Chelle I go back on my Tamoxifen after now ( 10 years!!) after completing the radio T for 3 weeks. I cried on the day I had to take it again, I had been on it only 3 weeks prior then told to stop for radio T. First time taking it most horendious head aches but nothing atm but then its only been 2 days !

I feel we can blame the drugs or it might just be struggling living with the fear of cancer returning. Thats where I am atm. I feel like all my friends are busy enjoying themselves having a life with new partners etc ( sex life ! god whats that !!)  and i feel like im on a bubble on the outside looking in. My moods have been terrible since i was told the bomb shell 6 months ago and I get into real rages over stupid things. I think its just the stress of everything.

I feel like I want to put this whole Breast cancer thing in the back of my mind but I feel as if i have to live with it for the rest of my life. Mostly fear. I am not one of these " fihghters" who wants to run a marathon or shout it from the roof tops of Facebook ! infact i got really *** off when my ex hubband told me a plumber guy locally who i cant stand and his gf  RANG HIM UP to see if the rumor was true about me ! I hate people talking behind my back. Omg is it terminal, poor kids, did she loose her breast.  NO luckly at present its not terminal and i had a lumpectomy and radiation which im struggling with atm. they tell you at the end it will contuine to be in pain for 2 weeks AFTER  the treatment and it can last weeks or months ! great! 

I have a lovely dog who cheers me up no end. when im feeling moody we head off to the park or woods or i get the hose pipe on him which he loves. I just need little burts of happiness in my life to remind me how lucky i am. But totally understand when it comes to moods you literly cannot help it and can see yourself being like it.

PS when i get moody I have a new place down my lane, i take my fone and a cuppa tea and I walk out of the house away from the kids and dog !

Suzie. x

Chelle I go back on my Tamoxifen after now ( 10 years!!) after completing the radio T for 3 weeks. I cried on the day I had to take it again, I had been on it only 3 weeks prior then told to stop for radio T. First time taking it most horendious head aches but nothing atm but then its only been 2 days !

I feel we can blame the drugs or it might just be struggling living with the fear of cancer returning. Thats where I am atm. I feel like all my friends are busy enjoying themselves having a life with new partners etc ( sex life ! god whats that !!)  and i feel like im on a bubble on the outside looking in. My moods have been terrible since i was told the bomb shell 6 months ago and I get into real rages over stupid things. I think its just the stress of everything.

I feel like I want to put this whole Breast cancer thing in the back of my mind but I feel as if i have to live with it for the rest of my life. Mostly fear. I am not one of these " fihghters" who wants to run a marathon or shout it from the roof tops of Facebook ! infact i got really *** off when my ex hubband told me a plumber guy locally who i cant stand and his gf  RANG HIM UP to see if the rumor was true about me ! I hate people talking behind my back. Omg is it terminal, poor kids, did she loose her breast.  NO luckly at present its not terminal and i had a lumpectomy and radiation which im struggling with atm. they tell you at the end it will contuine to be in pain for 2 weeks AFTER  the treatment and it can last weeks or months ! great! 

I have a lovely dog who cheers me up no end. when im feeling moody we head off to the park or woods or i get the hose pipe on him which he loves. I just need little burts of happiness in my life to remind me how lucky i am. But totally understand when it comes to moods you literly cannot help it and can see yourself being like it.

PS when i get moody I have a new place down my lane, i take my fone and a cuppa tea and I walk out of the house away from the kids and dog !

Suzie. x

HI Ness, Just back from a lush walk with my dog, have lots of open space here and woods and fields so glad i can just walk out the door with my doggie handbag i call it, armed with fone, poo bags lol drinks for me and my dog and just chill the F*** out lol. I only came home because my daughter was on way home.

My personel life has been pretty much non excisitant before B/c for last 5 years so nothing new here. In a way i feel by not being still  married or in a relationship i have not had that added pressure to get  back on the horse so to speak ! On the other hand now I am past the surgery and radio T even thou its only been a few days since Radio T ended i am knackered but im bloody out sat night ! I wana feel a bit normal for a few hours. In the back of my mind I will be worrying about drinking or NOT DRINKING then seeming boring compared to my friends or quiet and introverted.

I have found the sweats embarrasing but as i said I am perrimeno for a year and half so i cant blame it on the Tamoxifen ( yet) I hope they dont make it worst I am boiling from the inside out how can anyone live like this ? I am going around in a nightie at home I cant bear to wear clothes ! unless v light weight and when i do i am a bag of sweat come home straight in the shower cos i think im going to smell of BO !

I really hope I don't get the aches. Im 45 I love my walking and gardening. But i already feel my energy levels wont be as they was. God a few years ago id be lifting heavy stones in the garden, I went to the gym !

I am seeing the breast care nurse oct 5th and I think shes refering me to a counciller... Might help. I feel sometimes family and friends dont really want to hear it. its like ohh you will be fine ! and I think no actually im not fine !

Are you still with your husband ? We split up 8 years ago and I have to say its been hard especially not having a new guy all that time and hes obv had someone. It was quite a shock that he never offered one lift to hospital. one pick up after the infection. I went into surgery with my mum and son but woke up alone... He never asked me about one session of radio T even thought i talked to him about it. Its like the last 20 years ment nothing he simply switched off all feeling or care- that hurt big time. I cheered myself up occasionally over the last 6 months by buying something with his money haha. Went to a pub once and said to my friend cheers and said it was on him. its silly and little but it made us laugh. 

Dont even start me on my sister who couldnt wait for me to recover from RADIATION and proceeded to book a holiday to EGYPT with my MUM ( danger zone or what)  When it was supose to be me and the kids and mum then I invited my sister.

We will go away as I said to my mum but im just not ready, im in pain im knackered Im an emotional wreck and i want to enjoy a holiday not feel crap and weak

SOOO  as a look at me a F  off to my sister I am going on a bloody caribean cruise! with my kids and mum for 10 days in Nov. ( hopefully) had to avoid daughters bloody music concerts she would not miss them ! Not booked yet but i am going thats it ! lol

Sorry for the rant !

Why are some friends and family soooo selfish ? they have what we thought we had untill  "C" hit us.

their health..... when i look back now My mum used to toast to  health and happiness, I never really knew what it ment till now, unless you have health I dont think you can be truly happy.

All the well meaning words of encourangement from Nurses and Family and Friends " You be ok" " you can beat this" " your cancer free" " you caught it early " falls on deaf ears to me ( at the moment) I am still terrifed of whats going on inside my body I cant see and a yearly mammogram seems too long inbetween to be monitored ! 

Oh god gtg Hot flush ! On goes the fan in the kitchen ! ( good job ex still pays the leccie !) lol

Keep strong and all that S h i t lol

Suzie xx

Suzie

Thanks for your reply.You really made me giggle,your so frank but completely spot on.Don't you think it's great to talk to like minded people!? Everyone else

they just don't get it do they? 

Which brings me to family and friends AHHHHH I don't know if you feel like I do but I don't feel like anyone really gives a damn.(A few do) mostly though I think I 

could actually be dead now and they won't of noticed.You get a romantic notion that when something like this happens everyone supports you and does lovely things for you everything's taken care of and you only worry about getting better whilst being well looked after.Family nights out,sent out to dinner etc etc...NOPE DIDDLY SQUAT!!

6 months of chemo a 12,7 & 2 year old and I had to drag myself around doing everything I did before I got the diagnosis.

I still wonder when I'm being sent away for my congratulations 'trip' to relax and rejuvenate.I won't hold my breath.I sound like a cow I know but I'm slightly bitter.

I feel the same regarding my emotions it's hard to cope with the possibility of it coming back..but I have to as hard as it's been my kids keep me going.

Yes I'm still with the husband.How I don't know? Because he didn't support me at all.I don't want to paint him in a bad light because he's an amazing husband always has been and now that it's all over...ahem..he is again.

But the part where I needed him...let me tell you I've no idea how we are still married..and part of that is because he constantly told me he was going to leave me.I was called lazy...told that having a mastectomy was the easy part!! That he hated my work ethic and I should of worked through chemo...told me I didn't do enough for the family...shouted at the kids 24/7 called us names.... it was utter hell..

I'm convinced he had PTSD..because that was NOT my husband.He has always treated me like a princess.Imagine being terrified you were going to die and leave 3 kids without a mum and being told to shut up and stop feeling sorry for yourself that it's not that bad and I was liking the attention. 

I really really wish I could meet up with ladies like myself.like a fortnightly or monthly night out.There just isn't the support groups out there.

I'm still terrified of my body too I hope in time I can trust it again.It's still very early days and I suppose we must be kind to ourselfs give it time and all that. 

I've written my kids letters though you know incase...it helped a little.Think cancer has made me kinda out spoken too nothing really gazes me now.And I say what I think a little too much.

Keep walking that dog it's all very healthy and good for you.

Take care of yourself 

Ness xxx

Hey Ness Great reply but I want to re read it tomorrow and reply when im not knackered. Really need my bed now 11pm. Out tomorrow night- feeling v nervous, 2 girls are single ones ultra confident as in a relationship and other single and stunning.

I feel the " The cancer friend" ...........

I am feeling so *** about myself I am actually considering not going out and staying in with my dog. Lets celebrate the Radio T over my friend said.  Its not over, far from it. I will be too worried to drink too much and on pain killers.

I have a hot date with a sleeping pill now.

Goodnight for now x

Hi suzie

I hope you slept well last night.I think I could do with sleeping pills Im not sleep either..my oncologist says that's the last thing to get back to normal.

Sorry if my message disturbed you.

Ness x