Sending love Amigo, I do understand. 
Does anything help? No matter how small or seemingly insignificant?

I know it may seem crass to ask when there is such overwhelm. 

Not really this week it is just appointment after appointment. 

CT scan today then it over a week for the results.i would say I'm pulling my hair out but I lost it due to treatment. 

Its a challenge to maintain any perspective when there's appointment after appointment. I find each one takes a LOT of emotional bandwidth. I try to find some beauty to immerse myself in, even for small amounts of time. A flower, a tree, some music that touches my heart, anything really that touches the heart. And the small acts of kindness that abound. It doesn't take away the pain for me and it can be a fair amount of fake it til you make it but as long as I am plugging into something that is real and true, surely, there can be confidence that in the long run, it soothes and heals. Just keep reaching out.