Cancer Research UK main site

Lack of support for breast cancer partners

Richard888
Offline

I am really struggling to find someone to talk to who understands the male perspective (worries) when trying desperately to be strong for my partner.

Having so many male doctors examine, prod and touch her breasts is simply a massive headfcuk which is making me ill with angst and self torture (thoughts).

Whilst she seems okay with this (which as the patient is something of a relief) I want to be able to be strong to support her but at every step it seems someone different wants to look and touch. Sitting the other side of a curtain whilst watching the male practioner don a pair of latex gloves just sends me off into a spiral.

Being unable to access help and support is now becoming detrimental to my own mental health. I genuinely feel that this male dominating service is self perpetuating their own existence.

Even annual check ups involve these same highly qualified males to "examine" healed scar tissue which would be far better served by a less qualified female nurse who could refer back if they had specialist concerns.

Not only would this free up these male consultants to do what they are qualified to do but would also enable both the patients and their partners to be treated with far more dignity rather than be expected to undress and expose their breasts to male strangers.

I personally would welcome a female consultant to pass comment on the relative merits of various examinations to reassure those stuck with men only that all is proper, necessary and entirely  appropriate. I wonder if there are other partners out there who understand some of my sentiment/concerns/worries....

  • Offline

    Hi Richard888,

    A very warm welcome to our form.

    I think I speak for most of us who have had a breast cancer diagnosis. I am a 76 year old female and my prime concern was to get rid of the cancer as soon as possible. Within my first year I had 2 bouts of breast cancer and 1 of pre cancer. While I would have preferred a female consultant, I was happy to take male or female, in order to expedite matters. In all instances, I had male surgeons, but I am still here 15 years later, which I am very grateful for. Because of the shortage of female consultants, there is no saying that I would still be here, if I needed to wait for a woman. Unfortunately, this is something that is unlikely to change any time soon.

    It would be great if we lived in an ideal world and had female consultants for all female complaints. Have you considered speaking to a counsellor about how you feel? Do you have a Maggies Centre near you? These centres are dotted throughout the country. As a relative of someone who has cancer, you are entitled to use their counselling service, which is excellent. If you don't have a Maggies nearby, there are other more local cancer charities, with different names, which offer similar services. Ask at your local health centre, your wife's hospital, your local library or Citizens Advice Bureau.

    Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine 

  • Offline

    Dear Richard888,

    I am coming to the end of breast cancer treatment and my surgeon is a man, who examined me on several occasions.   His sole focus was finding out as much as he could about my breast lump so that surgery could be as fine tuned to my individual requirements as possible.  After surgery it was clearly important to him to establish the ,"health" of my wounds and so this is why he examined me then.  My husband was in the room and I never felt uncomfortable about what was happening.  The sex of the surgeon was not important to me - I just wanted a good one.  I just wanted to be alive at the end of the day..

    Having said that, I am a feminist and I do believe in equality of opportunity for all.  Yes, it would be good if there were more female surgeons but I suspect there are many political and sociological reasons for this.

    Best wishes.

  • Offline in reply to Hopecalm

    thank you for taking the time to respond. I do appreciate your comments and I guess every persons (& partners) journey is different. Yes, we ALL want the same thing and that is effective treatment and a positive outcome. I hope your own prognosis is good and I now have some counselling in the pipeline. Many thanks.

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine

    thank you for taking the time to respond. I do appreciate your comments and I guess every persons (& partners) journey is different. Yes, we ALL want the same thing and that is effective treatment and a positive outcome. I hope your own prognosis is good and I now have some counselling in the pipeline. Many thanks.

  • Offline in reply to Richard888

    Hi Richard,

    I do hope that one day we will all have the opportunity to consult a female consultant for female problems, if so desired, but I fear that this is still a long way off` and possibly not something that we will see in our lifetime. In the meantime, I hope that you will find counselling helpful, as you raise a valid viewpoint and one that affects many partners.

    I sincerely hope that your partner is coping well with her cancer journey and making headway with treatment. I am now 15 years down the line from 2 diagnoses of breast cancer and one of pre-cancer, all within a year of each other. I had a lumpectomy to start with, followed by a double mastectomy and am still living a busy and fulfilling life.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine 

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.