When I found out that I had cancer I didn''t want to talk to anyone and spent a week or so with my "head under the covers". The very last thing that I wanted to have to do was to deal with other people's grief and worries, despite the fact that they cared - in fact BECAUSE they cared.

I still haven't told some members of my family - I will wait for a proper diagnosis first. They still don't know what kind of tumour or what stage etc. Only when I can feel in control, with a treatment plan etc. will I be able to face that!

The few friends that know I have told - very forcefully - not to call, text etc. but that if I want to talk then I will call them!

That has eased a bit over the last weeks, but what I can't stand is the "Oh how are you calls?" using "that" tone of voice! Or the "Thinking of you - here for you" texts. They always come when I am feeling at my most vulnerable and undo my fragile control.

I have even told my husband to stop saying "I love you" - I know that already and it makes me feel I am gravely ill - and I am not on my death bed yet!

This may not apply to your boyfriends, but maybe it helps to explain in part how they may be feeling?

I'm sure everybody doesn't react this way, but it is worth knowing that some can. I find it much easier to talk to people on the internet and very hard face to face.

Really glad that you have both found each other and can share your feelings with someone who understands. I'm sure you are doing the right things and the situation will become much easier with time.

Hi to all on this thread,

What strange mortals we are!! It has been so enlightening reading all your posts and reples. Having been involved with Cancer Research UK for eight years in various capacities and with Cancer Chat for a year or almost it never ceases to amaze me the different and complex posts that surface. None more so than this one.

When I was diagnosed I had no problem with telling people of my condition when they asked how I was but now when my husband was recently diagnosed with cancer he did not want anyone to know. While I respected this it was very difficult for me to deal with when people asked how he was I had to say - all right.

A few weeks into investigations we discussed this and I explained to him the difficulties I faced in having to say he was ok when in fact he was undergoing scans etc. The situation now is that when people ask him or me we now tell them the situation as it is now and ongoing.

I realise that my experiences are different to yours but felt this might throw light for others faced with similar problems.

My thoughts are with you all. Rodis.

Hi Roseanna,

Thank you for writing that, very helpful to me. I am worried when we go away i will treat him like an invalid and keep asking him how he is. I think when we are together again he will open up to me but am going to leave it to him.

Hope everything goes well for you and thank you again each time i read a different viewpoint it helps me a little bit more.

All the best

Kate x

I think this is probably more of a male reaction on the whole and my feelings surprised me rather.

Maybe it is to do with wanting to stay in control, but I feel that I could end up a permanent, blubbering wreck if exposed to too many enquiries However - there is also another issue which could cause people to be unhappy about others knowing - men can be very sensitive about things like testicular cancer and women can feel that everyone is "looking" if it was breast cancer for example. Mine isn't anything like that, but I have known others who had those particular issues. Anyway, keeping things normal is the key (except I now have a lot of leeway when it comes to whether I choose to cook or wash up )

Hi Noushka,

How are you doing? I`m having a rough couple of days now just lost my positive vibe at the moment, i`m sure it will come back. Not sure why the email address came up with AT in the middle rather than the symbol but i`m sure you realised that is not how it was meant to look.

Kate x

Hi, just sustitute the AT for @ when you use the e-mail and it will work. Rodis.

Thank you roseanna, it has been great to hear bluntly from someone with a different perspective - it does help me reign in my emotions! He has also told me to stop telling him 'i love you'. I didn't understand this because we would say it at leats half a dozen times every time we are with each other. I told him I even tell my friends I love them and he understands that but I will definately calm it alot if it makes him feel more comfortable.

Thanks Rodis - it actually helps to know that someone who has been so involved still realises new takes on it - it makes me feel like I'm not blowing everything out of proportion if that makes sense!

I will email you kate, thanks

Update - I went to see him because I actually felt like my heart was going to break. I tried really hard not to cry and although I was sniffling and teary, I wasn't forcing all my grief and worries on him. I did explain that it was too hard for me to go from having this full on loving relationship to nothing and pretending like everything was OK until he was ready to talk to me. I told him that we were in this together whether he liked it or not and that my imagination was affecting me worse that what his illness could. I asked for some sort of compromise and that I understood if he didn't want to talk about it or wanted to have less pressure with some distance in our relationship but that I coudln't handle being totally frozen out because I can't just not care or not worry.

Thank fully he could understand and even apologised for putting me through this and handling it badly. He is such an amazing guy! I told him he didn't need to apologise . We came to the agreement that I would give him his space and he would keep in contact and we would see each other maybe once a week. Our relationship is more of a friendship right now but I am just happy that he is still in my life and there for him until he feels ready to get our relationship back on track. I am feeling so much more positive that I know what is going on and feel more able to deal with it. Hopefully this will work out for both of us - I will keep you updated.

Thanks for all the support so far - it is invaluable!

xx

Hi Noushka,

I am so pleased that you have been able to reach a compromise, I am sure this will benefit you both. In the short term I realise it will probably be more difficult for you but in the longer time beneficial to both. Stay positive and remain strong, my thoughts are with you and keep the thread updated. This is so important as all other members benefit from our experiences. Rodis.

Hi Noushka,

Fantastic news i am so pleased, something is better than nothing you must feel calmer and more in control now.

I go from being calm and i can do this, to despair that we will never get back on track, but got being cheery when we speak on the phone down to a fine art if i want to cry when we have finished he dos`nt know about it.

Sorry having a rough few days.

Kate x