People ask me all the time “are you ok?”
And i say
“yeah i’m ok”- this is what i mean when i say i’m ok
hope this explains it……
I was scared…..when I found a lump in my breast
I was scared…..when I went to see the doctor
I was scared…..when I was referred to the Rapid Access Clinic
I was scared…..when I had my mammogram, ultrasound and a biopsy
I was scared…..whilst I waited for the results
I was scared…..when the consultant held my hand and said those words “I’m so sorry…. you have breast cancer”
I was scared…..when the consultant said I needed a mastectomy
I was scared…..when he said it was an aggressive cancer
I was scared…..at my pre-op assessment
I was scared…..when I signed the consent forms
I was scared…..on the night before my surgery
I was scared…..on the day of my surgery
I was scared…..when I had radioactive dye injected into my
breast
I was scared…..when the theatre nurses came to take me down
I was scared…..as I walked to the operating theatre
and lay down on the bed
I was scared….. when the anaesthetist put my cannula in and covered my face with a mask……i was scared when I woke up and knew that part of me was missing and my body was then changed forever
I was scared…..when I had my drain removed
I was scared…..whilst I waited for results…..again
I was scared…..when the surgeon explained that cancer had been found in one of my lymph nodes
I was scared…..when he removed my dressing
I was scared…..that I would never be able to look at myself in a mirror again
I am scared…..that everyday i will see i only have one breast
I was scared…..to see my oncologist
I was scared…..when he said I should have radiotherapy, chemotherapy hormone therapy and injections to start the menopause
I was scared…..when he said i need a CT scan a dexa scan blood tests…..
I have been scared every single day since i heard the words “you have cancer”
I was scared ……when i was marked up for radiotherapy
I am scared….. when i lay on a table bare from the waist up with my arms above my head whilst i’m blasted with radiotherapy for several weeks.
Having hormone treatment to induce the menopause making me hot sweaty & have headaches feeling permanently fatigued & permanently frustrated fed up & why me?
Every day so far has been hard and every day I have been told to “think positive”
It doesn’t matter how many times anyone says it to me, It is very hard to do so, easy to smile & put a happy face on & say “yeah i’m fine,yes i’m ok i’m alright but actually i’m really not…………..
i’m really not………..
i’m scared when i see the worry in my family & friends faces when they see me.Cancer has physically butchered me,mentally broken me,emotionally wrecked me.financially stripped me & socially depressed me.
In 10 years time, when I reach the end of active treatment? Will I feel positive then? Maybe? I just don’t know
But one thing I do know is this…after the treatment is “all over” I will spend every single day for the rest of my life feeling scared still
I was scared when I thought that I had cancer, scared when my worst fear was confirmed and I really did have cancer, but most of all? I am scared that it is a very real possibility that it could come back….. and then what?… I do this all over again?
Cancer is a club - a club that you never wanted to be a member of - and you never want to renew your membership either - however, you do meet some amazing people in this club - you wouldn’t meet these kind of people in any other club that’s for sure - I have met some of these people and there are a lot more than you might think
At the start of all this I thought I was isolated - even in a room full of friends and family I can still sometimes sit there and feel alone - but not in this club - here you don’t feel quite so alone - there are people with a story worse than mine - there are people there with a better story, and some people with almost exactly the same one, but each one has been on a different journey and we will all be on it even when treatment is over with
People have said to me “you are still here though”……but even so….. It’s not the same anymore…… I am not the same.
But i am lucky to be here very lucky.
I WANT to beat cancer,
I WILL beat cancer but…
I will always be scared…. even when I have.
Scared of cancer coming back
it has changed me forever.
I am different.
I am not me.
I will never be ME again
i am not brave
i am not an inspiration
i am not strong
i am just me…………a different me.
i have never cried so much but i make sure nobody sees me.
i am frightened but i make sure nobody knows that.
everyday thinking worrying do i still have cancer?is that ache or pain cancer? is that fatigue cancer?is that lump or bump cancer?
is this the end of my story?
or is it to be continued?……….?
