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SomersetGirl
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Hi, today is six months on since I lost my dad to stomach cancer. I have never joined/written on a forum before, but I am doing this today in memory of my dad and to get answers for my mum. Having cancer,  losing someone, at any time is devastating. I have had my own scares in the past, so know what it is like and being afraid. My heart goes out to all those on here now struggling to cope with what is happening and needing support and advice.

Our story is different. Despite having health issues and numerous appointments/checkups and scanning, the hospital diagnosed my dad's cancer two days before he died. By then it was too late. We are trying to come to terms with our loss, we have shielded my mum due to Covid so she is alone, we also have the many questions which were never answered. All we have is some basic information given to us in hospital, at a time when everything was happening so quickly. Reading/research is like going down a rabbit hole. So much to try and understand. I am hoping that I could get advice about where to look to understand things more, what other people have done, what helped, did anyone ever try getting a second opinion? 

Whoever, if anyone replies/posts, I just want to say thank you in advance. Any knowledge, any advice just might explain things better. In some ways, I even hope that there is no-one out there who has gone through what we went through, but sadly I think there will be. 

Bless you. X

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    Hello Somerset girl,

                                     the shock and pain of losing those closest to you is like no other hardships you will face in your time on this earth,so it comes as no surprise the words Why,How,  hang in the air and linger on into a sadly deserted future.

                                          Without knowing specifics it would be impossible to converse in anything other than general terms.That cancer is known as the silent killer is not without good reason.,it lurks quietly within,spreading insidiously,without making a great fuss to alert to its presence, hiding behind other ongoing minor niggles,until it has aqquired sufficient control within your body to release it toxins of destruction.It is not brash until the final stage when it is confident of success,does not employ marching bands or loud music,makes no great demands initially, in many ways doing its best to come across as the perfect house guest.

                                           Some cancers are relaxed in their approach,taking time over a longer period towards their goal,others are like impatient intolerant thugs and go on the rampage with the aim of creating destruction in the shortest time possible.All share the same trait of only showing their hand and intent until the last possible moment..Read posts on this site for long enough and you realise that the potential of some to reduce a perfectly healthy person to one clinging on tothe hope of life within a few short months.

                           it is cruel,like all things ultimately come down too lifes chances,some hardly get the chance to focus on treatment to have it snatched from them.It leaves those behind them to the task of trying to make sense of the trauma,dealing over and over with the what-ifs.If you lose someone in a car accident or gas explosion,acceptance is easier to come by for those left behind.

                                                                                                                      l used to race motorcycles,and those close to me knew if l died ,it was by doing something l loved.When l was diagnosed with cancer it was if l was facing an opponent with the ace of spades.Nobody arranged this,no third parties were involved, only those doing their best to help me,it was just life.Luckily for me l was holding the ace of diamonds and all the fantastic people in the health service lent me the ace of hearts to see me through.

    Sometimes the simplest facts are the hardest to grasp, but if you only hold the ten of clubs,it sometimes is just not enough to see you through,,its horrible to accept,hard to come to terms with,but remains the truth nonetheless

                                 l am not sure how closer to the truth you will get than this,but l am sure your pain will cotinue until you can find your own version,and l hope in time your distress will ease and the good memories take the place of the sadness,

                                                                     take care,

                                                                                      n  David

  • Offline in reply to gruntifen

    Thank you so much for replying to my introduction. Your words expressed exactly how we have been feeling, the what it's, the maybe etc. The knowledge that cancer is silent, that it reaks it's chaos, brutal and unforgiving.

    Our only solace, amongst our sadness, is that my dad only new about it the night before he slipped away into his pain free morphine bliss. He was always scared, like many, about the big 'C'. Every time his tests came around, he struggled before, during and then waiting for the results. Another year clear, nothing yet. However, that gives you false hope, the doctors say nothing nasty, the things we should have done, said, spent more time just talking, were taken for granted and we carried on with our busy lives. I had my family, work, a sick dog and 100 miles between us. Mum was just busy keeping home going, dad eating, all the routine. To admit him to hospital ourselves and lose him so quickly. To be told cancer, when everyone had said he didn't have it. Yes we have some regrets.

    We've had no counselling, no chats with the experts, no chance to ask questions. His hospital stay was dreadful, no one told us, we had to demand answers, to then be told, too late to go home, go to a hospice, the end will be here. Without Covid, we at least had that.

    So we find ourselves here. No-one we know really knows what to say, how to help. They want us to talk, give all the details, but their words of wisdom don't help. Your words, your understanding, the thoughtful way you reached back to me, has been the first ray of hope, kindness in six months and I cannot thank you enough. 

    From your final paragraphs, it sounds as if you have beaten this viscous slayer cancer. If you have, I am so pleased for you. If it is sleeping for a while, enjoy every day, every moment, don't waste time worrying. I think my dad did, in between sleeping alot. I hope you are enjoying your motorbike, my dad loved his, although not in later years. 

    I am not ready to accept yet, we were told it was rare, but not sure if that was an excuse because they missed it. They did so many things wrong in the end, it is hard to know what was right. I will keep asking, reading and I hope I get there one day.

    Bless you Dave. Stay safe and well in these Covid times. X

  • Offline in reply to SomersetGirl

    Hello Somerset Girl,

                                   as you say the good amidst your devastation is that it was mercifully quick and painfree at the end for your father.The downside is that for you there was so little time and opportunity to discuss anything with the doctors before it was all over and they rushed on to the next fire.Most cancer experiences are like the Sword of Damocles,double edged and hanging over you for a time.,one side total looming disaster,the other drawn out time to fully understand the true nature of of the beast faced.Your experience was of an assassin,with one silent quick thrust of a dagger,all over with no signs left behind as to why.

    Most people have the shock at the outset of their journey,and they and their close ones have the chance to come to some kind of terms before finality steps in,so it is doubly difficult and horrible position you were left in.

       l am aware that cancer of the stomach is a real nasty,that can move slowly through over many years that can cause little symptoms other than mild discomfort that is accepted and compensated for by the host without triggering concern.and can march away unhindered for ages before causing sufficient distress to the host and point to a serious problem.It is one of the rarer cancers with serious consequences for those who survive its initial phase.

               In your quest for answers and understanding l can really reccommend that you make contact with and visit a Maggies centre,they really are truly inspirational places that are filled to the brim with the kindness and knowledge to help sufferers and those left behind come to an understanding and acceptance of truly horrible events.They are an oasis of calm filled with like minded people with no pressures or judgemental agendas,just help and peace of mind  like you never felt would be possible for you again.Anything l have said above could not come close to the reality,they saved my sanity and life at a time when l was drowning. They are spread throughout the country,close by major hospitals,and unlike doctors and nursing staff whose limited time can only focus on treatment, their focus is all about care.Of all l have written,this last paragraph will be of the greatest help to you going forward,l hope you are able to use it,

                                                                                                                                                            David

           

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