Dear Kate

As I am going through a similar situation at the moment, thought I should write and share my feelings with you. I read very carefully all of your posts in this thread, and I think you are an amazing person. It really takes guts to be able to face a problem like this, push your selfish feelings away and concentrate on the other persons problem. It takes loads of guts and loads of love I believe.

I met my boyfriend two months ago. He is really sweet and charming, we fell in love very quickly and could not keep ourselves away from each other. Unfortunately, very soon in the relationship (about 2 weeks after we met) he discovered that he had skin cancer (lymphoma) and a very agressive one...At that time, we talked about it, he told me that it was the second time he had to face this, since 5 years earlier the cancer appeared for the first time and it was so aggressive that he had to go through chimo for a long period of time. He told me that he suffered a lot, since the chimo was making him sick all the time but he was determined to live and he did. So, 5 years later, today that is, cancer reappears...

He was devastated and very scared...especially since he has gone through it in the past and he is terrified to live this thing again...I told him that I am there for him, I will support him as much as I could and that he could count on me...he told me that he would understand if I wanted to go away, and I told him that although we do not know each other for a long time, I will not go anywhere...for the time being the priority was to see if we could face his situation together and if there is therapy he could take...

He started a radiation therapy about a month and a half ago...Just a few weeks after our first date...Was there for him everyday, after some weeks although we were sleeping together every night, we stopped having sex since he was not in the mood...we talked about it, I told him that this is not what counts, however he said that it is really an issue...

Two months passed and we were together every single day, going out, having as much fun as we could, doing things together etc I was as supportive as I could...and tried not to show to him how worried I was...The good news was that the radiation seemed to work and the areas in the skin were eliminating...He was so happy !

Until last week, that they told him that although the areas were eliminating, a new cancer area appeared that needs radiation too. They also told him that they do not know if another one is going to appear again and again...

We spent last weekend together, trying to do some fun stuff but he was lost...So a few days ago I asked him how I can help...maybe he could show me another way...and he said that he wants to be alone...he said that he does not want to be together anymore, he wants to stay alone and think and also this everyday contact we have, creates him loads of pressure...

I was in shock...of course I knew from the very beginning that it was not going to be easy, but after spending so much time together, when he told me he does not want to see me again, it was something so shocking for me...Tried to remain calm, told him that if he really thinks this is something that will help him, then I will do it...He said that he does not know what kind of relationship we have, he said that he likes spending time with me, but we are not having sex so he does not know whether this is a friendship or a love affair...He wants to set up a frame in the relationship and he cannot. I told him that sex is not everything, and especially at a time that there is a reason for that...I said that we have been sleeping so many nights together, there is tenderness, love between us...sex does not make this relationship erotic, but so many other things...He said that he is not in the mood for love and he wants to be alone and does not want us to have contact...he does not know what will happen in the future, maybe he will meet somebody else that he would like to be with ( i really bit my tongue when I heard this...) or he does not know...

I could not persuade him. I said that I will have to do this, since this is what he wants, he hugged me and said 'we ll talk' and I told him to call me whenever he wants and I cannot stop caring about him, just because he wants me to go away...

This happened last Sunday...yesterday night I texted him...I told him that I am there for him, that there is no reason setting frames in the relationship because nobody knows how a relationship forms within time. My feelings are not affected whether we are having sex or not and of course I want to stand by him. This is how i feel and this is what I wanted to tell him...

He answered 'you are right, there are no forms in a relationship. Sweet dreams...'

Today I texted 'good morning' just before he goes for his radiation, but he never answered back...

The thing is, I really do not know what to do. I want to call, to see how things went with the new radiation, to talk to him, I want to see him. It is very hard, since we had contacts everyday...now we have not talked for three days...

However, he told me to stay away...he wants to be alone...I should respect that, and stay away...I am thinking if I keep up texting, maybe he will be annoyed...I do not know...each person is different...but I do not want to stop caring...

I want to be there for him, but I do not know how...I guess there is no recipe...Love will show the way...or not...

I hope you are keeping on well and you are still brave and wonderful with your boyfriend....I really can understand your feelings...I pray for you and I wish you all the best....

HI. Just wanted to say how much I share your confusion at being pushed away. My partner of 22 years has just had his first all clear scan after a really terrible year of bowel cancer treatment but instead of sharing relief he has developed an absolute rage and hatred for me. He tells me all the time that I will never understand what he has been through but can't explain why he is so angry with me apart from this. All through his treatment I thought we were in it together and I tried to keep things as calm and stable as possible for our two children. All our friends are very worried about his emotional state and the various staff who have treated him keep telling he's depressed and should get help but he won't listen. Instead he just seems to want to punish me. I've tried to understand and I agree that I will never understand how dark and awful this year has been but he just hurls abuse at me. In between the rages he expects me to act as if nothing has happened, even though the children, who have witnessed this, are in a very disturbed state.

I know we don't always get things right on the outside but it's truly shocking and frightening when this happens. I'm not sure he'll even stay with us.

I really sympathize with this situation Sazzbo. It is harder I suppose, especially when you see your partner of so many years, changing faces...

However, I believe that it is very important you wont crack here...you have been together for so long, had children together, shared their anxieties and their happy times as well...You had some goals you achieved together...these are all the things you need to have in mind when looking at him. It is true, that probably he passes through feelings that we have never even thought about, not even in our worst nightmares...

Of course it is not your fault but neither is his...It is really confusing, since he expresses his grief through rage...after all you are a human being as well, you have anxieties and fears and you care about him...which means that you cannot always be strong to confront his anger...However, you need to remember I suppose that the priority is on his side at the moment...Each person acts differently...

My father had cancer when I was 17 years old. A very rare one. He used to be a very organised person and always had been extremely critical with his children, especially in terms of education and obligation stuff. He always wanted me and my siter to study, to be excellent students, to do loads of things in life. Also, he always wanted to inspire us with will power, determination and hard work. When he found out about cancer, he became even more critical and hard with us. He never told us (actually, I was preparing for my university exams at that time and everybody was trying to create an environment of calmness around me) about his situation, although we understood that something was going on, since he was under chemo and the results were obvious. So, what he did was that he would check on us everyday if we had done our homework (for god's sake, I was 17!!!) , he would always yelled at us and at my mother that we never did anything right and he would always be extremely critical all the time... I remember that my mother was devastated, I was feeling sorry and as I was quite agressive as a character, I would always start a fight with him, in order to defend my rights and my sister's and mother's...

Of course, I did not know the situation...They told me after I passed my exams and after his chemo, which went well...

Even today, I feel awful about these fights...

What I am trying to say is that everything happens for a reason, maybe you should see beyond his rage and find out that he needs desperately affection, care, attention, or something else that he cannot express it to you in an other way...

Still, I hope everything works out for you well, and I really hope you do get through this and your love become stronger.

My best wishes to all of your family

Hi Rodis,

I have ben reading some of the posts and it is breaking my heart. Then i come to your replys to people and think , "You should be in counciling "! your words of wisdom and advice are second to none. Real agony aunt ! i mean this in a positive way. I am at moment supporting my wife through breast cancer. She like alot of you has been through mill and we are now waiting that long wait after radio treatment to see what they say. Hope they are positive. will continue to watch for your posts as they do help me.

Many thanks and keep logging on and helping others.

From a suffering husband.

Hi there,

I went through a long period of comming to terms with cancer, and even longer, believe it or not, actually believing the consultant had not got my results mixed up with someone else!!! I was 28, and in a serious relationship. The first thing I wanted was to be on my own, I had to tackle it my way, this included the treatment,. I asked my partner to leave, and did not really want my parents around either, although I did tell them. Cancer is a very difficult thing to come to terms with, let alone get over the shock. However, I did find I had a huge amount of inner strengh, something I have not had before, or since. It some how felt easier to `cope` this way. I do feel I was protecting thoes I loved, although no body understood. How ever, since then my Dad has had cancer, and although he was better at sharing the burden, he loved his time alone. Having been in both situations, I feel it is worse for the partner of the person who has cancer,rather than the victim, Its a strange situation, but I can only surgest you give him space, although keep in contact, hospital visits, transport, regular phone conversations and little letters through the post, these were all a great help to me. I wish you both all the best, Ali

I feel for you x

My partner is saying the same thing to me - not split up yet but if I know that if his scan next month isn't good news I will be in the same situation.

It's like the old cliche - "It's not you it's me" isn't it. Always thought that was a *** excuse anyway!

He's a complicated guy I'm guessing. Getting his rejection in before he thinks you will leave. Weird creatures men.

I send you big hugs. Keep talking xxx

Hi, 

I've just come through a scare myself having pushed the girlfriend away without telling her why. I might be able to shed some light from a guy's perspective. A radiologist picked up on shadow that was potentially life-threatening in a scan while looking for the cause of some paralysis attacks I had in South Africa in January (possibly Cerebral tetanus). I was told that I'd need some urgent  scans when I could recover enough to get back to the UK, but it could have contributed to my condition and it didn't look good.

I didn't know how to deal with it so decided to keep it a secret to protect my mother and girlfriend. However, the girlfriend, who I was very serious about, lost her job placement in the UK before I could even recover to return from SA. She had the option of returning to a job in Australia but said she'd quit the firm and be stay in London as she now had other considerations ;-)

The pressure I felt to be there for her, while she would want kids soon, was immense, while believing that I couldn't provide her with the life she deserved. So I decided to push her away to save her from having to go through it all with me. I had not even let her know how bad my initial attacks were as I didn't want her worrying, but when she sprung this on me, I felt it would have been selfish to not set her free. I encouraged her to return home to Aus and told her to "leave me out of the equation" when deciding what to do next.

We hadn't been able to see each other for six weeks which made it easier for her to return to Aus when her job would end at the end of April. I put on a brave face when I saw her over Valentines but could barely move or speak I was so weak. I also didn't know how badly my mind had been affected with serious memory loss until I lost my phone and realised I couldn't recall much of our conversations. The final call came in early March, three days before my cancer results after she'd been away for a week's holiday. I was so unwell and had been going badly downhill so had asked for a week or two of low stress/minimal contact while some tests were being run. Not knowing how bad I was, she thought this was manipulative of me and broke up on her return having decided she'd head back to Melbourne. I told her my memory was really bad and asked for a copy of our WhatsApp chat (I had no backup) to act as a diary for my UK doctor and neurologist. She said that would be fine but it never came. I asked twice, very politely, 24 hours apart in the next two days. I gave her a hint on the morning of my cancer results that it was important as there may be more to it. Her reply was to tell me from her law office, just before getting my results, that she would send it on condition that I had no further contact with her ever again or it would constitute harassment.

Thank goodness the results were then clear!! I'm 20 pounds lighter than I was in January but have started to recover from the undiagnosed African infection and have a new life ahead of me, but in hindsight, I'd have preferred the support, however stressful that would have been for her.

So as a guy, I just wanted to protect her, and I thought if things went badly that she'd never know and be happier, but I ended up doing what was worst for both of us. Your boyfriend may just be trying to protect you too but all support is welcome in such situations, believe me. Just don't put any pressure on him to be there for you!

Hope that helps!

Hi SelC,

Thank you for replying to me.

Everything you said does indeed help :)

After a tense few months we had the latest scan results back 2 weeks ago and everything is fine!

Think part of my partner's problem is that when he was diagnosed 4 years ago the woman he was with then upped and left - I guess he thought I would do the same. Also we've not been together 12 months yet although getting to that milestone is only a couple of months away now.

He also has zero self esteem and self confidence - I'm working on that!

I hope you keep well and I hope you find someone to share life with. Live every day.

Thanks again for taking time to reply.

Lisa x

I agree