I'm still waiting for confirmation but I believe my breast cancer has now spread to my liver. I know exactly what you mean about the thoughts always being there or not far away.  And its not only the days that are difficult but the nights too.  So far we've managed without it impacting too much on the family - even in the midst of all my chemo and radiotherapy etc, my eldest got into college, my daughter passed her A levels and has now gone off to college, and my youngest started at high school (Year 9).  People, even children, have more strength and resilience than we give them credit for I think.  But like you, I struggle to stop my mind from wandering to a point where the family is now coping without me.  But I believe they will cope because in the end, there is no choice.  And that is how you and I are coping now.  In amongst the tears and sleepness nights, we just get on with it 'cos that's what we need to do.  

It is so hard because its so unfair.  This is not what we had planned.  But Fiona is right - hard though it may be, acceptance is important.  I saw a 'poster' on facebook last night which I found really helpful.  It said:  "Your peace is more important than driving yourself crazy trying to understand why something happened the way it did.  Let it go".  I haven't had an attitude transplant since seeing it, but its brought it home to me that this is what I need to do.  Making ourselves ill from worry is not going to help at all.  You are still going strong and I'm sure your love and determination for your family helps you to do so.  Somebody on here the other day wrote about a friend who was still going strong 20 years after a terminal diagnosis.  It can be done!  I hope I manage as well as you have or as well as that other person.  

Like Fiona, I swing from positive (and busy enough to forget all about it) to scared of what the future will bring (and then I have to pull myself together because it would be so easy, once the tears come to drown completely in them).   I've read so many stories on here, and so many folks talk about this rollercoaster (I don't think I really understood what people meant by that until now).  It's normal and I think its okay not to be strong all the time.  Even realising that is helpful I think.  

Wishing you all the best. xx