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Partners Terminally Ill Brother - Please help

minutia
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Hi, I'm new here and want to take a second just to say how valuable this forum must be for the families of those suffering from any type of cancer! 
 

I'm hoping you can bare with me because I don't usually comment:post to forums etc but these are extenuating circumstances for which I am struggling to find the answers so I apologise in advance for the long rambling question.

 

To give you a little context, my partner and I have been together for a little over 10 years and so we are usually able to navigate life's issues without much fuss however 4 years ago, my partners brother (in his early 40s) got diagnosed with an aggressive and very rare type of cancer. It has now gotten to a stage whereby it is certainly going to take over him within the next 12 months or so and as you can imagine, it has everyone realing and has obviously affected him and those closest to him extremely deeply......

From the get go, my partner and I promised to make sure that we communicate throughout so that it does not destroy us however I have watched her gradually slip away from me and now, although we share a bed and lay side by side, it feels like we are a thousand miles apart. She refuses to seek help and often I bare the brunt (which is of course what I am here for as so should be) the issue I am grappeling with however is that I feel almost insignificant in her life at this point and I've tried and tried to be her rock but it's at the point where I feel totally hopeless and feel like she has changed as a person and no longer loves me anymore. Whenever we speak about the issue, she tells me it has nothing to do with me and that she loves me which placates me for a short time but actions speak louder than words as they say......

What do I do here??!!!

 

Thanks,

Sarah

 

 

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    Looking in from the outside, there's not much more you can do imo. You have communicated your concerns over and over to her, and that's all you can do. Relationships are 2 way things, and as such, communication is required both way. So if she's telling you everything is rosy as far as loving you goes, then you have 2 choices, either take her at face value or don't.

    If you genuinely believe she does love you, and it's all the stress she's under, and the thought of losing her brother, then all you can do is be there for her.

    If I was going to be harsh, I'd say she is going through a lot and her having the extra burden of having to constantly reassure a partner on top of brother's failing health, could cause resentment eventually. I'm not saying that to be horrible, i'm saying that because I've done it myself. When my wife was initially diagnosed,I was constantly seeking reassurance everything was ok, that she was ok, that we were ok every time she seemed distant from myself. I was beginning to annoy myself. I was making it about me. She had enough on her plate having to worry about herself, without having to worry and stress about me, the healthy one out of the two of us. Looking back, I was becoming too much.

    If you happen to take her at face value, let her speak to you. Let her open up to you. The more you push things, the more likely she will clamp up, and real issues do crop up.

    Going back to your choices, if you believe her, you have to accept you may not be front and centre in her mind during the next 12 - 18 months. If you think the relationship is hurtling towards its natural conclusion, then only you can make the next choice.

    Seriously, I mean all the above in the nicest possible way, and i hope everything is just a blip.

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