As a partner to someone who is in your exact position or was, may i answer this question? Don't want to just wade in before asking.

For some context, before my wife's diagnosis, i had an absurdly high sex drive. Like, it sometimes caused issues between us. So if anyone was going to struggle with our new normal, it was going to be me.

On her diagnosis, the nurse stated we should refrain from sex, even though it was understandably the last thing on my mind. I think it was more in case she got pregnant, and because the chemo can cause burns. But she did say, if we couldn't refrain, then condoms, condoms, condoms. For both our safety. Well, call me old fashioned, that was enough for me to be wary even though it was the last thing on our minds. That talk kinda freaked me a little.

My sex drive plummeted all the way through her treatment. Not because she lost her hair, not because i felt like i was her carer, but because it was absolutely tough at times mentally. At no point did i ever look at her and not see the woman i fell in love with. I still fancied her exactly the same, hair or no hair. But my sex drive was almost zero. Unthinkable a few months or even weeks prior. We have not had sex for 18 months, but unlike your situation, it's been a two way thing. I can live without sex, but i can't live without her, so she comes first. If she ever wants sex, I can try, but i can't promise I would be able to just automatically revert back to how I was. That would take time.

I don't know your husband, and I'm not a mind reader, but if he's anything like me, it has nothing whatsoever to do with how you look or your weight. I suppose it's human nature to care first, have sex second. It's also human nature to think if you look unattractive, then others will be thinking that too.

To be clear, my wife could be overweight, have no hair or lose both boobs, and it would make zero difference to me. I would still fancy her the same. With a cancer diagnosis, you come out the other side a changed person. I think that goes for both the patient and the partner. I know you've been the person to endure the diagnosis, the treatment etc, but the simple truth is, there are mental scars on both sides. I found the entire thing traumatic. More so than my wife supposedly. It's only now I'm realising how much it has affected me mentally, and we're 18 months out from it all. It doesn't just end at the end of treatment either. My wife has had some scares, other scans etc, and it affects you mentally too just as you think you're past the worst.

In a nutshell, i highly doubt your husband has gone off you. I suspect it's because he cares about you, he's still mentally in the zone. Then there is the "I don't want to hurt her". I can't cuddle my wife like i used to. Not because there's a lack of affection there, but because I don't want to hurt her. She has scars, and even though she says they're fine, I still think it will hurt her if i were to push against her breasts. That's my mental block, not hers. I'll finish this off with and repeat, I can understand why you think what you're thinking because you don't look or feel the same person you were before, and it's a natural reaction, but us guys aren't all shallow. We go into this as a team, and we come out of it as a team. But like your scars, each individual heals at different rates. That holds true for both mental and physical healing.

Omg you've made me cry. That was lovely and I am sure my husband is the same as you. He has been amazing throughout this and you are right it's probably me being hard on myself . Unfortunatly my cancer is not curable but treatable- myeloma,  so this is the start of a very long process.

All the best to your wife, she has a great husband supporting her by the sound of things. Thanks for your reply.