Hello Dacschund and welcome to Cancer Chat.

I'm so sorry for the impact cancer has had on you, your wife, and your relationship. It's clear to see how much you love your wife and also how tough it was to write this post. You should be very proud of yourself for reaching out for support and advice at what is clearly a very difficult time. 

Cancer can affect a person's sexuality and sex life in a number of different ways. Practical issues, confidence, emotions, and changes in the body can all have an impact and can leave a person feeling completely different to how they once were which, understandably, can be very difficult to cope with as they figure out who they are now.

Talking about sex can be difficult and it can take courage to bring the subject up, especially after everything your wife has been through, but if you are able to sit down and discuss how you are both feeling it may help bring you closer and allow you to work through this together. 

Talking to a counsellor or sex therapist can help you to find ways of overcoming difficulties. You can go alone although it might be useful to talk things through as a couple, if you can. We have some information about counselling on our website but it may be worth getting in touch with Relate, the UK's largest provider of relationship support. You may also want to have a look at the list of books and booklets that we have listed on our website.

Do make sure you take some time to look after yourself as well. As you've mentioned you're feeling very depressed it may be time, if you feel ready to do so, to reach out to your GP for support. They will be able to help and let you know about various support groups and resources that are available in your area. 

I really hope you can find a way to re-connect with one another and come through this together.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thank you Steph. I really shouldn't have posted this, my problem is nothing in comparison to what some people on here are going through. My wife won't talk to me about the problems so there is no way she will talk to a counsellor. Sorry for troubling you, I just need to accept things and get on with it. My wife may well get ill again so I just need to be here for her. 
 

Thank you again for the wonderful work you do on here.

I wouldn't call it a minor thing. Intimacy is important for many people.

It's difficult if she closes down about the subject, but you don't mention if she was on or is currently receiving some sort of hormonal treatment. You also don't make mention of whether the treatment put her into the menopause or if she started the menopause recently. All this requires your wife to talk to her gp.

It is a toughy though. Not gonna lie. She's went through a mentally and physically difficult few years and that would do this to the best of folk, but it doesn't mean your opinions or even needs no longer matter. As Steph said, you both need to talk at least to each other or a counsellor. If you keep quiet and just get on with it, resentment will build. Resentment only ever ends one way. Whether it be from you and the lack of perceived intimacy, or from her from having to hear you going on and on about it. At least try to work your way through it so you never reach that point.

Yes she is on tamoxifen and zoladex. I understand it's put her into early menopause but it's the total rejection I'm struggling with. I read things about husbands and partners who reject their wives after treatment but I couldn't be more opposite than that. It's not like I'm expecting to be swinging from the chandelier every night but being close 2 or 3 times in 6 years?? We have been together since we were kids but she won't even speak to me about it, just throws everything back at me. No matter what I say she just keeps saying 'you've not had cancer'. Trust me if I could take it out of her and put it in me I would. 
 

Sorry I know this all sounds selfish but I am really struggling with the rejection