Hi Noushka

Having read your post, i felt for you and had to write something down....it's very hard hearing the word 'CANCER' but these days there are lots of treatments around that can help your partner. As hard as it is, it's his choice and he needs to come to terms with things and I guess as hard as it is for you to hear he has it, you feel you are being pushed out when you want to be there for him and come to terms with it together. Cancer affects not just the person but their partners and family. It is very hard to know what to say to help you, but maybe write him a note explaining how you feel and everything? Coming to terms with it, I feel is a start to knowing how you can deal with it, and everyone deals with it differently. I do hope once he has, he gets in touch with you, because I have found dealing with it together with a love one is so much easier. I wish you all the best and know you aren't dealing with it on your own, this website is a great support for people and maybe there are groups in your local area that can help?

I just wish I could help and make sure he is doing everything he can and staying positive but I'm totally helpless and feel broken without him. He said it is the best thing for him but I don't know whether he will come around to having me around at all until ?? I don't know - maybe never. I am in limbo not knowing how long I have to wait for him but he did say he wants to know that I'll be there and we can get back on track when this is over. I don't know how to deal with 'waiting' for a relationship with the person I love. In saying that I don't have an option as I will wait as long as it takes. It just isn't logical to me to push away the thing that matters to you most in times of trouble?? It is soooo hard. I want us to be there for eachother. Maybe I am being selfish. Does it make me a bad person to give him space because he has insisted upon it? I should respect his decision right? I think if I push him too hard to be there for him he will cut me out permanently. I'm so lost without him in my life.

Hi Noushka,

There is no easy answer to the dilemma you face, I can understand how devastated you must feel. I am not sure if you are living together - if so it must be even more difficult.

My suggestion would be to give him a little space - a couple of weeks and during that time write notes, send cards and text, see what the reaction is to those little things and take it from there. It would seem you will need to take things week by week and not look too far down the road just now. My thoughts are with you and we are all here to support you in whichever way we can. Rodis.

Hi Rodis,

We are not living together but I wish we were - at least then I could be there physically, if not emotionally. It seems so strange to go from having him to rely on to nothing. I will try to give him the space he has asked for. I think he thinks this is easier than having to think about me/be there for me etc but it's not easier for me. It feels like my whole world has fallen away and I don't know what the point is anymore. He's the love of my life and I hate the thought of facing the world without him - no matter how long for. Thank you for you kind words.

Hello Noushka,

The same thing happened to me so i know how your feeling at the moment. My partner finished with me by txt as we live a long way from each other the confusion was immense i could`nt understand. Like you i am the only one that knows and all i know is that he has cancer he has had an operation to remove the tumor and is having treatment what i don`t know. I managed to convince him that we were not over and that i loved him more than anything and he was not ending things like this.

We are talking again and laughing and going away in a couple of weeks this will be the first time we will have seen each other in 4 months he tells me he loves me still but what happens after the holiday i don`t know i am taking it a step at a time.

My advice to you is the same advice a wonderful lady called Kathy gave me, if this is how he needs to handle his illness accept it and stay strong for him tell him you love him and will always be there for him. As soon as i accepted the fact he wasn`t going to talk to me i felt more in control. I sent him a card with the title The Things i Love About You. . . and listed all those things that are special to each individual also a funny film to make him smile and a t-shirt of mine sprayed in my perfume, he loved it, i am always positive and never question him now i find jokes on the internet and txt them to him. Everything now is light and fun how it was before the cancer and if that helps him cope with this horrible illness then i am glad i can do that for him.

When i cry i do it on my own or with my best friend when i am feeling low i come on this site and there is always someone to talk to. You will find a way to help him and if this involves backing off for a little while think of the future.

Good Luck and stay strong if ever you want to talk i am here your not alone.

Thinking of you

Kate x

Hi Noushka,

I know its hard i struggle everyday as well. It will be 6 months tomorrow since we met and i have got him a little present and wrote a card which is what i would have done had all this not happened. I am scared he will think 6 months have`nt seen each other for 3 of those is this worth it. Try to keep things everyday if that is what he wants the amount of times i have changed a txt reread it before i sent it i have lost count. The more normal i keep things the more he is coming back to me. It feels very unnatural all i want to do is help him and not knowing drives me crazy but it has got a little easier with time when i first found out we had a few arguments and this is when he started backing off, then when we spoke on the phone i could`nt talk to him it just came between us then i found this site and realised there is no right or wrong way to handle things everyone is different.

Keep strong for him. He will come back to you.

Best wishes

Kate x

Hi Kate,

We just had our 6 month anniversary and it was lovely - we went away together and had a great time. He won't even text me back right now never mind speak to me. I know he is dealing with it how he thinks is best for him but am I doing the right thing do you think by backing off and respecting his wishes or do you think I should go see him and make him accept my support?? I don't want his family to think (if they ever found out) that I was keeping this from them and leaving him in a vulnerable position on his own? I want to be there for him but if he won't let me??? I am afraid that if I push him into a corner, he will completely withdraw from me. I know it kind of feels like that right now already but it has only been a few days. I'm so torn between what I think I should do and what he has asked me to do. I want to respect his wishes but I think he should have support - I don't want him to think he can't trust me though. I'm so confused. I'm glad things seem to be getting better for you guys. Thanks for talking to me.

Hi Noushka,

Ok first thing you can`t make him accept your support, you sort of answered your own question about pushing him into a corner then he might withdraw completly from you. This is what i did i kept pushing and he got to the point where he would`nt talk at all and we had these long silences on the phone then he had a very bad couple of weeks (all he told me was he was very sick) then a message telling me it was over. Like you are now i was distraught i phoned the MacMillan helpline they were brilliant and i wished i had done it at the begining. After talking to them i felt selfish if i`m honest because all i kept saying to him was what about me i have to know whats happening you can`t do this.

I did send a message saying i respected his wishes but to remember we love each other and i will always be there for him and i loved him very much. Communication started again and i handled it very differently. an example he txt me in the middle of the night, Hi having a terrible night no sleep at all how are you? so i sent back been awake since 2.00am whats up? he replied Too much on my mind and over tired why are you up? sent back worried as well do you want to ring? He said no what was i worried about? said worried i have to sit next to you on the plane and won`t be able to keep my hands off you (hoping he would laugh) he did and said don`t worry im fat and bloated now you`ll manage.

So found out his apperance has changed which i was very worried about (we are meeting at the airport) so at least now i can be prepared.

I guess what i`m saying is i found out more by not asking anything than when i kept on at him.

If you can give him a couple of days (that is almost impossible i should know) then maybe a good morning txt and leave it for the day. I have to say i look at my phone a million times a day and when i want to txt i go to my inbox and go through the messages where he tells me he loves me.

Respect his wishes then maybe he will talk again and you can go from there then you can support him by being normal. I know its hard anytime you want to chat i`m here for you, we seem to be going through the same thing but i`m a few steps ahead of you at the moment. Remember he has`nt stopped loving you hold onto that.

If you would like my email i am more than willing to give it to you i noticed some other people have done this i will leave it up to you.

Stay positive

Kate x

Hi Kate,

That is uncanny that I am thinking the exact same things and have wondered how selfish I really am being (what about me i have to know whats happening you can`t do this). Your email address would be great as we do seem to be going through the same thing. Thanks for your support - it means alot. Had a really bad day yesterday but feeling more positive today. Speak soon. x