Hi Kitty, welcome to the forum but sorry for why you're here. I'm not surprised that you are finding it difficult and perhaps not feeling as positive as you had earlier on. I've been dealing with this now for more than 6 years and my patience is wearing pretty thin. Like you, I have lung cancer X 3, colon cancer, cancer of the ureter, bladder cancer X several times and ongoing. I have had so many surgeries that I've lost count. People keep telling me, "oh you are so strong and staying positive is working for you" huh? I've never heard of being positive curing cancer, have you? Its' just a constant uphill climb to try and stay alive and it does wear us down after awhile.

Once diagnosed with cancer, we're never free of it in my opinion and it does get tiresome. You will find so many people on here who can relate to how you feel. We give and receive support to keep us going and everyone on this forum knows how you feel, even though our cancers are different and we're all at different stages of this journey that no one wants to be on. Dealing with cancer is a full time job and it literally takes over our lives. Its' either surgery, or recovering from it, or its' treatments or recovering from them, or its' apts. for tests, scans, etc. or doctors' apts. and on it goes. People without cancer keep telling me to focus on the good things in my life! How do we do that with all these other things to attend to? But somehow we always manage to keep trucking. Being on this forum has been a tremendous help for me. Giving and receiving support from other cancer patients goes a long way in reducing that sense of loneliness and isolation. Helping you, helps me.

Come back on the forum and tell us a little more about yourself and let us know how you're managing. It really helps to write this stuff down too, because it gets it out of your head and even better when someone takes the time to respond to your post..

Take care. Sending hugs.

Lorraine   

Thanks Lorraine. I'm a widow with two grown up sons and this last time they were scared they were going to loose me as well.

 I recognise the constant treatmeant/appts/scans scenario you paint only too well.  And I'm fed up with people telling me how strong and positive I am.  There are too many times recently when I haven't felt strong and positiive at all. I keep tellling myself how lucky I am to be alive when so many people get even worse outcomes and it helps.?

I don't want to upset you but you have been very brave to get through all those different cancers.  Have they found a reason why you keep getting them?   Because Drs are starting to look at me like I am lying about my history or am some sort of freak.  Different hospitals all the time and Different drs.

Can't make plans for too far in the future because I don't know if I willl get  sick again and getting travel insurance is expensive/well nigh impossible and travel is what I would like to do.How do you live a life like this?

returning hugs

Hi Kitty, I'm glad you responded. I think you will find it helpful to communicate with others on this forum as it reduces the loneliness of the daily struggle we have with a cancer diagnosis. I see that you are a widow and likely living alone, but do your sons live close by? What about them; are they married with children, and do you have other family members, friends that live close by? I have a partner who is also dealing with some health problems of his own and I had three children and several grandkids. Unfortunately, I lost my son to suicide 13 years ago. He and I were very close, but he and his family lived in another province, so I wasn't able to see him very often. I had no idea he was facing serious issues in his life, although I knew he was troubled in his marriage. My two daughters are estranged from me and also were with my son, because 20 years ago, I left their father. My son tried to tell them that my issues with their father was none of their business, so they stopped talking to him too???  They also prevented me from seeing, at that time, their young children, so I have no contact with them either. When my son died, his two children were just young and they were put in my legal custody because their mother was unable to properly care for them. They are now in their twenties and I have a great granddaughter. I am very close to them. I also have some very close friends who are supportive emotionally, however, none of them have ever had to deal with a serious illness like cancer. So that pretty much sums up the picture of my life. Sorry for rambling.

As for my cancers, 6 years ago, I was diagnosed with colon cancer and I had a resection. The surgeon thought he got it all, but there were cancer cells in my lymph nodes and they spread to my lung. I had two major lung surgeries, but now the cancer is back again in my lung. I can't have any more surgery, so I am being treated with radiation. In the meantime, I had a large tumor in my ureter tube so had major surgery to replace that tube. Around the same time, I was diagnosed with bladder cancer and have had several surgeries for that. So far, I still have my bladder, so thankful for small mercies?? Having been through all of that, even the doctors tell me I look like I haven't had a sick day in my life!!! I feel it though.

So that's pretty much my life in a nut shell. It isn't fun a lot of the time, but right now I'm having a bit of a break from all the medical  stuff until around the middle of May. I can't do much though, other than relish the fact that I don't have to rush off to some apt. During these down times, I try and re-charge my batteries by doing things I enjoy like reading, spending time with my dog, and enjoying my beautiful great-granddaughter and her Mom. I also try to spend some time with my friends. Along with all of that, I have to help my partner with his medical apts. and issues. Sometimes I engage in a little self-pity because I would like to be able, at this stage in my life to travel and do some of the things my healthy friends are able to do, but then I give my head a shake and try to focus on some of the good things I have in my life. Lke you, I also have my times for getting angry because I don't feel I deserve this deal that's been handed to me, but then, does anyone deserve this? So if not me, then who?

I hope you are able to find support on this forum with many others who are dealing with very similar issues. On here, we can say whatever is on our mind, (other than profanity) because we are anonymous. No one knows us which gives us the freedom to express how we feel. Often when we communicate to others going through very similar experiences, we don't feel so isolated with our challenges, even though its' only virtual.

Take care of yourself and sending you more hugs.

Lorraine