Hi Phil,

Had to let you know someone is reading your posts. My husband was diagnosed with stage 3 tonsil cancer in February and hit the all clear after a gruelling treatment just 3 weeks ago. However they detected shadows on his lung at final CT scan which have now been confirmed as metastasised from the original site. So he is now state 4 with quite an aggressive HPV positive return. The most difficult thing as a partner is that you become invisible in the relationship. This journey is not about you and yet affects everything about you. I am also suffering from lack of physical contact. Especially during this time of Covid. Paranoid of passing anything on and yet desperate for a hug and normality. It's such a heartbreaking thing to be experiencing. I am one of the toughest people I know. And yet when we got the news on Wed that it is stage 4 - I had to be strong positive for my husband but was dying inside. I went for a walk in our local village and hid behind the old church and cried my eyes out. The cows in the fields were so alarmed they all came up to the gate to find out what the matter was. Most bizarre experience of my life. Have you called McMillan support line? They can put you in touch with carer groups and even set you up with a "buddy" I think. My husband also gets angry with me when I ask him loads of questions. He deals with things very differently to me. I have to respect his ways as again this is about him - not me. Really hard that he still has not told our children or our parents. Think he's working on how that conversation needs to go. After one particularly harsh ticking off - I did turn to him in anger also and explain that we are in this together. I have feelings too and he was shocked into apologising. Sometimes the anger can be a way to test you still love them despite the potential pain yet to come. Perhaps writing down how you feel and letting her read that on her own might help. Talking in the midst of all the emotion is like walking through a minefield and new territory for even the strongest of relationships. Just know that everything happening is normal and ok. It does not make us bad people. And know that people are going through the same horrendous rollercoaster of despair at the same time. Doesn't take it away but it's ok to express it. Hope you can convince your partner to get some emotional support as well as yourself. Now is the time to try and enjoy moments together without anger. Easier said than done I know. Here if you need to vent any time. In the meantime - my husband and I are waiting for round 2 and to take up the fight again. Take care. K