hi i have cervical cancer and had it 3 years i cant have a opp its to dangerous i am down at moment and know how you feel my family keep tellin me t be positive i am trying but its hard i just want to get up and feel happy again your not on your own these people on this site all have probs i hope u feel better soon i have upped my antidepressants if that was it takes to feel better hope they help .

Hi all you people, it's me again. Just want to say a big thank you to Rosie who encouraged me when I came in on this a few weeks ago. And thank you to Shents also. I listened to your song and it was really poignant, in fact I listened several times and hope to downloard it somehow, although I'm not very teckie on those things.

Since I last wrote, I've done a fair bit of thinking on the things I wrote to all those who suffer. In my heart I meant well. However, I do hope what I wrote did not come over as condescending or patronising in any way. If it did, then please forgive.

I have noticed something lately which I want to share with you all. Encouragement is the one gift each of us has that can go a long way in uplifting not only everyone else, but ourselves also.

Have you noticed that when you are sick from the last attack of chemo; low in the 'down-time'; when the greatest enemy - fear - grips hold of you; have you noticed that when you encourage someone else in the same boat; when you get alongside someone else who suffers - you begin to feel brighter? It's like, by encouranging others, this brings you hope, it helps you to stand firm in the fight.

When soldiers go into battle, individually they are afraid. Afraid of pain, death, injury and what is ahead. But when they stand together, encouraging each other to stand firm, they are stronger. So I believe it is when fighting this enemy.

When I read all your messages, I can feel that united army of fighters and I salute you! Don't give in to the pain and fear, keep that encouragement flowing between you.

MayGod's peace be yours and may good health and restoration be the prize.

Wini

Hi Wini,

Lovely to hear from you again.You are sooooo right about encouraging others lifts our spirits.When someone says thank you for replying i always think ,no thank you for letting me.This forum has helped me so much and meeting all the lovely people here has made such a difference.So thank you Wini.

How are you coping now?I am still plodding along on the trial,2 years on and fingers crossed it will continue.!!So many good things on the horizon ,lets hope we can soon say goodbye to this horrible thing.

Stay safe

Rose xx

Hi Rosie

Again thank you for your encouragement. I hope you are feeling a little better today? And that goes for everyone else reading through. Best wishes. Wini

Hey Kentmum,

How are things with you...not heard from you on your thread for a while so wondering how YOU are.

Let us know how things are.

Much Love

Tony xxx

Hi to everyone on this post not been on for ages coz had probs with computer!!! Anyway just wondered how you are all doing!/?!

I;vebeen up and down over last few months, my partner likens it to a hangover he says we have got through all the chemo and been strong through it with a few blips but now the hangover hasset in I seem to loose it at the slightest thing and my anger is quite bad. I should also have been having a lumpectomy even though I was told medically it won't benefit me because the cancer is in the liver and bones. Anyway my bn came to see me at home the week before the op which should have been the 8th nov. she was coming to go though the ins and outs etc. When she walked in I burst into tears because I had had such a bad week. Me and Nigel were just constantly arguing about stupid things and everything seemed so bad. We had a chat and I calmed down and said something to her about the op and she gave me a look and I knew something was wrong. She said the op was having to be postponed coz my preop scan had shown a change in my liver that appeared to be a growth!! OMG this just made the black cloud that bit bigger and the montain harder to climb. All I kept thinking was that I had only  not been having chemo for a month AND IF it had grown in that short space of time theres no hope for me coz can't live on chemo for ever!!!!!My consultant hadn't seen the scans because he haD been on holiday so an appointment was made for me to see him on the Wednesday.

My nurse is so lovely and she said she had been dreading coming but if she had phoned to say she wasn't and to go and see cons weds I would have known a problem. She was in a no win situation.

Wel when we saw th consultant all our panicking and fright were stopped because he said he wasn't worried about the change he didn't see it as a progression and that he was confirdent that what he is doing is going to work!!! THank God for that. I am on Tamoxifen and also having a monthly injection which is going to stop my ovaries working so no oestrogen is produced in my body coz my cancer is 'm oestrogen reeptive. I'm also having and infusion into my bones and I wondered if anyone else is having this its called Zometa and since I've had it my right leg keeps getting a pain in it. It starts in my groin and moves down my leg and although not mega painful just feels strange. I have'nt phoned to tell the hospital and my partner thinks I should. Any views on that coz I don't want to be a pain. AlsoI'm now not having surgery because I don't think I can physically or mentally cope with that at mo especially if only benefit is psychological Am I making right decision coz i do get a little twing in my breast every no and again!

So sorry to go on and on but just needed to get it off my chest. My goodness we all go through this rollercoaster of emotions and my anger is pretty bad at mo and I just feel at a lost end. I feel like I only turn to you all in times of trouble ANd I thank you all so much for letting me do that but I do think I should try to just come on just to say hi and try to encourage other s too.

Thanks for taking the time and please give me your thoghts

Take care and lots and lots of love

Louise

Hi Lou

I spoke on your other post but you have more detail here.What a rollercoaster you are on.I think you are right about the op,it would be a lot of hastle for little benefit right now.I wouldnt discount being on chemo for ever.i have been on different ones for 2 years now to contain mine as they are incureable .There are plenty of them out there to try.

Dont worry about why you come on here as long as you do,we all handle things in our own way and there is no right or wrong.

This thing stinks and there is no getting away from it but we can try to help each other through.

Stay with us Lou and let us know how you get on

Rose xxx

Dear Louise

How my heart goes out to you sweatheart. Don't be so hard on yourself about being angry. You have a right to be angry with this invasion of evil cells that have bombarded your body! However, do remember that those who love you and are closest to you, are only trying to help, in any way they feel able to help. They probably feel darn useless and of little comfort, yet they don't want to shower you with sympathy and give in to your pain and suffering. They are trying to be strong for you and help you through this, without patronising, or condescending. They love you and it pains their heart to see you suffer so.

And thank God indeed that the consultant seems unworried about what is going on in you at the moment. Try and take each day, a step at a time - a day at a time. And I double commend that it really doesn't matter how many times you visit this forum, or in what frame of mind - there are many in the same boat and together there is encouragement. Stand alone and you are weak, defenseless and without hope.

Bless you

Wini

Hi Lou, Rose, Wini, Tony and everyone who has replied to my original post

.

I haven`t been on here for a long time though I have often come on and read your posts but not been able to find the words to join in ~ I just didn`t know where to start.  I have found a great deal of comfort and support though, just reading your posts amongst each other and knowing I`m not alone.

Since my original post I have been through the chemo, lost my hair, almost lost my fingernails (recovering now), had the uncertainty of needing more ct scans before having a mastectomy.  Then 2 weeks after my surgery my  Mum became very ill.  She had just embarked on her third course of chemo for Primary Peritoneal cancer but unfortunately could not tolerate it and she passed away 3 weeks later.  Though  she was 81 she was the strongest person I have ever known a kind, sensitive, totally selfless Lady made of v strong stuff indeed.

I am totally devastated, we were extremely close, never having lived further than 15 miles apart but we were never in each others pockets either.  The devotion she showed me as a child I was able to return by looking after her as she became older.  Fiercely independant and private she still lived alone infact until 3 months ago she worked for me part time, she was my right hand man.  I miss her dreadfully and find it difficult sometimes to gather the strength I need to continue my treatment (and my work, as I`m self employed).

I can totally relate to your anger Lou, I`m angry at my  situation and I`m angry at the loss of my beautiful Mum and poor Ian gets the brunt of it at times coz like you its those little things that make you erupt!!!

Also understand your anguish about lumpectomy, I felt before mastectomy that to be offered it somehow meant they hadn`t given up on me.  Now I sometimes just feel disfigured and no more optimistic about my future so not sure what I`ve gained!  I think overall it has helped me psycologically to feel I have got rid of the original `seed`.  Plus the path on the tissue showed very few cells left in my breast after the chemo, and only one node had cells out of 12 that they took out.  It`s a difficult call.

Like you I`m oestrogen receptive, so am taking Tamoxifen ~ the night sweats are horrendous.  I wake up dripping with sweat 2/3 times a night and by the time I`ve cooled off (even in this weather!) at least half an hour has passed so I`m really missing sleep.  Are you affected with them?  I`m also having Zometa infusions think I`ve had 4 now but can`t say I`ve had any pains in legs at all Maybe you should let your BCN know if only to put your mind at rest. We all get aches and pains and twinges and its so difficult to think that theyr just normal aches and pains.  Last Thursday I started with really bad pains in my ribs, so bad I could hardly breath ~ turns out I`ve dislocated a rib!!  Didn`t even know you could!! But I was convinced it was something far more sinister.

So pleased to see all your so familiar names on here, though I wish none of us had a reason to be on here.  Though I haven`t participated very much I have been comforted by you all, you`re all so strong, thoughtful and caring and though you didn`t know it at the time you`ve all helpled me through an incredibly difficult time.  I hope to be in touch a little more regularly.

My love and best wishes to you  all

Kal

What a joy to see your message Kal! Although tinged with great sadness at the news of your mum. All our hearts join together and are with you at this time as she now sleeps without pain and in peace. Now you must put your effort into fighting your own battle sweetheart, even though I know mum must have been an inspiration to you; you have now become an inspiration to many others.

I'm sure you're reading this right now and saying to yourself: "No way. I don't feel I am. I moan a lot, cry a lot, get ticked off a lot. How can I be an inspiration to anybody?"

Well for a start, you got on this forum and forced yourself to seek out somebody to help you. That takes a lot of courage. In doing so, you have pulled together other people who felt alone, in pain and going through the same disease and treatments.

That is like the ripple in a pond. You throw a stone into still water and it sends out a ripple, that disturbs the water. On the surface, you see the ripple bringing reflections of colour and light. Yet underneath the surface fish swim and feed because the reeds now flow with the movement, releasing life to everything the ripple touches.

Think of that and see how your first plea set off a ripple throughout the internet, across the world perhaps and now the people who visit your message, gain strength and understanding, friendships and empathy, and in turn tell others who also visit but may not join the conversations. Your action has instigated hope and faith and friendships.

So you are an inspiration Kal, you are sweetheart.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, as they are with all those who visit this forum.

Wini xxbig hugxx