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My Dad is getting worse and I can't cope

Liz1256
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Hi, 

I have never posted on here before, but things are getting progressivly worse and I'm not sure how to cope. 

My dad was diognosed with Kidney cancer 6 years ago yesterday. He quickly found out that the cancer was also in his hip, stomach and some nodues in the lungs. He has been having many times of Chemotherapy for the past 6 years. We have never been told the cancer is terminal, but we were told he will live with the cancer. Dad health has fluctuated a lot over 6 years, some times worse than others, but right now things seem and feel really bad. He has had a number of TIAs and a small bleed on the brain. 

Just before Christmas my dad received his scan results which were good, some areas had stayed the same and some had shrunk in size, we were told it was an early Christmas present. Since mid January dad has been suffering with very bad pains in his stomach. He has been on holiday, where he was sick and wasn't able to drink much beer (not like him at all!). Since he has come home his stomach pains have been getting worse, he has not been going out much at all and just very tired. He is not eating very much, saying he feels very full and also feeling sick. 

The other weekend my dad had a seizure in the middle of the night. He was in hospital for a few hours but was sent home as they couldn't find any issues. He is just feeling worse, very dizzy, itchy and tired. He is barely eating and drinking. He has been to the hospital about how he is feeling and has been given Morphine for the pain and steroids to try and encourage an appetite.

I feel so exhausted with it all, I feel guilty for saying this, but I wish it would all be over. I live with my mum and sister, who both seem to be coping really well, but all I want to do is run away and be out of the house as much as I can. I feel like life is on hold and that we are all waiting for the next step. I am a really anxious and nervous person anyway, but I am so on edge. I feel I have nobody to talk to and feel stuck in a big dark hole. I know my dad must be feeling awful and he must feel so much worse than me and this must all sound selfish. I don't know how to help myself or my family. I was to cry all time time!!

 

If anybody can offer any advise it would be so much appreciated. 

I am 24, work full time as a family support worker, my mum is also full time and my sister studying at college. We are also trying to support my grandparents who are in their 80's and my nan only in November had major surgry to remove 70% of her stomach due to stomach cancer! 

 

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    Hello Liz1256,

                          l am sorry to read of your distress over your Dads failing health.Its never easy seeing those you love diminishing daily in front of you,and as your posts suggests,there have been many of those days over a six year period.

                                         It is very much harder living the role of concerned bystander than the patient, they come to terms with their illness because they have no choice and can cope mentally with what they need to do.But it is much more difficult for a loving onlooker,they can in a strange way feel adrift with nothing tangible or solid to hold onto.and frustrated because they can do nothing to change the situation.

                                         l suspect your father came to accept his condition and looks upon each relapse as the inevietable conclusion to his illness and every recovery as a bonus.For you the emotions and tensions that stalk your mind become raw, eroding and steal your wellbeing, having a wearing down effect on your ability to bounce back, and carry on as before.

                                                                    What you are feeling is normal and l suspect that your Mother and Sister have had the same feelings at sometime in the past, but are just better at coping with them. and not letting it show. l don't have any wonderful tips of how you can deal with this, l wish l did, other than to say we are not all born with the ability to cope well with loss,and its those that love others the most ,that often struggle to cope with their feelings.

                              Please try not to be too hard on yourself, remind yourself you are not alone with how you feel, and try to enjoy some good times with your Dad as his days grow shorter,

                                                                                                                                      David

                                                                                          

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