Hi everyone.  I have been reading and lurking on this forum for almost a year now without posting or joining and I decided today that I should do so and tell my story so this post may be long - feel free to back out now!

I am 52 and was diagnosed last September with cervical cancer stage 2 grade 3.  It was a huge shock and I struggled terribly with the diagnosis as did my family.  However, I was lucky in that the doctors said it was curable despite the slight spread. I was to have radiotherapy, chemotherapy and brachytherapy over 5 weeks.  

I was so frightened as I have other anxiety led issues so heightened all my fears.  I am lucky and have fantastic family and friends around me not to mention a wonderful husband but my fears and anxiety were my own to deal with - nobody could help me.  I would love to say I was a brave lady and held my head up and from the outside, that is what I looked like but inside I was a basket case!  

I read lots and lots of posts on this forum and also on Jo's Cervical Cancer Forum both to put my mind at ease and also to see how others coped.  I do admit that sometimes the forums did not help me but actually made my anxiety worse which was why I think it has taken until now to join.  

Anyway, fast forward and I had my treatment with some ups and downs, ended up in hospital with infections and during Covid so no visitors, and then brachy was delayed and then when I did have it I had numerous problems but came out the other side and by Christmas of last year I was coming out the other end.  

I remember reading other people's journeys when their treatment was done and they got the all clear and I kept wishing this could be me - I couldn't wait to get to to that stage as I was sure I would be on top of the world and so happy.

Finally I did get there and in March this year I had my first check up scans.  There was a terrible stage of anxiety and nervousness waiting for the results.  I was told that I had responded well to treatment save for a small area of concern that could be scar tissue so they would scan me again in 3 months.  Not terrible news but not quite the news I was hoping for. So another 3 months of uncertainty and anxiety follows.  I returned to work which I think was good for me as it gave me something else to think about and also bring some normality to my life.  

I should say here that the treatment has put me into menopause and created many "lady" problems and I don't really feel myself anymore.  I am so lucky that I have an understanding husband.  Although I am 52 and no doubt old to many, I feel young and alive.

Anyway, 3 months pass and once again I'm being scanned.  Yet more anxious waiting before my Oncologist gives me the fantastic news that I have had a complete response to treatment.  I immediately burst into tears!  However there is scar tissue which is thickening my ureter (pipe to kidney) and she wants me to see a Urologist.  As I was clear of cancer I was happy to do this knowing whatever was to be done was routine.  

The Urologist was not so keen to give me the all clear and decided that I would need a cystoscopy and uretorscopy under general anaestic to take biopsies and check for cancer.  Once again I was thrown into what I can only describe as utter despair.  In my more lucid moments I realised how selfish this was when there are so many in much more dire situations than me but cancer is a selfish thing.  

Anyway, on Saturday I had the op and I am happy to say that the surgeon confirmed no cancer present and no biopsy required.  I did have stent fitted to help the thickening but it is all just scar tissue.  

And that is where I am today.  I am clear of cancer at this moment in time.  This is what I have waited for for so long and the wine is chilling in the fridge but I am upset to realise I do not feel joy.  I feel anxiety and worry and disbelief that this has happened to me.  I have to go through checkups and scans in the hope that I do not have a recurrence but I know that the stage and grade of cancer I had, that there is a chance of recurrence.  I worry about every little ache and pain and as I type this I have a back ache which is worrying me.  I have turned into a hypocondriac! I was totally the opposite before this and worried about nothing and hardly ever went to the doctors (which is why this is happened to me in hindsight!).  I hate the new me.  I feel old and ugly and I wake every morning with a feeling of despair.  I worry I won't live much longer and I'm scared of dying.  My daughter and my daughter in law are both pregnant and I can't feel happiness easily as I worry I won't be alive to see the babies grow.  My daughter needs me so much and I worry I won't be here.

So the point of this is - everyone is so focussed on the medical side of cancer and the all the treatments.  I have been poked, prodded, scanned, injected, pushed and pulled and prescribed countless drugs.  Now I am clear, everyone is over the moon and happy at how I've beaten it and I must be feeling amazing.  They think it's all over now and we can put this nasty thing behind us.

Actually, I feel old, my bones hurt from radiotherapy, I get tired easily, my teeth and gums are suffering from chemo, and I have this constant worry at the back of my mind that there is more undetected cancer or that it will soon return.  I live with the knowledge that when my next scan is due in December I will be back to all that anxiety and worry.  I am no longer the person I was.  So I feel it is important to all cancer sufferes and their family and friends to not only focus on the medical side of cancer but (sometimes more importantly) the mental side of a cancer diagnosis.

Yes, I have beaten this first stage but I am no longer myself.  I am cancer sufferer and so far, survivior.  I hope as time goes on it will get better but the mental issues were a shock to me and I would like to help anyone newly diagnosed so that they are not met with such shock at the mental side of a cancer diagnosis.

I hope this hasn't upset anyone as that is not my intention but just wondered if anyone else in my position is not on top of the world as everyone expects them to be or am I just a miserable old woman? :happy: