Hello

I just wanted to connect with people who understand what I have been through recently - my friends and family are wonderful but it is difficult to go through the details with them as I think it may be too traumatic.

My mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer in December. She had stoma surgery followed by intensive radiotherapy which didn't start until the end of January. She was a very strong, determined 86 year old.  Following five weeks of radiotherapy which ended in mid March, she had a phone consultation with her oncologist who felt it was too dangerous to have a scan due to the coronavirus situation. In the meantime, was feeling more poorly and continued to lose weight. 

I was in regular contact with her and managed to see her in February - she was very tired but bearing up.  Then lockdown happened and I couldn't see her. Anyway, she continued to feel pain, took cocodamol like it was going out of fashion, became more exhausted, lost more weight.  Phoned her GP who said she had a chest infection (this was a telephone consult) and gave her antibiotics. She phoned me to say 'I can't cope any more'. I took the decision to drive to her house - she was breathless and barely able to walk from one room in her house to the next.  I phoned the GP who said to wait until she had taken her full course of antibiotics. The next morning, she was so unwell, I phoned for the ambulance.

She went in to hospital and was there for a week, during which time they discovered the cancer had spread - 'very widespread' as the doctor told me. Needless to say I couldn't go and see her in hospital, but my wonderful, strong, demanding mother was determined to get home, which she did, but it took all her reserves of strength. I was able to look after her in her final few days (we had no idea she had so little time) - she virtually took to her bed immediately. We had a care package but I felt very alone - didn't know who to speak to for her medical care. It was the VE bank holiday weekend so no GP - but I managed to speak to the sister on the ward from which she was discharged, and she put me in touch with the wonderful district nurses who looked after her palliative care.

By this stage she was so weak, she could not move herself in bed, so I was with her all the time to make sure she had water, was comfortable. We had wonderful chats, said everything we wanted to say, which I know so many people are denied, and for which I am so grateful.  It was traumatic but I was with her through her final journey - I felt like she had given birth to me, so I had to be there to give her her ending.  The palliative district nurses in her final hours were wonderful - what unsung heroes they are. I feel that, because I was with her, I am better able to come to terms with this. But I was very close to her - I will miss her always.  I'm absolutely dreading clearing out her home but I will have to face that.

Sorry for the ramble but I had to download all this somewhere- thanks for reading.