hi im 36 mother of 3 n diagnosed dec 23. ive had 2 ops n 5 of 6 chemo n finding it very hard at mo. feel so peed off n cant get rid of that feeling. would love to chat. x
had 1st week of radio n not been feeling too good. had a bad day yesterday n cried most of the night. so annoyed n fustrated cos i didnt think it would make much difference to how i feel. feels like ive gone back a few weeks. been really tired gum is flaring up feeling quite weak n my arm has been killing. its so lonely being ill dont you think? i went on face book to look up some old friends n dont think that helped. everyone looks so nice n healthy n i wonder where my life has gone.
i went through years of depression after leaving boys dad. lived in germany for 5 unhappy years with him n lost touch with nearly all my friends. when i came back i was 6 n half stone n a mess. stuggled for years to get my life back to normal but had no confidence n it was a long process. then when i met jon i had so much fun n felt so happy life was really good. i had met the love of my life. we had bits that werent great like some lad crashing into us whilst i was 5 n half months pregnant n then finding out he wasnt insured. had black eyes for about 2 months which isnt a good look n didnt like going out(older people crossing the road to avoid me etc). then had my little charly n again suffered depression. we all loved charly so much n it really bonded us into a proper family n boys didnt see the 'step' side anymore. they just wished jon was their real dad(which he turned out to be). then when charly was getting to an age where i could consider going to work cancer hit us right in the face.
i know life isnt fair n when i heard the news i just thought its just my luck. it was like i knew something would happen to me, n in some way like i deserved it. i know thats not true, nobody deserves cancer but i was so calm about it all. just so glad it was me n not my kids husband n my lovely family. i knew i would cope with being ill n dont think i would if it was one of them n i stand by that still today. i was more worried about my family n how they would cope. being a carer is probably the hardest job of all when its a loved one. my poor mum lost her mum when she was 10 to breast cancer n then her daughter gets it, its been so hard for my parents. n jon of course having to look after me the love of his life, the boys n a little one with no experience. its only sometimes when i think about myself i realise how unfair it is. theres been so many mountains to get over, this being the highist one of all. n right now im sick of it.
i want to look nice again, i want to be healthy enough to look after my family again n i want my relationship(intimacy n all) back to how it was before my husband turned into my carer. im so fed up of having no money each week, no nice times or special moments n our days being taken up with hospital apps n how im feeling. theres one thing cancer teaches you, life is for living n thats what i want to do n be like. i just want to be normal again. im sorry im writing this but you cant always be strong n positive.
dont get me wrong i dont feel like this very often n have still had happy times n laughed my head off. its not all been bad. but those horrible side affects have taken there toll on me. i still feel sick, still have that disgusting taste, still have sores up my nose(no where near as bad) still painfull to walk, still cant drive etc......but i do know the end is in sight. just feels like a long way off today. we all have our different stories, n heres a bit of mine.
feel better now i have got a few things off my chest. i hope i havent upset anyone, times are hard enough. thinking of you all n wishing you all well.
No Leonie,you havent upset anyone but we are all upset for you.I had hoped that the radio would not be too bad for you,you have already had more than your fair share of side effects as it is.You havent had a mountain to climb,you have had a whole mountain range !!
You will look healthy again sweetheart and look back and think "How did I ever get through that "But you will.
My daughter,now 27,was looking through photos of when she was younger and we went to Spain,she could not remember it, when we went to Center Parks,only a little recollection and other holidays and days out which she could barely remember .But she said she could always remember how she used to love it when we went to the school field and had a picnic and we would run around and play ball. !!out of it all she remembers the free simple pleasures.So dont worry too much about your children,they will enjoy anything as long as you are all there.We worry far more about these things than they do.
The end of your treatment is still in the distance but you will be there one day ,then it will be loads of healthy food and fresh air and looking forward to being the family you want to be.It WILL come Leonie,honest.That horrible waiting again !!
I hope you will soon feel more positive.We are all thinking of you and wishing you well
Hi Leonie it is very lonely going throught this even when your partner is there by your side, we all have off days where we feel so low and nothing anyone says or does helps the way we are feeling and reading what youve just written I think you have been through more than most, you have had a tough time and with a young family to look after, I only have myself to drag out of bed in the mornings as my girls are adults so I dont need to use up energy running after them and John is brill so no need to look after him, he's more than capable. I know what you mean about getting your life back, I'd love to get dressed up and say lets go out for dinner and a few drinks and a wee dance, but I just dont have the energy and I think that will take a while to come back and the poor boys have to put up with us lol, the intimacy is something that will be fine im sure you guys are strong enough to cope with that, it isnt for ever, if your Jon is like my John he'll be patient and wait until your ready. Just remember babe this is just bad luck, nothing you've done wrong, these things are sent to make us stronger people. Put your feet up and chill out and try and relax. If you want to email me and I dont know if this will come up but i'll try and put it a way you will understand if you get my drift? if not just post on here. colettejameson at the hotstuff co uk does that make sense lol. Speak soon Col x
Hi I was diagonsed in December 2009 for breast cancer and have 2 ops and completed 6 chemo treatments now awaiting to start my 15 radiotheraphy sessions then hopefully will be able to think about retuning to my job again. We all have our down days but remain positive. My biggest joy at the moment is watching my hair return although very slow and I'm feeling so much better now my chemo finished in May that was hard to endure but we get there. keep your chin up think of your little ones take care wendy xx
We are all here for the good and the bad times - I used to (still do) come on here when I don't want to upset my wife and 15 year old with my deepest darkest fears and there is always several people that know exactly how I feel and give me the necessary kick up the backside or cyber hug that I need.
My wife was my carer and sometimes it felt bad that she looked after me when I should be looking after her (I am not being sexist just she is my rock and always want to look after and protect her) - we remembered our wedding vows, richer or poorer, through sickness and in health. Whilst I am all better for now, I will never forget the last 8 months and see them as both the worst and best 8 months of my life....I have spent 2 months in hospital in the last 8 months and Fran visited me every day and learnt how to change dressings and drips when I came out.
Life is tough at times, I love the saying 'if life gives us lemons then make lemonade' - we adapted quite a bit and whilst I had a few tantrums and arguments we got through it...I am now making myself better than I was before, stronger, faster and healthier (for all those under 45 you may remember that quote from the 6 million dollar man ) If and when this cancer returns I will be in a peak physical shape in order to fight it again!
You are beautiful and look nice, maybe you look different, but you still have your spirit burning away inside you....have those bad and dark moments they are all part of the journey we are all having, as long as you come on here like you just did, write about them and feel better.
We are here as one big group of smiling faces so I will not just give you one of my hugs but urge everyone to join arms and give you a great big group hug <<<>>>.
feeling better today. had a day in the garden with sunshine n family visits. priceless! arm is feeling better too. thought i'd write a quick post n have a glass of wine in the garden til the sun dissappears.
luckily it was only a few days down n now i feel ready for the next week. got my meds on thursday aswell. got some family down from leicester so planning to spend a bit of time with them. cousins that i havent seen for years. wish i looked better but they all know im ill n think thats why they are coming. its cheering me up n sure thats the idea.
im not feeling negative, just not looking forward to more treatment n meds. february seems so far away. i know you all understand, n care, thats the most wonderfull part of our community. we are able to understand.
thanks again you gorgeous ones, im off to have that wine n sunshine! cheers!
Sorry to hear that you have been feeling down, it really does all get a bit much sometimes doesn't it. Have been back to my pamper days at the hospice so that has cheered me up a bit. They really do listen to you there. They sorted out some gel for my radiation burns, which isn't sore anymore but peeling like mad now.
Went to the GP Tuesday to get another sicknote certificate, was sure I was going to have to perhaps convince her that I wasn't ready to return to work, so was gobsmack when she gave me one for 3 months, am one happy bunny at the moment.
At last my grandaughter has made her appearance 12 days late 8 lb 11 with a mop of jet black hair.hope you are all OK and you are surviving the hols Leonie.Glad you are coping with the radio Patricia. Hello to everyone else.
Congratulations Granny how wonderful bet you will spoil her to bits - I count being a Granny one of the best things that ever happenned to me in my life. I have 3 wonderful grandsons but would just adore a grandaughter - its my daughter who has the sons so I'm hoping one day my son will present me with a grandaughter
