Well I hear there is going to be a heat wave this next few days so I will be making the most of it before My first Radiation starts on Thurs.

Yes im scared. I know It does not hurt but I am worried about the side effects- especially it seems the ones that can  hit you a month or years later. I want to go on holiday at the end of the year and I have tried to explain to my sister I need to feel well. I do not want to be running to the loo all week and not be able to swim and feeling sick. Sadly I do not think she gets it. 

My even bigger fear is the drugs they want me to take for 10 years.!! TAMOXIFEN. As a non smoker non drug user non junk food women  who has led a healthy life this feels so wrong to be putting these chemicals into my body. Nothing i read about this drug seems to be positive. At this point i will mention I had a grade 2 lobular invsive  cancer and a lumpectomy.

I am greatful I never had to have a full removal ( i pref that word than the "M" word) and i escaped Chemo which was just about driving me insane waiting to know as my score was low  ( 12)  and no lymph nodes involved and margains clear.

Am I the only one who is feeling very depressed about the side effects of the above mentioned. ( more so the drugs)  possible hair thining, bones effected, eye vision, weight gain, breathing problems, sickness, changes to stomach ( i have ibs as it is)  liver damage in the future, ovarian cancer the list goes on. and then what happens after 10 years ? Will i die ? im only 45 now.... will it just magically disapear and I wont have it anymore I doubt it.

It does not help I Am going through this alone, yes i have a great mum helping me and friends and a few family. But even though I am seperated 7 years all I wanted these last 2 months was my husband by my side. I don't feel I am ever going to be with anyone now and this weekend made that feeling even more intense when yet another close friend went out dating and is madly in love! New guy spoiling her and already planning date no 2 with a meal. I can honesty say last meal i had bought for me by a guy was.... well its that long i cant even recall a time. 6 years ago maybe. I'm not one to scav off guys for meals etc but god i do miss being treated, box chocs, flowers suprises, days out. 

I don't think my friends get it, they don't understand how my last thought at night is cancer, my waking thought in the early hours is cancer, I lie in bed feeling my good breast paronoid about any lump, then i feel the deep scar and the deformed side of the lumpectomy and know I will never be that sexy sassy person I was with guys before when single and before Breast cancer. I can hide it in a bra in a dress but deep down I know...

Most days I sit up the garden and look at the sky and wonder how many years I have left and regret I never found a new man to love 7 years ago and yet everyone I know moved on but I never did.. 

What quality of life am i going to have with the side effects of these drugs in my body..... I am a keen gardener but I am so tired all the time I have 0 energy latly, even walking to the shops 10 mins away with my daughter today totally wore me out. I have so much I want to do, need to do and I hate being held back. I plan little jobs in my head.  Today i will pull up those weeds,tomorrow I will change my bedding, next day paint 6 blocks off the new fencing. I am so used to being busy and doing everything myself i find it so hard NOT  to be able to hoover the whole house in one go, cut grass, do a weeks shop paint the house etc. Maybe this is why i want a new partner, i feel I can no longer cope on my own.

I worry about finances and how I will pay to keep my roof over my head when my ex stops paying. How can i get a new job when I can barly get through the day without several sit downs.

I feel like my life has changed forever and It wont ever be the same. Sorry if this is depressing but its a bad day today. last weekend i was in london X factor ! ( very tiring but totally worth it to feel  normal for a weekend) i miss the old me...

Suzie