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My Mum has just been told she has terminal lung cancer

JimmyP
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Hello and best wishes to all.

This week we received the bad news that my mum has terminal lung cancer which has spread to her neck and possibly liver. She had a biopsy and we are waiting to find out which type of lung cancer it is. The speedy one or the slow one. We were told she only has months with either. So basically it isn't good.

 

I have been taking care of my mum for the past five years and live with her, so she isn't alone, but we are both very heartbroken. I have 3 brothers and a sister and don't receive any support from them, so I am on my own really.  I am trying to be strong and I cry alone and not in front of her.

Surprisingly she is being strong too as she would normally freak out at any bad news. She shared her news with everyone close to her so everyone is prepared. I can't say that I am ready to let go of her, and I feel that I should be doing something more to make her last moments beautiful.

I really don't know what I should do next, who I need to talk to or what I need to arrange, how will I know if it is getting worse, who do I call in an emergency? There are all these questions. I hope someone can share their journey with me and advise me on what to do?

Thanks for the opportunity to discuss on this forum.

All the best to everyone

JimmyP

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    Hi Jimmy,

    A very warm welcome to our forum.


    I am so sorry to hear of your Mum's prognosis. Did they tell your Mum when her biopsy results would be back? It is always a good idea to ask this immediately after any test, as waiting times can vary and, it is helpful to know.

    I have been through this with my own Mum and know just how heartbreaking it is. Like you, I am one of 5, yet I did all the caring, funeral arrangements, etc, despite living in another country - there always seems to be one person in most families who bears the brunt of responsibility. How is your Mum's health at present? Can she still get around and talk to you or is she bed bound? 

    I am sure that just by being with her you are giving her some of the support she needs. The main thing is to try and keep her as comfortable as possible and to ensure that her pain is being managed by her medication. If not, don't be afraid to highlight this to her care team.

    You may find that she will become more tired with time, she may be bed bound and need additional care from carers, who can attend to her personal needs up to four times a day. When the time comes that she needs a hospital bed at home, her care team or GP can arrange this. They can also provide commodes, over bed tables, and arrange for  incontinence pads, build up foods or anything else that your Mum may need. As she nears the end, you may find that she will sleep most of the time, and will eventually stop eating and drinking.

    I may be wrong - if so, I hope that someone else will let us know, as arrangements vary in different parts of the country, but I think that whilst she is still at home, she will be under the care of her GP and practice nurse. If she comes to the stage where she needs overnight care, this can be arranged with MacMillan, as their nurses will come in to attend to her needs whilst you get some sleep.

    Does your Mum have a specialist nurse? She would probably be the best person to talk to initially. In the case of an emergency, I suspect that you will need to phone an ambulance. Your Mum's care team would need to know that your Mum is happy for them to share her medical details with you, before they can talk to you about her needs.

    I am glad to hear that your Mum is being strong. She is possibly doing this for the benefit of the family, but may be quite frightened underneath. A little gentle probing might get closer to how she is actually feeling. You may find that she wants to see certain people or visit special places - if so, perhaps you could facilitate this? 

    Other than this, you have a hard journey ahead of you, but somehow or other, we all seem to find the strength to see it through. Just be there for your Mum, let her know how much you love her, Speak to her whilst you can - and don't leave anything that you want to say left unsaid. For your own sanity, try not to look into the future. Take things day by day, or hour by by, if need be. Try to make memories instead of worrying about the future.

    Please keep in touch and let us know how you are both getting on. We are always here for you.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine 

     

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine

    Hello Jolamine!

     

    Thank you for your response and useful advice. We only found out this week that she had cancer so it came as a bit of a shock as the GP had sent her to get checked out for COPD. Her results for the biopsy will come back next Wednesday and then we will know how to proceed.

    The doctors don't know if it's the fast cancer or the slower one, whether she will be able to have treatment or not.  So it's all up in the air.

    Now she is coughing and urging, but still eating. However, she is losing weight.

    I hope I can be strong enough to help her through, but what you have told me is a great deal of help.

    Thank you!

    Jimmy

  • Offline in reply to JimmyP

     

    Hi Jimmy,

    It will be an anxious wait until Wednesday. Try to prepare yourselves as best you can for her next appointment. You will find it very useful to write down a list of any questions which you both have and to take this with you to her appointment, as it is all too easy to forget something important in the heat of the moment. 

    Would your Mum allow you or your sister to attend with her? It is always better to have someone with you at the appointment. She will probably be so shocked by her diagnosis and the implications, that she will forget most of what is said before she leaves the hospital. I am glad to hear that she is still eating. If she is losing a lot of weight the doctor can prescribe build up drinks to help her with this.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine

    Hi Jolamine

    I will be going with her because I live with her and I am also her full-time carer/son.

    I will update you on the results and message on here if there is anything I am at a loss with

    Thank you for your support.
    Jimmy!

  • Offline in reply to JimmyP

    HI Jimmy,

    I am here most days and only too happy to chat. I look forward to your update.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine 

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