Hi Ruth,

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear about your mum's secondary cancer diagnosis and how this is affecting her quality of life since then. Have you asked about the availability of carers for her? This might help to relieve your dad of day to day chores and allow you all to have a little more quality time with her.

I lost my mum to secondary cancer too and know only too well how hard this can be. Have you spoken with her doctor? S/he should be able to give you some idea of her prognosis. As she gets closer to the end, she will sleep a lot more, but eat and drink less.

I only wish that I could help you to predict when this nightmare will end, but I am not a doctor, just another cancer pilgrim. Does you dad perhaps know more about her prognosis than he is letting on? Sometimes parents try to protect us from sad news, but if there is some, it is better that you all share and support one another.

I sincerely hope that you can get some sort of prediction, but please bear in mind that these can sometimes be out by a considerable time.

Please let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you for the reply, I have felt too distracted to look at the form since my post. But I posted tonight and realised you had replied.

 mum is in final stage of her life since my last post, she now has secondary cancer to the brain, neck and spine and throat spread from the breast cancer. She has been bed bound for 3 weeks and has only eaten tiny amounts during this time. She continues to drink  a cup of fluids some days. We have Marie curie nurses who call 3 times a day and are wonderful, but I feel totally numb after 12 months of watching her deteriorate and going through personality changes, aggression, depression and anxiety. She has totally withdrawn and has slept constantly since around September.( at this time she could get up for meals and toilet . I watch my father suffer each day and wonder how we can go on. I feel distant from her and guilty. 

Hi Ruth,

It's good to hear from you again, but please don't worry about taking a while to reply. I know just how difficult it is to focus on anything at this stage.

It sounds as if your mum has deteriorated a lot since your last post. It is so upsetting to watch her sleeping away. There is not much that you can do to help her when she has withdrawn and sleeps so much. The changes in personality are so upsetting to see, but please don't feel guilty for being distant from her. You are not alone in this and, many people feel like this.

I am so glad to see that you now have the Marie Curie nurses coming in 3 times a day and, hope that they are giving you and your father the respite you need to spend what quality time there is with your mum. Remember, that although you feel that she is out of it at times, that the hearing is the last sense to go, so make sure that you continue to talk to her.

If she is bed bound now, has she been given a hospital bed? With the right matress this can help to prevent bed sores. It is heartbreaking to watch a loved one failing like this for so long, but you will both see it through. We always seem to muster up that extra bit of grit and determination to get through to the end. All I can say is that you are both stronger than you think.

I am thinking of you all and, I'm always here whenever you want to talk.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx