Hi,

My mum has spent the last couple of years fighting bowel cancer. She is a fighter and a very positive person when push comes to shove, she even received the all clear a year ago so was naturally ecstatic. She lives in Italy with my Dad so with the current pandemic it has been difficult to visit, especially considering that I have two children who mean the world to her.

She is not an especially active person but she has been herself pretty much all the way through which has been great to see. A year ago however she learnt that the cancer hadn't actually gone as first thought. She went through another course of treatment for around six months after which she was told that she had to stay on permenant treatment, a mix of meds and small chemotherapy to just keep it at bay as it was incurable.

Almost three weeks ago she suffered a fall and fractured a vertebrae and has been bed ridden ever since, unfortunately this was the same day she was to have a scan to see for any progress (which she did manage to do eventually). Despite all this she has remained confident however today I have just learnt from my Dad that the cancer is terminal and she only has a few months left with us. The oncologist advised against telling her as they feel this may reduce her expectancy even further (not sure on the science behind this but I'm not a doctor). My Dad has known for two weeks but couldn't come to terms with how to tell me and my brother so it has been a terrible period for him, he also has his own health issues to contend with. I understand why he hasn't been able to tell us this news but I can't help feeling upset that I didn't know sooner.

I'm now in a situation where due to the current travel restrictions I have no viable means to visit. There is also the added notion that if I go without telling her it could trigger the thought in her head that something is up, and this is without even thinking about what it would do if I could somehow bring my wife and kids along. It is also not a normal period we would visit so this would be out of the norm in that sense too.

I am facing the very real possibility that I will not be able to say goodbye in person or spend time together, but what hurts even more is that she will not have the chance to cuddle and spend quality time with her grandchildren. I'm at a loss as to what to do. We Zoom regularly and I'm greatful for that but it's not the same.

They emigrated back to Italy 5 years ago but it's been a terrible time overall for them health wise and not the retirement they would have hoped for. I feel helpless in not being able to go and spend more time with them, time which I'll never have back. All the times I have gone over have been pretty much too help in a health sense rather than for enjoyment. 
 

One day soon my Dad will be alone, yes he has family and friends around but not immediate ones like us, I worry for him. I feel guilty that I don't worry more as I have been fully focused on my Mum and perhaps neglected him, even with his health issues, and this is something I regret.
 

The way I have described the above may be a little incoherent, but I just wanted to list and breakdown these last few years as a point of reflection for myself as it's the only way I feel I can deal with my emotions as I struggle to communicate them at times.

Thanks for listening