to secondary cancer in liver, lungs, bain and bones many years ago and I still miss her every day. It was heartbreaking to watch her deterioration at the end stages.

    I suspect that the rough housing and mucking around days are over, as you know yourself. The best thing you can do for him is just to be with him. Does he enjoy any books that you could read to him or music that you could play to him, or would he just rather talk to you?

    I know that this is a hard time for all of your family. You will probably find yourself crying a lot. So long as you don’t do it in front of your Grandpa, it is a good release valve to let the tears flow. Try to talk about it all with your parents. It will be so much easier for all of you if you can discuss things between you.

    I am thinking of you all and hope that you can find the strength to support your Grandpa to the end. Please keep in touch and let us know how he is getting on.

    Remember that there is always someone here to talk to.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine
    Hi Jolamine, I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how hard that has been on you and your family. Cancer is such a hard disease to ever watch anyone go through. Thank you for your response, Jolamine. You have no idea how nice it was to hear from someone who could offer a bit of advice, rather than hearing the all too common "I don't know" response. This is the first time I've seen cancer first hand. I remember when I was younger, there was a child in my year group who had cancer, but that was at least 14/15 years ago. I am 22 now this year and the eldest grandchild so I’m trying to keep myself together for the kids who are younger than me. Some of them are too young to understand what is happening but are old enough to know something is really not right. I think that’s the hardest part too, not just for us but also for Granda. I don’t want him to think that he needs to drive a wedge between him and his grandkids. We all love him and we’re with him every step of the way. He loves Irish country so what I’ve done is bought him this little CD player and downloaded a lot of the music he loves. So maybe, this might help him. You’re completely correct about the rough housing. You would get the odd shoulder bump or toss of the hair, but I would always end up sitting beside him watching game shows on the TV or him teasing me about a few people who he knows from my work. He likes to keep the craic going when he can! I’m off work for 2 weeks now at the beginning of August and I’m hoping to spend time with him, maybe plan a few day trips close to home, but letting him feel like he isn’t stuck in the house. Sometimes, we watch daytime TV like Jeremy Kyle. He hates to admit it, but he loves watching it  Granda is very well thought of, especially around my workplace. Everyday someone would ask about him and as much as I love how everyone asks about him, it can get very exhausting. I am so scared and putting on a brave face is probably the hardest. I come home from work to do my usual things and then when I get to bed, the tears just flow. Sometimes, if I’m even just outside or even all of a sudden. Granda has only ever seen me chipper around him. I would never let him see me sad or upset. At the minute, my main focus is just to spend as much time together with him and my granny doing whatever it is they want. I want to get the whole family together like the way we used to do when we were all younger. Thanks, Sian
  • Offline in reply to sian_

     

    Hi Sian,

    Your Grandad sounds a really special person, rather like my 97 year old father-in-law who has had a fantastic relationship with all of his grandchildren. What a pity that you have to use your holiday looking after him, but I’m sure that you are only too willing to do so.

     How is your Granny coping? Cancer affects the whole family, so she will need some support too. You talk about getting the whole family together like you did before. Just make sure that he is well enough to cope with all this and that you don’t tire him out. Maybe ask him first if he feels that he could manage this. He might be better with smaller groups for a short length of time.

    I’m sure that he will enjoy the music you’ve given him. Apart from anything else he can lose himself in the music and forget for a while what lies ahead. A portable CD player was a good idea too, because he can take it into hospital too if he has to go in again. You mention his younger grandchildren being too young to understand, but old enough to know that something is going on. Young children have big ears and are quick to pick up on any snippets of adult conversation. They are also very quick to pick up on the change of atmosphere in the house. You also mention the two-way distancing that you sense between your grandad and yourself. This happened with my Mum too and I have seen it happen to many people who were nearing the end of their lives.

    This must be particularly hard on you if this is the first encounter you have had with cancer. It is so heart-breaking to see someone you love so much deteriorate before your eyes. Is there anything that your Grandad might like to do, or anyone he’d like to see while he is well enough to do so?

    It is always difficult to answer well-meant enquiries about how he is keeping. I’m sure that you dread seeing people approaching because you know that you are going to have to relay things all over again. It is exhausting and upsetting having to repeat things so often.

    Taking your grandparents on some short trips while you are off sounds like a good idea. I hope that you can all enjoy yourselves despite the circumstances. It is so much better to live each day to the fullest that your health allows, rather than continually worrying about the bigger picture. Life is too short to be miserable.

    Thinking of you all.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

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