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Breast cancer how you really feel

feb72
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People ask me all the time “are you ok?”
And i say 
“yeah i’m ok”- this is what i mean when i say i’m ok 
hope this explains it……

I was scared…..when I found a lump in my breast
I was scared…..when I went to see the doctor
I was scared…..when I was referred to the Rapid Access Clinic
I was scared…..when I had my mammogram, ultrasound and a biopsy
I was scared…..whilst I waited for the results
I was scared…..when the consultant held my hand and said those words “I’m so sorry….  you have breast cancer”
I was scared…..when the consultant said I needed a mastectomy
I was scared…..when he said it was an aggressive cancer
I was scared…..at my pre-op assessment
I was scared…..when I signed the consent forms
I was scared…..on the night before my surgery
I was scared…..on the day of my surgery
I was scared…..when I had radioactive dye injected into my
breast
I was scared…..when the theatre nurses came to take me down
I was scared…..as I walked to the operating theatre
and lay down on the bed
I was scared….. when the anaesthetist put my cannula in and covered my face with a mask……i was scared when I woke up and knew that part of me was missing and my body was then  changed forever
I was scared…..when I had my drain removed
I was scared…..whilst  I waited for results…..again
I was scared…..when the surgeon explained that cancer had been found in one of my lymph nodes
I was scared…..when he removed my dressing
I was scared…..that I would never be able to look at myself in a mirror again
I am scared…..that everyday i will see i only have one breast
I was scared…..to see my oncologist
I was scared…..when he said I should have  radiotherapy, chemotherapy hormone therapy and injections to start the menopause 
I was scared…..when he said i need a CT scan a dexa scan blood tests…..
I have been scared every single day since i heard the words “you have cancer”
I was scared ……when i was marked up for radiotherapy 
I am scared….. when i lay on a table bare from the waist up with my arms above my head whilst i’m blasted with radiotherapy for several weeks.
Having hormone treatment to induce the menopause making me hot sweaty &  have headaches feeling permanently fatigued & permanently frustrated fed up & why me?

Every day so far has been hard and every day I have been told to “think positive” 
It doesn’t matter how many times anyone says it to me,  It is very hard to do so, easy to smile & put a happy face on & say “yeah i’m fine,yes i’m ok i’m alright but actually i’m really not…………..
i’m really not………..
i’m scared when i see the worry in my family & friends faces when they see me.Cancer has physically butchered me,mentally broken me,emotionally wrecked me.financially stripped me & socially depressed me.

In 10 years time, when I reach the end of active treatment? Will I feel positive then? Maybe? I just don’t know
But one thing I do know is this…after the treatment is “all over” I will spend every single day for the rest of my life feeling scared still

I was scared when I thought that I had cancer, scared when my worst fear was confirmed and I really did have cancer, but most of all? I am scared that it is a very real possibility that it could come back….. and then what?… I do this all over again?

Cancer is a club - a club that you never wanted to be a member of - and you never want to renew your membership either - however, you do meet some amazing people in this club - you wouldn’t meet these kind of people in any other club that’s for sure - I have met some of these people and there are a lot more than you might think 

 At the start of all this I thought I was isolated - even in a room full of friends and family I can still sometimes sit there and feel alone - but not in this club - here you don’t feel quite so alone - there are people with a story worse than mine - there are people there with a better story, and some people with almost exactly the same one, but each one has been on a different journey and we will all be on it even when treatment is over with

People have said to me “you are still here though”……but even so….. It’s not the same anymore…… I am not the same.
But i am lucky to be here very lucky.

I WANT to beat cancer, 
I WILL beat cancer but…
I will always be scared…. even when I have.

Scared of cancer coming back
it has changed me forever.
I am different.
I am not me.
I will never be ME again
i am not brave
i am not an inspiration 
i am not strong 
i am just me…………a different me.
i have never cried so much but i make sure nobody sees me.
i am frightened but i make sure nobody knows that.
everyday thinking worrying do i still have cancer?is that ache or pain cancer? is that fatigue cancer?is that lump or bump cancer? 
is this the end of my story?
or is it to be continued?……….?

  • Offline

    Absolutely agree with your post. Scared of the unknown and having just started on this journey following my first mammogram July 22 and mastectomy some weeks later each appointment fills me with dread as the list to worry about just grows - never subsided. Loss of control of your life and restrictions imposed, it's like you have no control anymore and you are forced to make sacrifices you wouldn't believe you would ever have to. Yes a member of a club no one wants to join

    wishing you all the strength and courage you need to get over the many hurdles you face x

  • Offline

    Hi feb72,

    Every thought you've shared, I share. Thank you for putting it all so well - have felt very alone & wish none of us have to feel this but reading your post & the replies reminds me I'm not entirely alone in my 'cancer crazy'.
    I had a mastectomy in June & am a week past round 4 of EC. 12 weeks of Paclitaxel to look forward & then radio. And yet even after all this, & feeling like it's the only 'Club' I can be part of, I don't recognise myself in this club. Like looking through a window watching someone else. I know this is normal, I know it takes time (someone told me not to be so hard on myself - wanted to scream that I'm not the one being hard on me!) but your words say it all. 

    Sending heartfelt kindest thoughts & appreciation of your honesty. 
    xx

  • Offline

    Absolutely! Amazingly said. Can fully relate to it... I froze so many times since the day of my diagnosis... which until the day of my first surgery was supposed to be a 'sebaceous cyst' near my armpit... nothing more... 

    Hope we all find that place in our hearts and minds at some stage to live in peace with our Cs. I do feel a little better, but I'm not at the end of my treatment yet. I will definetly try not to worry too much about the future and try to deal with whatever comes, when it comes. Radiotherapy and hormone therapy still to come.

    Feel yourself hugged, you're not alone!

    Cris x

     

     

  • Offline

    Hi feb72

    Thanks for posting this.  You're right, in the beginning of our cancer journey every day is just crippling fear and uncertainty. I was absolutely terrified but 8 months on the fear is subsiding.  I think it's a process and we evolve through it.  We must try not to live every day in fear as that's not living.  Taking things slowly and enjoying the simple things every day helps.  Then, when you find yourself weeks and months on the other side, hopefully it will subside and you will realise how strong you actually are.  It was like this for me and I hope it is for you too.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Mary 

  • Offline

    Hello feb72

    It's been a year since your post & I hope you are doing well.

    All your words are so true but especially your latter about "I am different" etc, that is how I feel, I am different to who I was pre cancer.

    I used to be an early morning person, now I am a sloth & go to bed early even after sleeping through a lot of the TV. A good friend seems to think it's just getting older & her friends (who have not had cancer) feel more tired; I just cannot make her understand what it is like.

    So I am sorry you felt all these things, just thank you for writing them all down, I now know someone else felt like I do.

    Best wishes to you xx

  • Offline

    Hi feb72. I've just read your post and it sums up just about every feeling I've experienced and still am experiencing and I'm sure many others on here would agree,  hope you're doing OK at the moment x

  • Offline in reply to Rufusblue

    Hi Rufusblue, absolutely agree with you there.

     The fear in me is always there and I think it always will be. X

  • Offline in reply to Jayjay71

    I'm trying so hard to be positive but sometimes the fears just creep up on me,  my fears are mainly about the ones I love and how much I don't want to leave them xx

  • Offline in reply to Rufusblue

    I can understand just how you feel, I guess I'm the same.

  • Offline

    Hi Feb72

    Thankyou for your post and for sharing your worries. I can relate to pretty much everything you’ve written, it’s so good to read and know you’re not the only one! The rollercoaster ride that keeps on giving! 

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