Hi londonboy45, 

I am so sorry to hear that your family member has cancer and that it is quite advanced and it's never easy for family and family and friends to know how to support a loved one with cancer; the emotional strain as you pointed out can be immense and take a toll on your own individual wellbeing. We have useful information on our website for Family, friends and carers which has useful tips on how to support someone with cancer and also - which is very important -  on making sure you take care of yourself during this stressful time. 

The situation you describe is tricky indeed and I can completely understand why you are feeling a bit outraged that this person's partner has decided who should and shouldn't know in the family. It's hard for you to be in a situation where you have to be pretend everything is ok when there is this big news you know and have to keep to yourself. I am not sure really what the best approach would be and perhaps some of our wise and wonderful community members will have some thoughts on this based on their individual experiences dealing with a similar situation. I wonder whether it might be worth talking to your family member's partner to try and understand what the reasoning is behind such demands and to share your own feelings about the difficulty in having to hide something from the other family. I don't know if your family member who has advanced cancer is currently feeling well enough to express their own views on this but this is at the end of the day what truly matters I would have thought - who this person who is living with cancer wants to tell and anyone else would have to respect their wishes as it's their news, their cancer, their diagnosis. But sometimes family dynamics are such that someone else is in charge of those decisions and it's difficult to know what to do and I completely understand your frustration. 

It's an uncomfortable position for you to have to be in and it's hard to know really what the best approach would be. I hope that you will hear from others on here who will share their insights on this. Our nurse helpline is also open Monday to Friday from 9am to 5pm - it might help to talk to them. The free number to call is 0808 800 4040. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator