Just a bit about me. I'm 31 years old currently. I was diagnosed in 2014 at 29 as having a really rare cancer - appendiceal cancer. I've had 2 major abdominal surgeries both in 2014 and 2015, and am scheduled to be opened up AGAIN in a few months. Devastated doesn't even begin to cover it. Depression doesn't do it justice either. I am scared that they will have to keep removing organs from me and I will eventually die young. 

It all started in February 2014 with a bad abdominal infection. Was sent to the ER where they put a drain tube in my belly to remove the infectious liquid that was making my abdomen swell. Then I was scheduled for a routine laparascopic appendectomy in 3 months once the swelling went down.

May 2014 came and they went in laparascopically, only to find a large 10 cm tumor that had been hiding underneath the infection. The tumor was attached to several things, so they removed my appendix of course, half of my colon, my right ovary and tube, and shaved off bits of my uterus and bladder.. The incision went from my belly button all the way down to my pubic region. For never having a surgery in my life, that was really traumatic for me, and I am such a hard stick that it took 3 anesthesiologists, 2 nurses, a doctor, and 14 sticks in both of my arms, hands, and my foot just to knock me out for surgery! Not to mention my poop has NEVER been the same since. Nightmare fuel...

So over the following months I healed and we thought things were going well. The first 3 month scan was clear. The 6 month scan came back with a 7 cm tumor. 2 months later the tumor had grown to 10 cm and was surrounding my remaining ovary. I was bounced around to several different surgeons and oncologists and my case discussed with 3 hospital tumor boards before they settled on an even more invasive and aggressive procedure called the HIPEC. This time I was hospitaled in March 2015, and the incision went from 4 inches above my belly button back all the way down over my old incision. The HIPEC is a general debulking surgery combined with 90 minutes of hot chemo "bathing" my abdomen. Also post surgery, turns out the 10 hour surgery ended up damaging a nerve in my left leg so it was completely numb on the inside from ankle to thigh and I could not walk. So not only had to heal from major surgery again, but also had months of physical therapy afterwards so I could walk again (although my thigh is still numb). In that surgery they also removed my remaining ovary and tube. 

So again, we thought things were going well. I mean, they did the newest, most aggressive surgical procedure they knew of. 3 month scan was clean. 6 month scan shattered all my high hopes. The cancer was back and is now around my spleen, and in between my uterus and bladder. So in December 2015, they began chemo on me. They want to do 4 cycles, then do another scan to see where it's at. The oncologist said the success rate of the chemo for my cancer is only 35%!! but said if we do nothing, of course it will grow and become fatal. Then in a few more months, they will wean me off the chemo and do yet another HIPEC and remove my spleen, and possibly my uterus. So another major, horrible, terrifying surgery and recovery.

So here I am, going through chemo and a lot of its horrendous side effects. my fingers are tingling now as I type this.

Also a bit more history, my beloved dad passed away right before my 24th birthday, and my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and dementia shortly after (she's now in a nursing home and doesn't know who I am or that her youngest daughter has been fighting cancer the past couple of years). My sister and my husband are all I have on this earth that are making me want to try to keep living somehow.

I guess my issue is just this: how much is one person supposed to endure? Am I being punished for something? it may sound silly but I have thoughts like this swirling around my head all the time. I've been to a therapist and I am already on an anti-depressant. But i just still am having trouble dealing with all this. I've been going through all the stages of grief - anger mostly - but I just can't get to acceptance yet. it's just so unfair.