After months of waiting and wondering how the intensive chemo/radiotherapy treatments worked to rid my cancer the wait since the 10th March 2023 was finally over.

It was the 20th June, the day before my 50th Birthday. My husband took the day off so we could go to the hospital together.

My name was called. The oncologist shrugged her shoulders as we sat down & said “I don’t have them!” and immediately apologised. I felt cheated and most certainly deflated.

I hoped for good news before my big day so I had something to look forward to. Naive of me I guess, given that we were being told that there was a backlog in reporting of results and it could be anything up to three weeks before my post treatment results might be available! Excuse me???

Its now the 11th July 2023 and I remain in limbo, the scan results were inconclusive when they did finally come in last Friday so I was pre assessed for an exploratory under GA six days ago only to be told further abnormal cells have been found & sent away for biopsy.
My life feels like one big waiting game and I am so tired.

I have been in pain since returning from theatre that day, I can feel a hard solid lump within the anal ridge and something much harder inside since these biopsies. It’s like sitting on a blade if I am not selective in the way I move. Lying down on my side is ok but on my back is extremely uncomfortable.

No BM for three days now & too sore to even pass wind. What next, a bowel obstruction?

I wish life would just give me a break!

Tired, sore and loosing the will to feel positive anymore.