Hi, I've looked for a forum my sister isn't on so they won't see what I write as I don't want to scare her,but at the same time I am so scared my mum is dying.

i am 36 now and severely disabled and have lived in secure care since 18,I have classic autism, learning disability,epilepsy and lots of other things inc being pyshically disabled-an njury from restraint, my mum is the only one who has ever understood me,I love her so much,I hate hugs but she loves them,so I have been wanting to hug her for months to let her know I am there for her.

She started drinking heavily when I was five years old to cope with me and has been alcoholic ever since but since the diagnosis of bladder cancer and still being studied-ovary and lung tumours she has slowly given up alcohol which is amazing. The covid situation has led to her being denied the operation soon enough,same with the chemo, and now I can't even go in the house to see my mum as Manchester has had a tougher lockdown here.

i don't verbally speak or show emotions traditionally like non autistic people,I don't cry so people think I'm ok, but I'm not,for me emotions come out in punching my head but then I do that a lot so people think I'm ok.

I worry so much for my mum she is having the whole bladder out and some chemo before it,she is very worried about having to have a bag fitted,but for her it's a good thing as she has incontinence for so long because of this and refuses the offer of my prescribed nappies.

i just want to help her.

i have looked for easy read material on my mums operation and can't find any,sorry I can't remember the name of the operation it's a big word.

my support staff have got me easy read material on all the other things like chemo,and surgery in general but I have to have the right staff on to go through with them about things like this as some staff don't understand.

thankyou, I'd love to speak to people,if there's anyone out there who woud like a chat I am on the internet every day.