I have no one to talk to, my partner is an amazing lady who's there as much as possible for me but she's also the type to not talk about things because she doesn't want to upset me by talking about it and when I do talk about it she tends to change the subject not on purpose its just the way she is and will do the same with any subject we talk about. 

Anyway those that don't know me , I was diagnosed with at first stage 2 breast cancer with one lymph node involved back in July 21, in the Aug 21 they did a lumpectomy and axillary clearance and found out of the 18 lymph nodes removed 13 were cancerous and the lump was bigger than originally thought so they upgraded the cancer to stage 3, they cut all the lump out and I didn't want chemo or radiotherapy,  they gave me CT scans every 3 months because they'd found a shadow on my right lung. 

In July 22 after a CT scan in the may they told me I had 7 nodules , 4 in the right lung and 3 in the left and diagnosed me with stage 4 breast cancer,  I started Letrozole buy struggled badly with it, I had no quality of life and turned into a 95 Yr old stroke victim so the oncologist told me to stop it. 

In December 22 after another CT scan for shoulder pain they found no signs of cancer anywhere else and still only the 7 nodules in my lungs but the biggest one that they'd seen after they removed the original tumour had grown, they didn't say by how much just that it had grown and was now blocking part of my airway and causing the lung behind the tumour to shrink due to lack of oxygen and basically told me I was now open to infections and breathlessness and wheezing which I already have anyway , the oncologist wanted me to start tamoxifen but I refused , I want quality of life rather than quantity and I know it sounds rather contradictory because I have other health problems so my quality isn't exactly great anyway but I really can't handle the severe hot flushes and bone/muscle aches and pains that the medicines give me , at least untreated I can still get about without the need for help from others and I can still talk without turning into a slurring, stuttering old lady , that isn't the life I want , some days I'm fed up of wheezing and being breathless but at the same time I'd rather this than the side effects of the medications. 

I dont expect sympathy not everyone choses to remain untreated so I know no one will understand my choice .

I'm not expecting replies I just wanted a safe place to vent too that's all .

So if anyone as read this drivel then thank you for taking the time to read it .