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Hello everyone....New person here. Guilt

Peggy-Lee
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Hey there,

 

I don't normally post on these typesof chats but I don't feel I have anyone to speak to.

My mum passed away recently and she was pretty young, early 60s. Up until last November she was singing live onstage and  was misdiagnosed that she had artritus when it was a bloody tumour on her spine. I was told by the consultant she had years to live but she had renal failure a month later and I am beside myself.

There's a couple of feelings I have at the moment. One, guilt. I didn't give her any grandkids and I didn't realise how ill she was last year. Guilt she never saw me marry or settle down.  Guilt that I wasn't a good daughter. The other, dissapointment from other people. I have barely had any support from what's left of family...my uncle was there for mum when she was ill but i've had zero support from him since. I feel abandoned. I know how self-indulgent this is but I didn't know my father, my sister passed away so I just feel so lost.

Are these normal feelings? I feel like I'm in desperate need of councilling. 

 

 

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    Peggylee

    Hi peggylee 

    Im so sorry for your loss of your mum.

    All the feelimgs your feeling are normal , but in time i hope  you will realise that your being really  hard on yourself  and you really do not  have anything to be guilty or feel.guilty about. 

    Im sure your mum   if she  could talk to.you right now your  mum would be telling you the same thngs im going to tell you  in life there are no guarantees that you could of given your  mum  Grandchildren , even if she had not  of got cancer and was still here, would you   be beating  yourself up about this ...no of  course you wouldn't, it probably wouldnt of crossed your mind. Or that you didnt realise how ill she actualy  was, i dont think your mum even realised it at first, so how could you.  Im.sure  to your mum you were the best thing she ever achieved in her life  and was very proud of  you , its a lot to desl.with watching a loved  one suffer  with cancer or any illness  So please dont feel.quilty for something that was out of your control, im sure you did your  best  at the time, its only when they have gone that we start to question ourselves , did  we do enough and we convince  ourselves that we didn't.  As for family in  not giving you the support you  need my lovely , maybe they don't know  how to. They may be grieving too , and find it difficult.  But of course only you know about that.  Have you  thought if asking  your doctor for some support with your grief, as im .sure they can put you  in touch with the relevent  counsellors . I hope you start to feel better soon. Im here if you  need to chat.  Big hugs sent your way that you get some support and things will  start to improve  soon.xxx

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    Hi Peggy -Lee,

    just to say I am very sorry you are feeling lost and alone right now. It must be a tough place especially under these weird times where we all seem so ‘cut off’ from one another. 

    You know we all seem to feel some kind of guilt when those we love pass. Try not to count the times you feel you didn’t do as much as you might have done (we can all bring such times to mind. Life is never perfect. Truly.) 

    Try and think of the good times. Your mum laughing, your mum well. You just being a daughter. I didn’t make my mum a grand mum either. It wasnt what I wanted... I never would have even had she lived a lot longer. I bet your mum would have said your happiness was more important to her than anything you did or didn’t do. Believe it. 

    Just to say Cruse is s brilliant support for bereaved people if it operates in your area. Or look up bereavement services locally. They ARE so helpful and necessary when you are so distressed. Best it comes out. 

    Go gently on yourself. I am sure your mum is willing you on. 

    I hope life feels better in the weeks to come. 

    Kebbs x 

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