Hi there

My husband was diagnosed with T3a but no mets back in June. I am sorry to hear about your husband and didn't want to read and run only to say be kind to yourself, the world caves in around you and I am sure you are being an incredible strength to those around you.  I feel guilty that I make it about me, my husband is 42 now and we have a 3 and 10 year old. I can't help but feel impacted by it all and then feel guilty.  Take care and I hope you get some treatment moving soon xx

He had an open radical nephrectomy with block dissection of paraortic lymph nodes, adrenal gland and testicular vein recently, is recovering but it's hard slog for him. More scans in October. Consultant has been excellent, as has the CNS (clinical nurse specialist) - answering questions and chasing things when needed. 
the hard part for us is that we don't want the children to know- they know that he had an operation and things aren't normal but it does feel like fighting on many corners at the moment. We've both said it's the "remembering" when you first wake up in the morning or you forget and become absorbed in something even for a second then that reality check that hits you in the face like. Train. 
I think as partners it can be challenging for us x

I hope you get things moving soon, for us the breif wait was terrifying xx take care xx

My husband was also diagnosed initially with kidney cancer but it was only in one kidney which was removed and he was told he was in recovery however 6 months down the line as he was due to return to work, the cancer returned, metastasising to the lung , lymph nodes, spine and bones. He was told it was terminal and expected to have no more than 6 months to live. That was 2 years ago. He was offered radiotherapy as the cancer tumour on his spine was pressing on the nerve and would have caused paralysis, luckily the radiotherapy worked and shrank the tumour.  Next came a drug treatment which caused his hands and feel to peel and so many problems they had to take him off of it within 6 months, He was then offered an alternative tablet treatment which worked for almost a year. in April he had to have an extended hip replacement as the cancer had eaten away part of the femur bone. He is now on immunotherapy since february this year. Although he is now very weak, and sleeps most of the day now, he has survived well past the original prognosis.  I am so proud of his determination, but absolutely devastated as I can see in the last 2 weeks he has eaten very little and I know that we are probably near the end of his hard fought journey.  He has been my soulmate for nearly 20 years and I get anxiety chest pains and my heart is breaking (even though I never show him how devastated I really feel). I am just seeking counselling and I am finding it increasingly difficult to handle the emotional burden that comes with taking care of someone in the advanced stages. My advice to you would be to seek counselling for yourself and remember that we are only human and may feel all sorts of conflicting emotions.  It is not selfish to feel tired, drained, emotionally exhausted, angry or/and devastated. Try and give yourself time either doing a little hobby for a hour or grabbing a quick coffee with a friend... your life will continue after your loved one has departed so don't isolate yourself or feel you have to spend every waking moment with your loved one. 

Thank you for reply.  We moved here 4 yrs ago and I had a bad accident which put me out of action for a few years.  For this reason, I haven't made any friends here.  I yearn for some female company where I can go for a coffee and a chat.

Thank you for your reply.  Yes, I've been hit by an express train.  That must be hard for you hiding hubby's illness from the children.  My son is 41 so I've told him. We moved here 4 yrs ago and for various reasons I've not had the chance to make friends in this new locality.  I yearn to sit with my old friends back in Surrey and share this.  I feel so alone and sad, most  of the time and scared for what the future holds.  I am doing my best to show a positive side for hubby, and being positive with him.  We've been together for 34 yrs and he's the love of my life, the kindest, caring, and intelligent human being I've ever known.  I am 74 yrs old and we have 2 pooches, so if the worst happens I am worried about how I will cope alone.  I have become so dependent on him over the years.  I am terrified for the future without him.

I hope you don't mind me saying but it feels like you are where I was about a month ago. It consuming, terrifying, devastating and a whole heap of other words that are just beyond ever imagining. I know everyone is different- having a couple of close friends has helped me a lot. People who I can have a talk to, or even my family. It's hard as my husband lost his mom to kidney cancer when she was 59, so we have been down this road before - granted it was 11 years ago. 
I am 38, my parents live in Spain but the day he was diagnosed they flew here and have moved in until we sat we don't need them. It's been a huge help as it's meant that the children can function and it's taken my brain power (all over the place) out of the equation. My husband is one of those people who doesn't want to know details of anything whereas I'm a planner. It's really tricky.

it won't feel possible right now but thinking positive really can help to make a really horrid situation a little better. I've gone from not planning anything just in case to - book things and small steps. The lack of control we suddenly felt over life was overwhelming. I hope that your son is okay too as I'm sure he is hurting and will be a good support to you too.

I spent the last few weeks too thinking how will I cope? My children are young, I'm working FT but how will I manage but I can honestly say I've been able to move on a little. It doesn't consume me 24/7 and we have started to see people outside of the family again. It doesn't go away, it's just not the most dominant thing in my brain (I don't know if that's right!). 
I feel sad- that I likely face growing old without him- we have been together 18 years. But for now we are making the most of him being relatively well (post op) and hope that continues. 
one piece of advice I was given was to take any help that is offered- I'm not that kind of person but now I am and I can say it has helped bucket loads. Thinking of you and your husband as we ride this rollercoaster x

This is so helpful to know that people feel the same. Thinking of you all x

Hello it sounds like you are more fortunatethan me.  I have no family, except a son who lives in BOurnemouth.  And not one single friend here.  I am sad and isolated.  I hope acceptance seeps in and I start to feel better, as right now I am so scared and being physically too, with worry.

You could look online for  carers support groups near you as I can guarantee there will be other ladies out there who are feeling just like you and at least you would have something in common to start talking about.