Hi.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this post.
I feel so incredibly alone and scared.
I was diagnosed with stage 3c breast cancer in Oct 2016 at the age of 27. I was just starting to get my life together and had just got engaged with my fiancee. And then everything turned on its head.
I'm almost done with chemo and initial scans showed a good response. But since Christmas I have been feeling several lymphnodes in my neck (same side as bc). They're smallish but quite hard which makes me worry it's mets. I have asked my oncs to have a look and they basically say that they can't easily feel them so they're most likely nothing. I realise it is unlikely that any cancer would have spread during chemo as initial scans showed it's responding but I cannot stop worrying about it. I keep telling myself to not worry because if they are cancerous I'm screwed anyway and if they're not then it's useless worrying. But I still find myself crying and panicking every other day.
I'm praying every day that I will be OK but when I look at my fiancee I can barely keep myself from bursting into tears. We were supposed to have a great life ahead of us and instead I've dragged him into a life with cancer hanging over our heads. And even if I do survive, I may never have a family as my fertility is screwed. I feel incredibly guilty for everything he and my family have to go through.
On top of everything I am angry and jealous of my friends who are healthy and happy and getting on with their lives. I am angry at all the people who live unhealthy lives and don't get ill. It's horrible, I feel so selfish for feeling like that. Secretly wishing it was them not me who has to fight this disease. Most of all I am angry with myself, not long ago I was clinically depressed and was contemplating suicide. Fast forward a year and I was free of my depression only to be told I have cancer. Why could I not just enjoy life before while I had it.. before I knew I was sick.
Sorry for the long slightly incoherent post but I needed to get it off my chest somewhere.
I hope I'm not alone.
Xx
