I feel pretty suicidal from time to time. I hate taking tablets and particularly the calcium and vitamin D tablets they are prescribing along with letrozole to counteract osteoporosis which could increase the chance of cancer in my bones. I was very annoyed with getting breast cancer again in the same breast as last time as that meant I had to have a mastectomy because you can't have radiotherapy twice in the same area. So I changed hospitals so I could have an immediate reconstruction. It looks nothing like my other one, but it's used part of my tum to make a fake breast without a nipple.

I have thoughts of suicide. I try to keep these to a minimum by making a list and by reading the papers. My Saturday paper takes me all week to get through as I am now distracted by all sorts of other activities. My husband is looking after me and gets fed up with my negative thinking from time to time so that keeps me going too, feeling fed up at my lot!

AuntieJ

Sorry you are feeling so low too [@AuntieJ]‍ . Sounds like you have so much going on. I can relate to being fed up of tablets - then I feel guilty for not being grateful enough for them and guilty because I forget to take them so often. I think distration can sometimes be the best way through. Don't know what to say but I hear you and wish you better times.

Hello AuntieJ, 

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so low at times and that you have been having these suicidal thoughts. Perhaps it would be a good idea to talk to your GP about these thoughts and your doctor will I am sure have some helpful advice and suggestions for you. It seems like you are doing a great job at controlling these thoughts keeping busy, reading the paper to try and keep these at bay. I am glad your husband is also looking after you and is helping you keep positive. But it may be good to get extra help and support by talking to your GP about how you have been feeling at times. 

As my colleague Jenn suggested in an earlier post on this thread, if you ever feel that these dark thoughts are getting a bit much, don't hesitate to call Samaritans, who are available 24/7 on this free number 116 123.

I am glad you have met Crow_ here as it sounds like you understand each other and can support one another during these tough moments. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thank you for thinking of me. My husband suggested I felt the way I do because I am depressed. I am expecting various phone calls from counselling services soon. I feel worst early in the mornings as I can't see the point of going on. All the treatments have side effects and I put off getting my symptoms looked at because I'd already had breast cancer once and I couldn't face having more treatment which I knew would be a mastectomy. Last year I had breast reconstruction once I did get diagnosed, butI now I have been prescribed 5 years of letrozole which reduces oestrogen.

I like oestrogen, it's essential to being a woman. I feel I have been defeminised, and that I might as well go. That and ending up with osteoporosis. And a dodgy jaw because of zeledronic acid. You are going to die at some point anyway when you get to 67. I wouldn't advise anyone else to contemplate suicide. But for years I have been thinking of a one way trip to Zurich.It may not be for everyone, but it will allow my relatives or charities to get more money. Otherwise at some point it will all go in nursing home fees.

AuntieJ

Thank you Crow. I am not sleeping very well My husband is an alcoholic but hasn't had a drink in years so that's a positive. My mother is in a nursing home up the road and she has Alzheimers. She's the last one standing from her generation of relatives. She has a home she lived in for 50 years which I am trying to sell. It's 2 hours drive from where we live and I am fed up with the going back and forth and getting stuff out. Yes my mother did not like throwing anything away. I am finding it all too much. 

If I died tomorrow it would be the end of something I predicted years ago - being stuck with disposing of a house, the contents. The only thing I didn't predict was having another primary breast cancer in the same breast that I had it in before. As soon as I worked out I would have to have a mastectomy as I'd had radiotherapy already, that was it. I just gave up the ghost.

I know too much about breast cancer now. And every day another well known woman dies of it. This time it's the head of Ann Summers. It's such a common kind of cancer that there's always going to be someone each week somewhere. 

Seagulls

Auntie j 

sorry to jump on the thread 

sounds like you have so much going on bless you 

have you had breast cancer in the past or do you have it now ? 
I had breast cancer last July 22 back to fighting fit 

im here to chat if you need me lots of love Lara ️

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2003. I had breast conservation and radiotherapy. I decided not to take tamoxifen due to side effects so I discharged myself in May 2004. I was 47 when I found my lump. I had two operations and a procedure under local anaesthetic when I developed an infection which did not respond to antibiotics. This drained out a lot of liquid. I ended up with a nasty looking scar. When that healed I had radiotherapy for 3 weeks.

I had no further investigations or mammograms as my cancer didn't show up on a mammogram.

19 years later I found two lumps and was diagnosed with a new primary in 2022. It was in the same breast as last time so I had a mastectomy but I went to a hospital that was able to do a diep reconstruction at the same time as the mastectomy. This time I had a lymph node next to the cancer which was like another tumour as it was full of cancer. All the rest of my axillary nodes had been removed in the previous surgery so they couldn't take any more out to test them.

I have been told there could be lymphovascular invasion but how it will go is only a guess, maybe into the blood vessels in my chest. Having a diep reconstruction with a lot of new blood vessels linked to my own makes me quite confused. 

The zeledronic acid is meant to strengthen my bones to stop the cancer spreading there. But it could also go to my brain, lungs, eye, pleura etc etc

Seagulls