In a bad place.

First of all I want to say thank you Brian for your kind words on the thread that Ghost posted. It is nice to be thought about and after those brief posts I decided to follow my own advice and write about the bad place I feel I am in right now.

As some will know I have lost many friends and loved ones to cancer over the years with last year being the worst.  It was difficult watching my Dad get sicker but I feel I was actually dealing with things relatively well and even after he died in May I have coped about as well as anyone could expect although I still do mourn him because I miss him so much.  Unfortunately my Aunty died last November and it feels like her passing was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Ever since I feel like a fundementally different person!

I don't just have less patience I am actually just plain angry a lot of the time.  I look at things differently in a way that nothing seems all that important and I find it hard to put in the full effort to work and things in general that I have always given in the past.  My mind is constantly full of thoughts and feelings that will not go away no matter how I try to reason with them or sort them out in my head. I just feel different and what scares me the most is that because of my state of mind I feel differently about the the one person who has given me such great support through everything - my wife. She is such a wonderful person and has done nothing to deserve ending up with me not being the same person she married.  My Mum said a couple of years ago that "grief does funny things to people" and she was speaking from experience although I didn't fully appreciate what she meant at the time.

I have tried to concentrate on the positives in my life, of which there are many but it seems to make no difference.  Even when I read what difficult times others are going through, Beaker83 for instance, I feel guilty for wallowing in my own selfish thoughts when others are are so much worse off but even then I just revert back to my own petty problems and wrap myself back up in self pity.

Hopefully I may feel a little better for writing this and let me just thank you for reading.

Take care everyone.

Garf. 

Parents
  • Hi Garf,

    Just wanted to drop you a post to say you're never far from my thoughts and I hope you're doing ok?  (No, I'm not a weird stalker!   )

    I think about so many folks on here and the things they're all dealing with on a day to day basis.

    Am I right in thinking you've got next week off? Or was it last week?

    Either way, if it was last week, hope you had plenty of R and R . . . And if it's next week, hope you get lots of R and R!

    Also remember that one of the R's could stand for Retail !! 

    Sure your wife would like that one

    Hugs to you and your wife, Jo xx

  • Hi Jo,

    Thank you so much, I am touched that I am in your thoughts and I promise I don't think you are a stalker

    I am off next week for some much needed R and R and to be honest with the back log of motor racing I have to watch and the golf game on Wednesday I simply won't have time for any retail you-know-what.  It's hard to fit anything else in while I am spending so much time doing absolutely nothing.  I have actually been feeling a little more like myself the last few days since speaking to my councillor on Tuesday but I have no idea whether I am sorting anything out or just going through a good patch, I am just making the most of it for as long as it lasts.

    Thanks for the hugs and I send a whole bunch right back to you.

    Have a great weekend and don't spend too much .

    Garf. xx

  • Hi Garf,

    Like Brian, I wanted to send you my condolences on the sad news about your aunty. She sounded a remarkable lady. I admire anyone with a musical talent! Such a gift and how wonderful that she was able to share her talents with so many.

    I hope you're ok Garf. You haven't posted for a while and I often think about you (my in-built stalker instinct!)

    Take care, sending you a hug, Jo xx

  • Bless you Jo and thank you,especially for the hug!

    As much as I still keep a regular eye on this site and the wonderful people here I find it, for the most part difficult to offer any kind of useful help or advice when my mind just "isn't in the game."  I have hopefully been able to help Candy as she is someone I could immediately sympathize with and I keep in regular contact with Jules. Other than the fact that my state of mind seemed to reach a steady plateau a while ago and it doesn't seem to be improving any more I am feeling far from the bottom of that well I was in so am just clinging to that for now.

    In the meantime my friend, Sarah seems to be doing pretty well and she is very up-beat after finishing her three week chemo and radio course.  She now has to go to the Wirral for three weeks for more treatment but I don't really know what that entails but I do know she will be very upset if she misses any of the Formula 1 while she is away.

    How is my favourite stalker keeping these days?  Are you still having to undergo more treatment to "zap the blighters"?

    Sending best wishes and hugs by return mail!

    Garf. xx  

  • Hi Garf,

    Thought I'd reply before I head off to bed with a cuppa and bedtime book!

    I know what you mean about keeping an eye on the forum folk, but not always responding. I have joked with Jules about being a reader and not a responder! Sometimes I read posts and know that I can't offer any practical advice or support, so I hold back on hitting the reply button. But sometimes, I can't resist sticking my oar in

    I'm glad you're not feeling as low as you were a little while back, Garf.

    The news about your friend Sarah sounds positive. I hope she doesn't miss any of the F1 - it's not a sport that interests me, but my stepdad is really into it and was able to see some of it in Australia last weekend! (He's on a Bucket List holiday!)

    He said the new engines made the F1 experience a very different one indeed! Maybe not for the better!

    With regard to my treatment, I'm currently playing the waiting game! I'm due to have a scan on my liver in April and then my next treatment can be planned! A few of the pesky blighters decided to set up camp in my liver, but hopefully, the surgeon can come up with a successful eviction order, in due course!

    Well, the eyelids are drooping, the sentences are becoming non-sensical (no change there then!) so I'll admit defeat and head up to bed!

    Take care, Garf. And thanks for the hugs! Jo xx

  • Hi everyone,

    I just wanted to quicly update this thread to say that my friend from North Wales with cervical cancer has been told, after her intense treatment, that she is in remission!

    This has been the best news to come for a while and I am absolutely thrilled for her and both my wife and I can't wait to give her a hug when we go to visit my family in August.  Unfortunately it is still tinged with sadness at Jo's (meerkat) recent bombshell.  It is so unfair that someone who has been fighting for so long and had a light at the end of the tunnel was told that the light was in fact an oncomming train.  How much more needs to be done to get rid of this damn disease once and for all?

    Anyway this was just a quick update so take care everyone and Jo, if you happen to be reading this, my thoughts, best wishes and hugs are with you. x

    Garf.

  • Morning Garf

    Was good to read the good news about your friend and hope  you will have a great get together in August whilst you are visiting family.  Would also add my good wishes with regards to Jo and I am sure she is aware that all her virtual buddies are keeping her in their thoughts following her recent disappointing news. Big Hugs  Jules x

  • Hi Garf

    Great news about your friend.  Good news is always so welcome.  Hope the weather is good for your trip in August.  Although I am sure it will be a lovely trip anyway seeing family and your friend it always seems nicer when the sun shines.

    Jo

    Fingers crossed for you.

    Gill

  • Hi Garf,

    I am pleased to read about your friends good news, and have to say, you yourself have certainly been due for some. It is quite surprising how things like this make us feel so much better.

    But as you say, the good news is watered down by Jo's bad news. She has always shown such a great sense of humour and once told me she thought the N H S should bottle me and prescribe me as a mood enhancer. Not sure I want to be liquidised but appreciated her comment.

    Take care Garf and hope to chat again soon, Brian.

  • Thank you Gill,

    It would be a pleasant change if the sun happens to be shining in Wales in August but as you say it will be nice to see family and friends anyway.  I am hoping the weather will be good although I have yet to mention to my wife that my golf clubs will take up significant luggage space in the car.  That's a bridge to be crossed closer to the time.

    Brian, I love Jo's comment about bottling you up as a mood enhancer but obviously that wouldn't work - what with all the people who suffer nut allergies these days.

    Thank you both.

    Garf.

  • Hi Garf

    Now come on. if your wife needs to take all her bits and bobs (never met a woman who didn't) then you need room for your sports equipment.  Oh yes, I have had sunshine in Wales (many moons ago though!!).  Hope you got a game this weekend (I have spent all day in the back garden (hubby spent most of it asleep in front of the tv!).  We are now both on our laptops with 20/20 cricket on the tv so hopefully a pleasant evening over roast lamb to come!! Will reply to PM soon when have gathered my little grey cells.  In the meantime have a good week (day at a time remember).  Hugs from Jules (semi-stalker!!)

  • Hi Garf,

    Havent seen your name crop up on here for a while and just wondered how you are keeping. Hope you are okay.

    Best wishes, Brian

Reply Children
  • Hi Brian,

    So sorry for being more than a little tardy with this response but with the way things have been in recent months I have severely neglected the site and everybody who uses it.  I hope you and Mrs Brian are well and how is your Dad doing?  Last time we spoke I seem to remember he wasn't that well?

    I promise to try not to be such a stranger in the future, work and demons permitting.

    All the best to you Brian,

    Garf.

    ----------------------------

    Jo if you are reading this I will be in touch soon and I am so touched that you said you think of me often,  I have worried about you too and have little excuse for being so quiet lately.

    Take care my stalker

    Garf. xx

  • Hi Garf,

    You have no need to apologise at all. It's just that not having seen your name on here for a while I was a little concerned.

    Dad is home now although very weak and spoke to him on the phone a few days ago, something I didn't think I would ever be able to do again the way he was when in hospital. It looked vary bad for him. But he is a fighter and doesn't give up thank god. So proud of him.

    You take care of yourself Garf, best wishes, Brian.

  • Hi Garf,

    It's great to see your name come up again. I had a pm from your personal stalker the other day(Jo) and she mentioned that she looks out for you.

    I hope life hasn't been treating you badly even if it has treated you busily. ( I know that feeling , lol ) .

    I have noticed that the site goes a little quiet from time to time from those that have been on here for a couple of years.

    The real question is where does time go???

    Anyway this is one of two days off for me and I had better get on with todays project which is one particulr area of the garden before the weather changes.

    Take care Garf

    lots of good wishes

    Annabel. xx

  • Hi Garf

    Promise I will pm back soon but have a few issues 'indoors' today to get sorted before I can give full attention to my 'in box' .  Good to see your forum buddies are rallying behind you and rest assured you are in my thoughts as well. Look after yourself and hope weather holds for the sport/exercise.  Hubby currently struggling to stay awake through final free practice so may  have to give him a nudge for qualifying.  Best regards  Jules x

  • It's good to see your name too Annabel and I also wonder where the time goes!

    I was talking to friend at work about her Dad who had been diagnosed with cancer but is now fine after treatment.  I couldn't believe that it has been a year since his operation but then when this "where does the time go" feeling comes over me I remember my brother-in-law's theory.  When we were two years old, one year is exactly half your life however when we get to, say fifty then one year is a fiftieth of your life.  Sorry I may have just depressed the entire cancer chat community with that one.

    Anyway I am going to clear off now so don't work too hard during your days off -- I know I wont!

    xxx

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    Thanks for that Jules,

    Have to admit that I missed practice 3 myself as we went to B&Q to buy a replacement outside wall light that got broken when the wind blew the back door open and it knocked the old one off the wall. Ah the joys of being a home owner!

    Anyway no rush just message when you are able and like Annabel don't work too hard although telling you that may be a fruitless use of my finger tips.

    Please take care.

    Garf. xx

  • Hi Brian,

    You told me not to appologise and so I start this message by saying I am sorry!

    So sorry that you reached a point where you thought you would never speak to your Dad again and so I am happy for you that his fighting spirit has kept him with you and you are still able to talk to him.  I remember the last time I spoke to my Dad which was a little strange as, because of a particularly bad turn he had a couple of days before he died his accent had actually changed.  I don't know why but I could tell from speaking to him that he was getting increasingly frustrated as I had to get him to repeat himself a couple of times.  I don't know if he realized at the time how near the end he was - I hope not!

    Anyway best wishes to you and your good lady wife Brian and as I said I will try not to stay away for so long.

    Garf.

  • Hi everyone,

    After figuring out how to re-navigate the site -(you wouldn't believe I am on a computer course would you?) - I have found this thread I started to update with some sad news I got this morning.

    My Brother-in-law in North Wales lost his Father to cancer yesterday evening.  I knew Len very well as I used to work for him in his building company but also cutting Christmas trees every year for about sixteen years.  He was a good and kind man with a mischievous sense of humour.  He used to try and often succeed in embarrassing me on many occasions.

    He will be missed greatly and it also means that my three nieces have now lost both their Grandfathers to cancer.

    Take care everyone!

    Garf.

  • Morning Garf

    Was sad to read your latest piece of family news.  Always brings back lots of memories (hopefully good ones) of how much people mean to you. I only ever had one nan (rarely seen) as my other grandparents were dead before I was born.  Always grateful that my own children had my Dad around until six years ago (hubby's parents were older when they had their kids and his Dad died the year before our first child was born though his Mum lived till our daughter was 10 (she was the best Mother in Law I could have had).  My nan died when I was 18 but I had never really known her that well (might explain why my Mum's character is distant too).  I am sure your brother in law will appreciate your support just now.  Jules x  p.s. glad  you have found your way back to the forum.

  • Hi Garf,

    Really sorry to read your post about your brother in law's dad. I hope you can draw on all the good memories that you have about him to get you through this terribly sad time.

    Take care, Garf.

    Thinking about you and sending hugs, Jo xx

  • Hi Garf,

    I too like Jo and Jules am sorry to read about the loss of another of your relatives to cancer. It does seem to me that some families are badly affected by cancer.

    I know all to well how this feels having lost my mother, grandmother an aunt, mother in law and two step mothers all to this evil disease.

    Sending kind thoughts and best wishes, Brian.